sad to lose a male friend/acquaintance who didn't treat me well

[remembranceofthingspast]

Please be gentle as this is very upsetting.

So the first part is when I first left home so this was a very special time. I was into paganism and finally met what I thought were my people. I had a male friend who used the occult to curse me, and told me in the most disrespectful and unnerving way that I had been cursed while claiming it was someone else (whether we believe in all this or not, the upsetting thing was that I loved him as a friend and he disliked me so much he and his friend did this) blackballed me socially/spiritually, then he decided he liked me as a person after all and helped me move house but then we stopped being in touch.

Decades later I got back in touch on facebook to see how he was. The conversation was flirtatious and he did say he had a girlfriend but let the conversation continue flirtatiously until only a few days before he was due to get married, without telling me he was getting married. 'Why didn't I mention this before? The answer is it just didn't come up.' He had written a book about that time in the 90s, where he portrayed me as pretty but gullible. He carried on flirting with me after he married and saying he would like to make love to me etc. I found Jesus after a few years so didn't join in this flirting anymore, but wanted to stay friends. Eventually his marriage ended presumably because of some activities with other women.

We were supposed to meet up for a gig as friends, he had asked me to stay at his for it but I booked a place for myself as I still saw it as inappropriate due to his being separated and my faith. But I have bipolar and one time I did proposition him- I regret that but genuinely wasn't myself. He was surprisingly lukewarm given his previous behaviour. He gradually reduced contact. I got in touch to tell him how the gig went (I went to one nearer me instead as I hadn't heard from him.) He said 'sorry to say I am coming off facebook soon.' I said 'so you are with someone knew and you don't want to get in trouble for how you talk to women online. I can behave you know, I did for years when you were with your wife, after I found Jesus.' He just said 'that's exactly it' and blocked. He didn't come off facebook, that was a lie.

I was so upset for months. Recently I reread his book. He was very scathing about my sex life with his friend, describing something I did as 'absurd' 'stupid' and 'horrendous.' He also invented extra insulting details. When I was first back in touch with him and read the book 8 years ago, I was too happy to be in touch with him and fond of him to allow myself to register these details.

So that is the story of 'Bruce.' Cheer me up about no longer having him around and help me get my head around it permanently please.

I'm not sure what you want people to say? He sounds like a nasty man and of course you're better off without him in your life. The worrying thing is that you continued contact with him for so long until he blocked you. You sound naive and a bit vulnerable to be honest. This man was not your friend.

@Endofyear Yes I just want people to say I'm not missing anything really. The reason I kept in touch with him was because he was special to me as a person due to the past connection, but my view of him was obviously not the reality of him which is that he's a bit of a prat.

When he first got married (his second marriage, he cheated on the first one in the 90s, too), he went through some sort of narcissistic break. He was convinced people from his old town were travelling for hours to stalk him and destroying his possessions 'because of his success.' He was a schoolteacher. Which is a great achievement but not something working class guys are going to travel 120 miles to stalk someone over.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to accept he was a nasty, manipulative man who enjoyed playing cat and mouse with your feelings. He is not special, he was playing with you and it probably amused him.
Then block him on everything in case he decides to come back and hoover you up again when he is bored. Going no contact is the only way to move on as you are still thinking about him and he doesn't deserve your head space or your time.

Bruce? Who the heck is Bruce? Are we supposed to know about him?
In the kindest way, you are being naive. Maybe you're vulnerable, I don't know
I hope you have mental heath support.

I am saying this with compassion, @remembranceofthingspast - That man was never your friend. Friends don't do things like that you, not even close. And as such try to look at it from an angle where it's a good thing to have a negative, harmful person cut out from your life.

You sound quite vulnerable. I think you should stay away from this man and anyone like him. 💐

Thanks everyone. There was another one that was a friend of his and similar, but thankfully my friendship with that one ended years ago so I am over it really.

I'm trying to get out more and mingle with people.

You need to speak to a councillor and offload all this to them. You haven’t done anything wrong but you are definitely holding onto too much info that it is clouding your day to day life. Tell Bruce to go fuck himself, do some sage and get on with your life and your own business.

You need to speak to a councillor and offload all this to them.

@crazeekat I already did all that about him and other stuff, and I don't know how much it helped. But that was before I realised the worst things in the book he wrote.

The reason I go over what he did is to try and embed it in my mind that this is not a good guy and I'm not missing out on anything.

Financially I paid for a lot of therapy but then I had to pay for some things in the home so am not really in a position to do it at the moment.

I think getting a life will help :)

don't worry about the book. it’s artistic license. it’s fiction. it’s not truth. hes changed stuff to make it more like a good read so people buy it. it’s not real. it’s not about you even if loosely based on you it’s changed to be sold.

he sounds a right nasty type and youre better off without him. he was never what you thought he was. you need to move on and be happy doing the things youre doing now and meeting new friends, preferably other women.

perhaps your pastor/minister/priest couod offer some advice on how to let people who have harmed you go. And dont contact him even if he unblocks you. i’d delete him from everywhere. you have come so far without him. you dont need him. what kind of bastard curses people. that’s horrible. stay away from him as hes nasty. oh and when you curse someone they say it bounces back on the curser so he’ll get whats coming to him.

You're sad at losing what you thought you might have had, but it was never there in the first place, was it?

He sounds like an absolute bellend by the way.

don't worry about the book. it’s artistic license. it’s fiction. it’s not truth. hes changed stuff to make it more like a good read so people buy it. it’s not real.

It was primarily real details about my sex life but presented in a very insulting way with misapprehensions about my motives presented, and my actions in bed described as "horrendous" "stupid" and "absurd." Admittedly it was all under pseudonyms, but still. The point is partly it's like the curse in that the hurtful thing is someone I thought was a friend, did this.

I believe I am trauma bonded to 2 individuals involved and that's why I am/was bothered still.

it’s hurtful when you find someone’s taken something that isn’t the way it was intended and you dont get closure because you can’t tell them this to explain yourself as a) they won’t listen and b) you need to stay away as they are not nice and bad for you.

i get that.

i still think hes amended the details to make it more interesting or captivating for the reader. but if you’re right and this is what he actually thought about you then it’s another reminder of what a horrible person he is. duplicitous. not to be trusted. to be avoided.

the good news is that you are away from him now and know better than to go back there as hes a bastard and you can get a nicer guy that doesn’t think people drove 100 miles to destroy his possessions. (although if they did he probably deserved it as he is horrible).

giving your situation a name (trauma bonding) feels like youre saying somehow that it’s ok to feel like this it’s a normal reaction as others have it too. but that’s not helpful for you as he was so horrible and you need to get him out of your mind.

we all need goals and targets and allowing these thoughts to continue isn’t helping. especially after paying hundreds of pounds to probably be told the same thing by all the therapists (and us i imagine).

So you can stay in this tiny circle of thinking about this prick, wallowing in it and feeling sorry for yourself on occasion and be sad what he thinks/writes etc (why would you punish yourself this way, you do not deserve it) or you can catch yourself thinking about him and immediately say to yourself “no i refuse to even think about him. im moving forward with my life. im a good person and im only being around other good people now”

to help with that you need to find more things to keep you busy. that way you wont think about him as much and one day you wont think about him at all. and wont care. youll get there.

i did the “write a letter to him but DO NOT send it burn it” thing. it’s weird but it works. once youve said your piece it’s like it helps you release emotions. you could try that. as long as you WILL NOT be tempted to send it. no good can come from that. and burn safely. i did in the garden. on a calm day so no wind could blow pages away that a passing stranger could read!!!

women have a core of steel. we get hurt so many times because we give so much. and sometimes we are weighed down by the weight of life in general. it’s time to look for your core now and remind yourself that you’re stronger than you think. you don’t need him. youre going to get out and about and move on and be happy.

gratitudes may help. it’s when you say every day what you are grateful for. it makes me feel good. today im grateful for the sun (out her for a change although frosty) and spring coming, grateful for my cat recovering from illness, grateful for my hot cuppa im really enjoying.
your things could be wider, it’s what's meaningful to you.
say that every day and see how it makes you feel in the moment. somwtimes we lose the joy and get trapped in misery and forget how to be grateful for the things we have.

i like a mantra too. mine is “i am happy and healthy” sometimes i dont feel like that but when i say it then i feel it kind of thing. get one yourself and say it. “i am kind and attract friends who are kind too” or whatever.

ask the universe/god/whatever you believe in to find you a good circle of nice friends. it cant do any harm lol!

you CAN escape the past. you are stronger than you realise. you deserve better and in future thats what you’re aiming for.
you CAN do this.

I dont mean to sound harsh but you seem obsessed with this man and I can't work out why. He sounds like a horrible person who was horrible to you from the very start and yet you keep going back to him? Your post is littered with criticisms of him, yet immediately after criticising him you seem to be chasing contact with him again?

You keep talking about how you found Jesus and didn't want to do anything immoral but were happy to flirt with him knowing he had a girlfriend and seem to keep chasing contact with him even when he is in later relationships?

I'm gonna be honest, you're coming across as a little obsessed with him and like you dont really want friendship but something more. And like thats why you're so sad about him blocking you.

@Everynamehasgone99 He did not tell me he was in a new relationship so as far as I knew he was single when I flirted with him, also I have bipolar and sometimes that genuinely makes you not your normal self. He did not tell me he was in a new relationship until he started to block me and I said to him that must be why.

@Everynamehasgone99 it's not the loss of a flirtation/potentially hook up that I'm obsessed with, I'm not obsessed with him romantically. It's the loss of a friendship connection that was so important to me years ago and although there was a long break, a special friendship (not that it was to him lol) that for me goes back thirty years and I thought would continue for life and deepen as a friendship, becoming more real

I’m so confused about why you continue to be drawn to him. I mean it genuinely but what is the appeal for you with him? with the occult which is generally associated with darkness? why does that appeal to you?

I am not saying that to be judgemental but lots of people are attracted to God because of the whole projection of human goodness onto him but you seem to be much more drawn to darkness and I’d really wonder why.

@Loveandlive I was into the occult for many years but am not any longer. That side of him, which for him is amoral/immoral as that is the type of occultism he is into, does not attract me at all.

It is solely the longstanding friendship from years ago I have a love for, and him as a friend and a person independent of his depraved interests.

I see him as that sweet person and friend I loved not that (admittedly large) part of him that is a wrong'un. I know that's not accurate and that's why I try to embed the reality of him as a wrong'un in my mind.

a person independent of his depraved interests.

He is not a person independent of his depraved interests though. You are struggling to hold a consistent view of him as a whole person if you are separating out these lifelong behaviours from who he is as a person.

@Loveandlive Exactly. I don't see an accurate representation of him as a person. That's why I'm trying to drill it into my brain.

That is usually based on how you handle cognitive dissonance. That two truths can be true at the same time. You like him because he resonates with something in yourself but he is a cruel, manipulative and callous man. Really I think it is getting back to why such darkness is so attractive to you in the first place.

@Loveandlive As I said, it's not. That side of him I dislike. But I see him as a person aside from that, who I am fond of. Or at most there is nostalgia value in the quirky concepts of the occult for me I guess, as I was into it for decades.

But the cognitive dissonance is more between seeing him as a person I'm fond of, and him being awful in virtually every way. I suppose his interest in the shady side of the occult (including Aleister Crowley) is one of those ways. It is also the well from which all the rest springs from. If you have a belief system that is amoral and prioritizes self interest at other's expense, you can then act in any which way towards others. And the people who get into that usually have reasons.

You’d be far better off not spending any further mental energy on this man at all, and filling your mind with positive things from your life now. And if there’s a lack of that, then that’s what you need to rectify.

It is possible to like a person while also being aware of their faults.

But I know in this case the part I like is not even real. He can seem a good friend (mostly to men though.) But even those friendships can be skin deep and he dislikes the person, under that surface of friendship.

@PheasantandAstronomers Definitely. Of course, friendships in your late 40s can lack that intensity you felt in your teens. But I will make more and it'll make up for it as they will be real connections IRL