I’ve been with my husband for 16 years, married for 13. I don’t even know anymore whether it was always like this or if it’s just gradually become this way and I didn’t notice.
For the past few years I’ve felt like I’ve hit a wall. I’ve tried to leave before. Every time, he promises to change, says we’ll fix things, and for a few weeks it’s great. Then the same cycle starts again.
One of the biggest issues is control and jealousy. I’ve had to cut ties with all male friends. I’ve always naturally gotten on better with men, and I struggle to maintain female friendships, so this has left me very isolated. I effectively have one friend. He says I don’t need anyone else because he should be my best friend and that should be enough.
I formed a close friendship with a mutual male friend. My husband became very jealous, constantly checking up on me and making it uncomfortable. Eventually I blocked this friend on everything and we even moved away from the area. I do still speak to him occasionally, which I know isn’t ideal, but he’s someone I can talk to normally without walking on eggshells.
At one point feelings did become intense between us. We admitted that and stepped back. Nothing physical has happened beyond messages and calls. I wouldn’t leave my husband for him and I’m not planning a future with him. But I can see that the more controlled and suffocated I feel at home, the closer I’ve gravitated to someone who simply listens to me.
I also work closely with a male colleague. We get on well, purely as friends. My husband reacted badly when he found out, so now I either downplay it or change the subject to avoid arguments.
He has encouraged (or pressured) me to leave jobs if I get close to colleagues. I’ve had around 10 jobs since I was 18, largely because he convinces me I’m “too good” for where I work or that colleagues are bad influences. I finally have the job I studied 10 years for, and I refuse to leave it. When our child was born, he also pushed for me to stay home and rely on his wage.
There are issues around intimacy too. I have stage 4 endometriosis and I’m also diagnosed ASC, so sex isn’t something I prioritise. He has a much higher sex drive. When I say no, he sulks or gets angry. He’s even said things like, “I’m your husband, I can just take it.” That comment has never left me.
He questions me if I change my phone password, comments on notifications, and accuses me of hiding something if I put my phone face down. Yet he’s on his phone far more than I am. If I don’t reply to texts quickly enough or don’t say “I love you” back every single time (he says it constantly), it becomes an issue. He wants constant reassurance that we’ll be together forever. It feels suffocating, not romantic.
If I withdraw because I’m overwhelmed, he accuses me of blanking him, not caring, bottling things up. Arguments often escalate until he says something deliberately hurtful. Sometimes this happens in public. He frequently tells me I’m the problem and makes me question my own reactions.
He buys me gifts and takes me on holidays, which I do appreciate. But it’s later used against me. He says no one treats him, plays the victim, and throws everything back in my face during arguments.
He’s also made comments about my makeup, hair, or underwear when I go out. If I confront him, he says I’m paranoid.
This has been going on for years and it’s getting worse. I feel emotionally checked out. I’m not in love with him anymore. I’m not attracted to him. Sometimes I feel repulsed. I’ve even wondered if he’s cheating, but honestly, I don’t have the energy to care.
The only reason I’m still here is practical. We moved away from my family. My work and business are here. The children are settled in school and have already been uprooted multiple times. Financially, I couldn’t support myself and the kids alone right now.
We bought a house, but it’s in his name due to my financial situation at the time. I renovated it myself and made it our family home. During arguments he says things like, “Get out of my house,” and reminds me it’s in his name so he can make me leave.
I feel like I’m living someone else’s life. I don’t look forward to anything. I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel stuck — emotionally done, but with no clear way out.
I grew up in a broken home with multiple divorces, and I’m terrified of putting my children through that. But I also don’t know if staying in this marriage is healthier for them either.
I don’t even know what I’m asking. Maybe I just need someone to tell me I’m not imagining this.