Should I leave?

[Loopinlouie92]

I'm 33, been with my partner for 2.5 years, no kids. I grew up with domestic violence and a huge fear of men. My bf is incredibly lovely and when I met him, this was almost all that seemed to matter to me. He has never been very ambitious but I told myself that that was ok and I could be the ambitious one in the rship, as long as he was kind and safe.

Fast forward to now and I am working a very demanding job. His work life is the polar opposite. He has a very easygoing job as he has a low tolerance for stress and values his free time, doesn't want to do extra work in the evenings etc. He does not take initiative and I am usually the one to organise things, carry the emotional and practical load etc.

Although he is very devoted to me, loving and kind, the thought of our future causes me great anxiety. I feel that I will ultimately be the one who takes the most responsibility for our finances, potential children etc. and i am worried that this will lead to a lot of resentment. He is trying to take more initiative and responsibility where he can but I am very aware that his stress tolerance is low and that children are very stressful.

I keep thinking about ending the relationship but, i think because of my upbringing, I also feel like I'm mad to throw away a man who is so kind and respectful as I feel that this is very rare? If I was looking for someone now, I would look for different things e.g. someone kind but who could also meet me halfway in terms of ambition, initiative etc.

Do you love him? Is your relationship good otherwise? Are you compatible on most things (lifestyle, children, sex, religion etc)?

If you don't regard him as being a mature adult who could be an equal partner in sharing responsibilities and generally being a bit flaky and someone you couldn't rely on then I'd reconsider.

You say his stress tolerance is low.

What do you mean by that - how does he behave when stressed?

It’s not either/or. There are men who are lovely, kind, devoted who are also ambitious, responsible and can take stress! I know because my late husband was one of them!

First off, I'd say I am very sorry about your past @Loopinlouie92 , nobody should experience such things.

People often focus and hold onto the outstanding aspects of a relationship and finding it difficult to see it as a whole. We sometimes read about people's stories even here on mumsnet, where the relationship doesn't work, but there is love, so they don't know what to do. Or sometimes, everything should work on paper, compatibility in lifestyle, view on kids, jobs, etc, but love is not there anymore. The list could go on, but the point is that a functioning relationship is a sum of many things - The fact that he is a kind and lovely man will not be enough of its own to form a functioning relationship. His attitude towards life does not seem compatible with yours, but you are absolutely brilliant for recognising this early on, and not in a more complicated situation when there are kids involved, plus who knows what other commitments.

Realising that certain aspects could become a nightmare to you if things are kept the way they are is a gift. Normally, I would lean towards communication - but the things that are a worry to you, I am not sure could be changed. It is a personality trait that I am not entirely sure he can change for the better. I am happy to be corrected, if he is, but I don't really see a chance for that. You have a whole life ahead of you, and if unfortunately his way of living is not compatible with how you would like to live, no amount of his loveliness will bridge that over, and as such, staying with him would end up being a bad call, something you'd regret after you run out of options, being exhausted for carrying a load of two people.

I think an honest conversation is due, between him and yourself, and decide whether you want to take all of that on, or be realistic and start fresh. A breakup doesn't have to be nasty, it doesn't need to happen when people are hating each other or harm is done. It is up to you, but unless you are happy to alter what you want in your life, or him being able to change the way he operates, I am not sure why you should stay in this relationship.

I’m afraid that by the time you’re asking this question, it’s already over.

He may well have lots of good qualities but if the things he lacks are deal breakers for you and causing issues and making you worry about future children and compatibility etc then you need to break up and find someone who is better suited to you.

I agree with @Lmnop22. If you’re asking, it’s already over. Pull the plug, OP.

What does low tolerance for stress mean here? Is it due to a physical or mental condition, or is it a cover up for laziness? No one ‘likes’ stress, but we sometimes have to go through it to achieve things in life - career progression, self development, financial security, a family of your own.

If you don’t think he’s going to be an equal partner and that he’s going to hold you back in life, it may be worth pulling the plug now while you’re still young.

Remember, people (especially men…) very very very very rarely change.

The resentment has started already.
Your gut is screaming at you to listen.
He's a man child and you are mummy.
You will forever be doing absolutely everything whilst he coasts along.
Don't do it.

I tell my friends aways, life is not perfect, what is the definition of perfect, it is different for each and everyone. You will never ever get all in one package because there isn't one, even if there is it could be potentially very very very rare, but I doubt that too. If he is kind and affectionate, it is ok. May be you can talk it through and ask him to do some chores after he is back from work if that is what you are doing it too. Also, not everyone is ambitious and you don't have to be, the main thing is if one is contended in life and happy, embrace it.
In my opinion if you have more positives, do not lose it for less negatives.
Good luck

I tell my friends aways, life is not perfect, what is the definition of perfect, it is different for each and everyone. You will never ever get all in one package because there isn't one, even if there is it could be potentially very very very rare, but I doubt that too. If he is kind and affectionate, it is ok. May be you can talk it through and ask him to do some chores after he is back from work if that is what you are doing it too. Also, not everyone is ambitious and you don't have to be, the main thing is if one is contended in life and happy, embrace it.
In my opinion if you have more positives, do not lose it for less negatives.
Good luck

Stop with the balances. Love is whats important. Does he support you? Does he make you happy?

Some of the best relationships I know are completely imbalanced like this.

There is one relationship thats always stood out to me. An old roadie and his extremely successful wife. She was in finance in London and brought in 90% of their income. He was a roadie who worked on stages with various bands. She was extremely professional looking and wore floral dresses. He had a mullet and a torn leather waistcoat.

50 years still together. She bought him a load of equipment. Or actually gave him the money to buy it. He started off quite a successful company providing equipment and experience to bands all over the UK and Europe. Me and him worked together quite a lot and his wife would come to gigs when she could. They looked so opposite it was unreal. She still brought in way more than he did and used to laugh that investing in the equipment gave him a hobby that kept him out of her hair.

Both retired now and still madly in love.

That all that matters. The love. The support and how he makes you feel.

Imagine life with someone who earns the same as you and has the same drive. Is that what would make you happy?

To suggest that love alone is enough is a pretty big stretch. Other factors are important, very much so. Not necessarily work, I think a point is being missed there. I for one, couldn't care less which one of us earned more. But imagine having a husband, the father of your children who just out of laziness/way of life/stress is just simply not doing anything around the kids, no meals, no school drop-off, nothing. But he loooooves you. That will not make up for an unhealthy balance. See how many years it takes to completely be fed up with the situation, to be frustrated and annoyed at all times, resentment over the roof...
"Love is enough" is a message that works in movies where it ends with the young lovers embracing each other regardless of all the hardships..