Hi all,
I’ve lived in the UK for 18 years and moved to a new area 3 years ago with my wife. Soon after moving, my wife became pregnant and we now have a beautiful 2.5-year-old daughter.
For the past year I’ve had no real contact with my mum or my brother, and I’m struggling to process it.
The immediate conflict started about a year ago, but from my brother’s perspective it goes back 15 years. His final message to me was that I had been “absent for 15 years” while he was the one dealing with the operational/logistical side of things for our mum - organising, helping and supporting her when she refused to properly look after herself. She was never diagnosed with depression or anything clinical, but she leaned heavily on him.
He has his own children. When he was divorced, my mum helped him a lot with childcare. He now has a new partner and another baby, and my mum was also very involved in caring for that child. However, once his daughter was about 4-5 years old, he began limiting contact with our mum.
During those years I was frequently visiting my mum in the area where she and my brother lived (separately). I tried to support her emotionally as well - suggesting local support groups and encouraging her to build independence - but she always refused. She insisted she was fine, yet at the same time she would complain about my brother and speak badly about him behind his back.
This created a lot of internal tension for me. I didn’t want to interfere because it felt like it wasn’t my place, but I also felt angry about how my brother seemed to distance himself from her once she was no longer as “needed.”
What makes it more complicated is that he told me he was moving from the UK to Portugal. I later found out he stayed in the UK and never told me. I don’t know whether he changed his mind or simply didn’t want contact, but it added to the sense of distance and lack of honesty.
I wanted closure. I suggested meeting and talking it through face to face, but he shut it down and essentially cut contact.
Now I feel stuck between anger, guilt and emptiness. I built my own life abroad, but I’m labelled as the one who was “absent.” I don’t know how much of that is fair and how much is unresolved resentment on his side.
Has anyone navigated sibling resentment that builds over many years like this?
And how do you deal with guilt when you’re the one who left the country?