After emotional abuse

Negroniqueen0 · 2026-02-28T19:39:08+00:00

I left an emotionally abusive relationship about 4 months ago, took about 6 trys and 2 years to finally leave. We are no contact and blocked each other on everything so finally no going back. I instigated the break up as my mental health couldn't take what was happening anymore. But I still love him (or at least my brain thinks I do) and I had to leave my lovely dog behind. I've been working hard on a new life and doing ok but just feel deeply sad, like I'm grieving something, and can't even bring myself to go on a date with someone else. I just need help understanding why I feel like this? Thought I'd just feel relief and start "living my best life". I also feel like I'm very reliant on my parents for emotional support and feel like a complete burden but it's the only way I've managed so far.

PaperMachePanda · 28/02/2026 21:27

Never underestimate the power of therapy!

Also, why are you thinking about dates when you only left an abusive relationship 4 months ago? You need to not think about that right now. You're too vulnerable. Let yourself breathe.

Nosdacariad · 01/03/2026 08:53

Look up trauma bonding xxx

Wish44 · 01/03/2026 09:27

Because love is a strange beast that doesn’t respond to logic.

best thing I have heard on mumsnet is vote with your feet and your heart will follow… eventually.

i am in the same situation and regularly have arguments with co pilot about it . Very helpful . I say all the silly stuff I think like maybe if I had been different etc. and it is really clear with me that the abuse is on him and why the love is still there . It really helps to ground me. For those who thing co pilot is just an echo chamber should read mine! It’s always very kind but very clear about abuse . Maybe give it a go? You can tell it your deepest thoughts on the matter.

ForestDad52 · 01/03/2026 09:52

It’s your brain’s way of protecting itself. After abuse, your mind goes into survival mode and starts romanticizing the past. It’s completely normal — and it will fade with time.
On average, it takes about half the length of the relationship to heal. You were together for two years — so it might take around a year to fully start feeling free again.
I know it’s incredibly hard, but you did the right thing. When the sadness hits and you miss him, remind yourself why you left. Keep repeating the reasons to yourself. Ask: do I really want to go through that again?
You could even write them down and read them when you feel weak. By the six-month mark, things should start feeling lighter.
You're doing so well. Be proud of yourself.

Original poster

Negroniqueen0 · 01/03/2026 18:37

ForestDad52 · 01/03/2026 09:52

It’s your brain’s way of protecting itself. After abuse, your mind goes into survival mode and starts romanticizing the past. It’s completely normal — and it will fade with time.
On average, it takes about half the length of the relationship to heal. You were together for two years — so it might take around a year to fully start feeling free again.
I know it’s incredibly hard, but you did the right thing. When the sadness hits and you miss him, remind yourself why you left. Keep repeating the reasons to yourself. Ask: do I really want to go through that again?
You could even write them down and read them when you feel weak. By the six-month mark, things should start feeling lighter.
You're doing so well. Be proud of yourself.

Thank you appreciate your reply - I was actually with him for 10 years it just took 2 years of me knowing I had to leave to finally do it.

OP posts:

Hhhwgroadk · 01/03/2026 18:52

So sorry for you. Get some therapy. Find a new life/way forward. Animals can be a great new bond afterwards when you have sorted your life. Look forward with positive energy and open your life to new activities and friends.

ForestDad52 · 01/03/2026 20:28

Negroniqueen0 · 01/03/2026 18:37

Thank you appreciate your reply - I was actually with him for 10 years it just took 2 years of me knowing I had to leave to finally do it.

Show quote history

Thank you for clarifying. 10 years is a very long time. Carrying that weight for so long — it's no wonder healing feels slow and deep. You didn't just lose a relationship — you lost a huge part of your life, your home, your routine, your dog. That's real grief.
Stay strong — you're on the right path.
But I'll say it again: the biggest danger in this situation is when your brain forgets the bad parts, and you feel like going back. Be careful of that.
The time will come when you'll see the colors return to your life, and it will become easier to breathe.

LucyLoo1972 · 02/03/2026 01:43

ForestDad52 · 01/03/2026 09:52

It’s your brain’s way of protecting itself. After abuse, your mind goes into survival mode and starts romanticizing the past. It’s completely normal — and it will fade with time.
On average, it takes about half the length of the relationship to heal. You were together for two years — so it might take around a year to fully start feeling free again.
I know it’s incredibly hard, but you did the right thing. When the sadness hits and you miss him, remind yourself why you left. Keep repeating the reasons to yourself. Ask: do I really want to go through that again?
You could even write them down and read them when you feel weak. By the six-month mark, things should start feeling lighter.
You're doing so well. Be proud of yourself.

does this mean 15 years if you have been together 30? I probably dont have much longer than 20 years left as im 53 with bad health conditions

Faceofaperson · 02/03/2026 01:50

Familiarity breeds contempt. It's just what you've been used to. It's going to take you a while to unravel yourself from the spiral that you've been caught up in all of these years. You'll get there but don't be harsh on yourself. You're amazing for getting away!

Don't date for a while. Just concentrate on you and looking after you. You don't need a replacement. Get stronger and tougher gradually. One day you'll be ready to date again but completely on an even keel where you'll only date those worthy of you.

Parrlorwarrior · 02/03/2026 02:15

You’ve done incredibly well to leave. From now on it’s baby steps. Take a day at a time, don’t look back and gradually you will heal. It’s absolutely fine to get emotional support from your family there’s nothing wrong with that. Don’t beat yourself up for needing support right now. As you heal, you’ll feel stronger and you will become more secure and independent. Forget completely about dating. It’s not what you need right now.

SoSadSoSadSoSad · 02/03/2026 03:55

Dating really really isn’t a priority.

ForestDad52 · 02/03/2026 06:26

LucyLoo1972 · 02/03/2026 01:43

does this mean 15 years if you have been together 30? I probably dont have much longer than 20 years left as im 53 with bad health conditions

Show quote history

Healing doesn't happen suddenly — like one day you feel awful and the next morning you're healed. It's a slow process where every day gets a little better.
You were together for 30 years — that's almost your entire adult life. Over the years, you've built habits, routines, and shared views on life. That's a huge amount of memories and nostalgia. So many places and things bring back memories and flashbacks.
Let's be honest — you can't just switch that off or change it quickly.
But that doesn't mean you'll suffer for 15 years. No — every day will get a little easier.

unsync · 02/03/2026 06:27

You are grieving the life you thought you had. It's a normal reaction.

I went on a Women's Aid course. Talking to other abused women and having the abusive behaviour broken down really helped. Once you see how these men operate and how manipulative and coercive they are, it's like a switch flicking in your head.

Don't worry about dating, it's not necessary. Pets are much better company than men anyway. I was lucky and got to keep my dog, it is horrid that you couldn't.

LucyLoo1972 · 02/03/2026 06:29

ForestDad52 · 02/03/2026 06:26

Healing doesn't happen suddenly — like one day you feel awful and the next morning you're healed. It's a slow process where every day gets a little better.
You were together for 30 years — that's almost your entire adult life. Over the years, you've built habits, routines, and shared views on life. That's a huge amount of memories and nostalgia. So many places and things bring back memories and flashbacks.
Let's be honest — you can't just switch that off or change it quickly.
But that doesn't mean you'll suffer for 15 years. No — every day will get a little easier.

Show quote history

I dont want us to separate. we had a very happy marriage - not without issues like any other. I had a terrible childhood and built a beautiful life and was very very successful. I submitted my phd and then went into psychosis and it changed everythign. we had had such a calm and gentle life together before that. its devastating to lose everything especially the love of your entire life.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 02/03/2026 06:34

Please don’t feel bad about looking to your parents for support. I don’t have personal experience of your situation, but as a parent of adult DC I would absolutely want them to lean on me if they had finally managed to escape abuse. I’d hope my DC would feel able to reach out to me for support and would be proud of them for getting out.

ForestDad52 · 02/03/2026 06:40

LucyLoo1972 · 02/03/2026 06:29

I dont want us to separate. we had a very happy marriage - not without issues like any other. I had a terrible childhood and built a beautiful life and was very very successful. I submitted my phd and then went into psychosis and it changed everythign. we had had such a calm and gentle life together before that. its devastating to lose everything especially the love of your entire life.

Show quote history

I understand you. And please accept my support if it helps at all.
A happy marriage is the most precious thing there is.
In my reply, I was just trying to explain where those numbers come from — also for other people reading. I never meant to cause you any pain. I'm sorry.