Am I wrong to leave him now?

[Geiirksns]

At the end of last year I decided that I was leaving my DH; there’s been years of him working all the time by choice and leaving all the parenting and house stuff to me despite me also working full time which has burnt me out and I’ve had some mental heath issues the past year triggered by stress.

I also don’t trust him when it comes to money including joint finances and he is someone who if he thinks I won’t like what he’s doing or has done will not tell me and actively lie if I ask about it. He can lie quite easily.

But since I told him I was done he’s started doing everything that I’ve wanted him to do for years and life is so much easier and calmer. I’m actually getting time to myself and enjoying my children far more. So there’s the dilemma - sometimes I feel like I’d be silly to leave when things are now good while the other part of me feels so bitter it’s taken this long and has no faith it will continue (we have been in this cycle before). Then add in the lack of trust that I think I’ve accepted for so long that I’ve forgotten how important trust is in a relationship.

so I’m hoping for some wise words from anyone who has been in a marriage like this or just views from an outsider perspective

Do you know that he has stopped lying or have you just not caught him recently?

You can leave at any time for any reason if you need to x

You can leave a relationship at anytime for whatever reason.

Seems to me OP there are two things which leap out as reasons why you shoukd end the marriage.

One is thd fact that you say this is part of a cycle : that you have every reason to believe that things will go back to the bad times as soon as he is secure enough to think you won't leave.

The other is the fact he is a liar and you don't trust him. I don t see how lying and lack of trust can ever be compatible to a hapoy relationship.

I wonder is his lack of transparency when it comes to money is linked to his reluctantance to wanting the marriage to break up? If you divorce he will have to disclose financial information and he will be worse off financially. Hence him changing his behaviour until he is sure you will stay.

Personally I think you should at the very least take legal advice about how you would stand and find out about how you would manage should you divorce. Then you can make an informed decision.

Thank you @TheNameWasOnceChosen and @Nosdacariad it is true that I don’t know if he’s stopped lying and that makes me anxious all the time.
Ive told people that they don’t need a reason to leave but he makes me feel that i need to justify breaking up our family
@Conspiracytheories I think he would be worse off so you might be right

He sounds emotionally abusive, does that feel like it might be the case?

You don't need his permission, or to justify yourself to him. x

If I were you I'd quietly start getting my ducks in a row, copying documents, making plans. That way, you'll be in a position to leave if things go back to how they were, which does unfortunately seem fairly likely, doesn't it?

You do not have to justify yourself. Being unhappy is reason enough.