How do I tell my brother?

[Bagheerax]

Outline as follows...

I have a number of siblings but lost contact with my brother about 9 years ago.

He got in contact by messaging me last year but I didnt see the request at the time, by the time I saw it and replied he had deleted the app.
In his message he had spoken about his now teenage child (ny nephew) which confirmed he has contact and said he'd love me to meet them.

I sent an early christmas/birthday card to my brother at an address I found for his mother with my phone number. (Recorded delivery so I knew it had arrived safely but I didnt receive any response)

Worried I had lost my chance, I found my nephews aunt online who now has guardianship of my nephew and messaged explaining that despite the distance/lost contact with my brother, I would love the opportunity to have a positive relationship with my nephew. (I wouldn't dream of messaging my nephew directly without a parent/guardian knowing)

The aunt responded saying they don't want anything to do with our family as there has been a recent fall out.

I was distraught but accepted that my brothers actions have (by association) tarnished my chances and as my nephew appears to have already been through so much I respect the decision and thanked them for being the parent figure to my Nephew etc.

Two weeks later my brother gets in contact and we agreed to speak the next day. He is abroad but we talk for an hour (too little time to catch up on nearly a decade, lots of him apologizing and explaining etc.)

He explained his side of the fall out with his son's aunt (I'm not naive to it and know that there are always 3 sides) however I am now racked with guilt as I just listened and didnt tell him I had already got in touch with the aunt/guardian prior to him contacting me again.

I want to tell him but I think I fear he will now back away. I want to try and build our relationship back up (no fall out with us just drifted due to his then relationship and lifestyle).

My dear brother-in-law died a year ago which broke me and it really made me want to get my brother back in my life so being honest I'm really scared of losing him again.

Any ideas on the best way to tell him?

Why do you need to tell him? They are also a relative and you can be in touch with whoever you like.

I think that's a difficult one. If he finds out later that you didn't tell him, it'll probably affect your relationship. Generally, I think honesty is the best policy.

I don’t think there’s anything to tell him, and equally, nothing to be worried about telling him. It’s perfectly normal that an aunt might try to make contact with a nephew she had lost touch with due to family disruption - I’m sure he would expect that you might have tried and be pleased rather than angry. When his son comes up in conversation then you can simply say they once, prior to him getting back in touch with you, you made contact with his family to find out how your nephew is and were told by his family that they told they aren’t interested in him having contact with any of you.

I think you should explain it just as you have here. You tried to contact your brother first, couldnt, managed to reach out to another relative and she explained the situation and youve respected their wishes. I think though you need to let him know sharpish because if he finds out a year down the line it becomes a secret that was kept.

I’d wait. When you are seeing more of him, his son will crop up.
You just say that at some point, while you were trying to get in touch with him, you also contacted your nephew. It’s not a big thing. You were trying to get in touch, it’s normal to try all the connected people. Like when you sent the card to his mum’s.

An update to close my question, I sent him a video explaining what had happened and he called me straight away and said thank you for telling him and he's please I did. We have been continuing to message every week or so and hope to meet up maybe over summer ☀️

Thank you for helping me to get over my fear!