Perimenopause and relationship strain

[Unsure4589]

My marriage is under strain at the moment. I’m struggling with perimenopause, we’ve got two kids under 4 (DS is 14 months and still not reliably sleeping) and I work 4 days per week condensed into 3 days in two different jobs that are both intense in their own way. The kids are in childcare 3 days and we have no other support. Money is always tight (we’re on UC) and we rent a 2-bed that is in a lovely area but increasingly too small for us. We can’t afford more space where we live.

I’m perennially overwhelmed and taking a lot out on DH, who is a great husband and father. He’s sick of it, but I’m finding I can’t tolerate anything (including the aspects of his ADHD that I’ve always had more patience for). I’ve been to the GP and am on a waiting list for therapy. They don’t recommend I try HRT yet as I’m still breastfeeding (slowly weaning him off). I’m miserable with our situation which isn’t helping, but making a change seems impossible. I’m also being assessed for ADHD and autism and feeling quite angry about it all (mostly how effortful life has been and that I didn’t realise sooner). I guess the perimenopause is also making it harder to mask the neurodivergence.

t’s all just too much but I don’t want to damage or even lose my marriage over it. How can I make things better?

I'd take any diagnoses or potential diagnoses out of it, so stop making excuses or allocating reasons on either side and get to the crux of the issues which is you're both struggling with young DC, work and little money so you're both going to be feeling pretty shit and overwhelmed.

Focus on what can make that practically better.

Communicate.
Sit down with your husband and talk to him about how your feeling and why you've been snappy.
Trust me. We are big boys and can take it if we know what's going on.
My wife is going through perimenopause too and talking at the end of a day or a week really helps. I know when she snaps at me or shrugs me off its not me. So instead of drawing into myself or becoming distant I know what to do to help. That may be taking the kids out for a couple of hours so she can just breath or it could be a foot rub and an ear to listen to all the crap she goes through at work. I know there will be a time past perimenopause. So working together and communicating helps us both get through to then.

Yes agree completely with PP that you need to talk.

I was in the throes of peri last year and DH didn’t know what on earth was going on with his erstwhile calm and capable wife! I was angry, tired, dwelling on the past, tearful and moody. I cringe to think of it now. It took several conversations where I tried to explain how awful I was feeling and the sort of things that set me off whilst he patiently listened and tried to understand. We got there in the end. He was mostly concerned at how unhappy I was and worried because I was pushing him
away and not wanting to talk about it. The reason for not wanting to talk was that my head was in a complete fog and jumble and I had no idea what was a rational thing to bring up and what wasn’t. Once he’d convinced me that he wanted to hear it all and we’d work it out together we started to make progress.

HRT has been very helpful and I also started to take vitamin d which I think has made a huge difference to my general feeling of wellbeing. I’d recommend both when you’re able. Also to say that I’m mid fifties and the DC left home several years ago so it’s just DH and me at home which is much easier than having two little ones. You are juggling an awful lot and need to be kind to yourself. I’d try to work with your DH on making a few small changes that might make a difference. Could you give each other a night off a week maybe and then have an evening a week where you down phones and do something together, even if it’s just cooking together and spending time talking about what is on each other’s minds.

DH said recently that the hardest thing had been how much I’d shut down. He said he felt that we could deal with anything as long as we were still communicating so when that started to break down he was very worried.

To give you hope, we’re in a great place now. We’ve been married for 33 years so have been through thick and thin together and have always loved each other very much. We’ve changed a few routines, started exercising together and make plenty of time to talk even though we’re both pretty busy. We voice our appreciation for each other very regularly, which really helps and generally try to be more aware and considerate of what the other person is dealing with on any given day.

I hope that helps a bit. Good luck OP. Xx