Unsupportive friends

[Travel11]

I have some women’s issues at the moment that are slowly getting better. It is suspected PCOS and I have a blood test next week.

One friend only contacts when she wants something. I told her how I was unwell and explained what it was. She asked if I can help her with budgeting. Then in another message straight after saying it would be nice to see me. It’s obvious she only wants something. I already helped her with budgeting in December as her dad passed away and he managed everything. She is 46 and doesn’t have a clue. She has a sister and other friends who can help
so shouldn’t be burdening me with that knowing I’m unwell. She has had a similar health issue to me a few months ago and is now on HRT so should be sympathetic to me needing recovery.

Then another friend is the same just goes on about herself. I told her about suspected PCOS and she said she has it and manages her diet. Fair enough helpful advice. But then a few days later last night she is bombarding me with messages saying she is lonely and wants to talk to someone right now. I left her on read. She already knew on the week I said I felt unwell. She has other friends so why not bother them.

Why are these people so selfish even when I am unwell. I feel sad as I have friends but the ones who would have been more supportive years ago we don’t really speak anymore.

That's really tough and although I'm sure your friend didn't mean to be hurtful, she obviously was only focusing on her needs when you are the one who has been ill.

Obviously do not help her with budgeting. Being generous, is there any way she may honestly thinks you enjoy budgeting?

What kind of support do you want, PP? I’d suggest asking for it.

I think the difficulty is I know these friends can’t do any thing which is fair enough and they shouldn’t be expected to but I wish they wouldn’t make these demands of me.

The second friend, you told her about your illness, she responded with how she manages hers and offered what could be useful advice. Is she then not allowed to speak about herself as you’re ill? You don’t speak of your friends highly at all, so maybe it’s best you’re not friends if you feel you’re not getting out of the friendship what you hope to.

As I said the second friend gave some advice.

They are always contacting me to listen to their problems and very negative. They won’t even stop when I am ill.

Your feelings are completely justified. What you're describing is classic behavior of people who are 'emotional consumers' or simply egocentric. They may not be inherently bad people, but they are so focused on their own needs and problems that they completely fail to notice the needs of others.
Why do they act this way, even when you're unwell? Because their behavior is their habitual pattern, and it has nothing to do with you. They simply can't see past their own noses. Your illness is an abstract fact to them, one that doesn't override their own desires and needs. It's sad, but it speaks to their limitations, not your worth.
The main thing for you right now is to set personal boundaries. You cannot change others; that is not your responsibility. Other people can behave well or badly—that's their choice, and you cannot change it.
Above all, listen to yourself! If you feel uncomfortable, if you feel you're being used—say NO. That is your right; it's your resource. If you feel you're not in a state to help, that you don't have the strength to support a friend, then say so: 'I can't offer support right now; I'm not doing well myself.' This is your right! Work on embracing this feeling.
Get well soon and hang in there! You're doing everything right by protecting yourself.

Thank you so much for your understanding and helpful advice.

My experience which you reminded me of, was years ago when DH had an affair and I was devastated. One friend I called responded with '...and some people tell others and some don't..., another reacted as though I'd told her the house was on fire and leave now and another just blanked me. You know who your friends are when you have real problems.

I'm sorry to hear about the PCOS test, It's the kind of thing that can be life changing and it's time for you to put yourself first and just notice who responds and quietly decide where they will be in your life in future. I took a quick look and of course there are lots of support groups out there and this charity https://www.verity-pcos.org.uk/about-us.html. You may find that you make new friends through seeking out support whether others are sharing.

It's hard to realise that others who you thought were friends are only partially there for you, if at all. Take really good care of yourself and do whatever you need to make your life comfortable, can you afford to go to a spa or have some massage? I've found that dietary changes can make huge changes in your life and health. All the very best, 💗

Thank you for your helpful advice. I will take a look at the website and start implementing changes. I could make friends along the way.