Feeling I can never date again after abuse

notsureifdatingforme · 2026-02-27T20:40:49+00:00

NC'd for this. I'm quite a long time divorced, after exh, who I"m pretty sure has narcissistic personality disorder, left for someone else when dcs were young. He was abusive and did lovebombing, gaslighting and the rest of it, I didnt know of those things at the time. After he left he did what I now know is post relationship abuse too and he upset dcs constantly too and tried to destroy me in any way he could. I've had therapy and tried to move on and it's been a hard road to pick myself back up and shield the dcs best I could. They're grown up now and I want to date again. I think though I never will though, as the fear of getting in that same situation is too great. This makes me sad. Can anyone give advice?

Endofyear · 27/02/2026 22:23

I think your greater understanding of what constitutes red flag behaviour would stand you in good stead if you choose to date again. You're older, wiser, and you know what you don't want. You don't need to rush into anything and you're capable of ending any relationship that makes you uncomfortable. Trust in your own instincts.

Look out for early love-bombing, men who want everything to move fast and declare love, amazing connection etc after a short time of dating. Be wary of any man who talks about his ex partners in a disparaging way, especially the old 'crazy ex' chestnut!

There are decent men out there and there's no reason you can't meet one. You might have to kiss a few frogs along the way (metaphorically!) but it's all part of life's broad experience. I'd say go for it and proceed with caution!

Original poster

notsureifdatingforme · 27/02/2026 22:52

Thanks @Endofyear it's a good point about making sure to take things very slowly. My ex hid his true nature for quite a long time but looking back there were a few signs of for instance his mood swings. I would have to walk away at the first sign of anything like that now. But even then the thought of getting to know and like someone and then having to end it feels hard to contemplate. But then so does never allowing myself the chance to find a relationship ever again.

OP posts:

Endofyear · 28/02/2026 08:06

notsureifdatingforme · 27/02/2026 22:52

Thanks @Endofyear it's a good point about making sure to take things very slowly. My ex hid his true nature for quite a long time but looking back there were a few signs of for instance his mood swings. I would have to walk away at the first sign of anything like that now. But even then the thought of getting to know and like someone and then having to end it feels hard to contemplate. But then so does never allowing myself the chance to find a relationship ever again.

If you're going to meet someone, you're always going to be making yourself vulnerable to getting hurt or hurting someone else. Nothing in life comes without risk. But you are strong so trust yourself that you're able to deal with it if a relationship doesn't feel right. The chance of happiness with someone lovely is worth the risk!

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 28/02/2026 08:11

There’s a lot to be said for casual dating rather than ‘meeting someone’. By that I don’t mean sleeping around, new bloke every week, I mean meeting someone for outings and dates and friendship (and sex) but NOT with the aim of settling down together.

What you have now- independence- is very valuable. I wouldn’t give that up for anything. Mixing my finances up with a bloke, being unable to leave whenever I like, having to take someone else’s needs into account… no thanks. Been there, done it. It’s time to put yourself first after a lifetime of it being about him and your dc. If you need something to wake up to, get a pet and some plants!

TheThingOnTheIce · 28/02/2026 09:21

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 28/02/2026 08:11

There’s a lot to be said for casual dating rather than ‘meeting someone’. By that I don’t mean sleeping around, new bloke every week, I mean meeting someone for outings and dates and friendship (and sex) but NOT with the aim of settling down together.

What you have now- independence- is very valuable. I wouldn’t give that up for anything. Mixing my finances up with a bloke, being unable to leave whenever I like, having to take someone else’s needs into account… no thanks. Been there, done it. It’s time to put yourself first after a lifetime of it being about him and your dc. If you need something to wake up to, get a pet and some plants!

This with bells on
i don’t think I’ll ever have another ‘relationship’ now.

Original poster

notsureifdatingforme · 28/02/2026 15:34

Big thanks to all of you for taking the time to reply, this has been good for me and meant a lot to talk it over. I think you're right that a) I have to accept theres risk involved in opening up to someone b) can take it slow and at my own pace and importantly c) I could just casually date. I think that feels much better to think about and manageable. I dont want to live with someone again or have joint finances anyway.

OP posts:

Plasticdreams · 28/02/2026 15:42

Definitely love bombing and crazy ex stories - always red flags.
As we age the dating pool does get smaller and people will undoubtedly have baggage so I am a bit more forgiving about certain things. I also waited 6 years to allow myself to recover and learn about abuse and the cycle. I have a boyfriend currently who has some narcissistic traits at times but I call him out and fortunately he listens and works on it. This is a sign he is not a true narcissist as he apologises and does the work.
A narcissist will quickly move on to someone else if they know you’re on to them.
I am undoubtedly very cautious and perhaps still a bit damaged from it all but a kind man will understand.