Rant about DH

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Typical rant about DH not stepping up and being helpful and present as a dad. More of a vent rather than looking for advice because I’m not in the most ideal set up to leave at the moment. I have an 8m old DC and 4 months pregnant. I’m on maternity leave leave and returning to work soon part time. My DH and I argued horrible during my first pregnancy. This was my first full term pregnancy after 3 losses so I had a lot of anxiety and stress. I definitely gave it back to him but he gave me no grace whatsoever. He even threatened to leave a few times after bad arguments even packing his bags once. I did tell him if he wanted to go he should feel free to.

Fast forward to my baby being born - 1 week stay in hospital which was fine and ending in c section. recovery was horrible obviously and I suffered from unexpected PPD and PPA. My anxiety was borderline manic, I wouldn’t sleep for days and just watch my baby! lol

Anyways, he essentially chose this time to ‘get me back’ for how I apparently treated him during pregnancy. It wasn’t an obvious thing where he told me I’m getting you back but I realised after a while due to his horrible treatment at my lowest point. He even admitted it later on saying he felt frustrated and carried a lot from the pregnancy.

Anyways, I’ve changed in many ways mostly to keep the peace for the sake of my baby. Now I am pregnant again - please no judgement it is what it is. I’ve still been trying to work on my marriage and there are glimpses I
see hope but I’ve realised my husband has adopted this mentality where if I’m not a certain way then he gets to treat me and talk to me however he pleases. Plus he barely helps with the baby - has never done a night feed and because of this I asked him to sleep on the sofa permanently as my baby and I Cosleep and my sleep as well as hers has improved so much since I wasn’t getting up a million times a night alone to soothe her and feed her.

Anyway, the most recent thing has been that he has started going out more with friends in the evening/night. We are Muslims and it is Ramadan so he does go for the night prayers in the mosque but then will go
and have coffee or tea afterwards. So he’s not doing anything bad but I expressed to him that I feel like he should be at home especially at night as I’m pregnant and have no been feeling well at all recently. I barely eat and have frequent dizzy spells. He got so defensive and I just gave up trying to explain. Anyways this has resulted in me going to my mums house a lot more often recently but I always return the next day. I’m thinking I should just make this more long term and stay here as I get so much support from family and get to rest, eat and recover as they help with the baby loads! On his days off he sleeps in the mid afternoon and then wants to be out all night 3 times a week. This isn’t the family life I envision for my baby and I.

You absolutely should go stay at your mums. This relationship is crap and dead in the water. Another baby so soon after such a hard delivery and is such a bad relationship is bonkers, but you are responsible for your own and your children’s happiness, and separating is the best way to protect that.

Gosh . I was in your situation
im not Muslim. But was with an Asian guy.
it was all his way for years. Had a baby. It got worse.

That trapped feeling is hard. Do you have family around you to help you if you’re pregnant and will soon have 2 under 2?

I’m out of the relationship now, went into survival mode and somehow built a business and done a 180 with my life , finances and the opportunities are endless.

personally, I don’t see the point in a relationship or having a man unless he is going to support you in many ways.

you have your children, if he isn’t helping you. What other avenues of support can you lean on?
will your job long term fund your life & the kids?

on reflection, I think us women fall into getting married and having kids.

and i hope this doesn’t come across the wrong way. But from hearing other people’s stories, it appears Asian, possibly more Muslim Pakistani men? See women as just the baby bearer, cook, cleaner.

It is significant to note not all.

Think about what you need at this point and how you’re going to get it as you will soon have 2 very small children

My family are honestly amazing I can’t fault them. Any time I’ve come over to stay my baby is treated so well and they all chip in, mum, dad and siblings. I get to rest so much and they put literally 0 financial burden on me when I do stay so I’m blessed in that sense. 2 under 2 would be hard alone but not as hard as it could be if I had no village. I’d be fine in terms of raising my children.

Tbf he does more cleaning and cooking than me, I can’t lie. He just so crap with our baby and with regulating his own emotions. He can also be very selfish if he wants to do something and it clashes with me needed help or the baby needing something. When I was a few days post partum my c section scar stitches popped out after I had a small fall in the bathroom. I’d asked him to not go to the gym that night as I was in excruciating pain and he had the biggest tantrum and it turned into a huge fight because I literally could not believe what I was hearing after I’d just had major surgery.

He won't change. This is who he is. Do what you want with that information.

At what point did I say I want him to change or how can I change him? It’s literally just a rant from a pregnant woman who is feeling down. Gosh.

My point is, he's awful. He will keep being awful. You are clearly holding everything together, being the loving parent that your child needs. I don't know why you are putting up with it. Maybe that's just me reading between the lines but I can't imagine staying unless you thought there is a glimmer of hope or something. He's a waste of space. You and your family can give these children a wonderful home and all the love they need.

I feel so so sorry for your poor babies growing up in that horrible and argumentative environment. Please, for their sake go to your parents/ family and get support. They pick up on everything and it will affect them forever

“Tbf he does more cleaning and cooking than me, I can’t lie. He just so crap with our baby and with regulating his own emotions.”

OP, some men find small babies very hard to deal with - at least he helps around the house. You need to talk to him about your expectations of family life - leaving you when you were unwell after a C section and at a time when you could reasonably expect him to be there for you is outrageous. He doesn’t seem to be facing up to the fact that he’s a father - going out three nights a week is excessive. You are going to have to think long and hard about what you want life to look like after you’ve had your second child - if he just walks away and leaves you to it, you’d be better off going to your family and staying there.

You’re right. I think it’s just a process and not an over night decision. I don’t have hope for him changing trust me. That died a long time ago. Like I said I’m just not in the best position right now and that includes financially. But what I will be doing now is staying at my mums house until further notice.

I can see that too but I’ve just had countless conversations which end in words of change but no reflection in daily life. I’m going back to work soon and my family will be looking after my dc. I do feel like this will help me make the change I need to as I’ll be more financially stable and also just claiming back some of that identity and strength I had before becoming a mother.