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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Devastated by end of marriage

13 replies

ItsCoolForCats · 25/02/2026 19:46

My marriage is and over and my husband is in the process of looking for somewhere else to live.

He has c-ptsd, and has been having counselling for about 18 months. He thinks that living by himself is the only way he can process everything and work on his issues. He doesn't want to explore other options so I have no choice but to go with this and accept that the relationship is over.

But I'm so heartbroken when I think about telling the children. They are 13 and 9. I know they will take it really hard and I'm worried that I've failed them. And I'm worried about finances and how much our life will have to adjust.

OP posts:
AlanisMorningShed · 25/02/2026 20:33

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this pain.

I'm a month down the line, and I either feel a lot better, or I'm numb. Not sure which!

Telling the kids was one of the biggest worries for me, once that was over and we could then start supporting them, I started to feel more like moving on. I also have a plan to move out soon, so that helps. I had a week off work, and while it was hard having time alone, it did help having that breathing space to feel however I needed to and sleep.

All I can say is that the grief, shock and pain is unbearable at first, but it is improving. I hope it does for you soon.

My kids are older than yours, but after a few tears they seem absolutely fine. We're keeping things calm and stable as we can for them emotionally.

Original poster
ItsCoolForCats · 25/02/2026 20:41

AlanisMorningShed · 25/02/2026 20:33

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this pain.

I'm a month down the line, and I either feel a lot better, or I'm numb. Not sure which!

Telling the kids was one of the biggest worries for me, once that was over and we could then start supporting them, I started to feel more like moving on. I also have a plan to move out soon, so that helps. I had a week off work, and while it was hard having time alone, it did help having that breathing space to feel however I needed to and sleep.

All I can say is that the grief, shock and pain is unbearable at first, but it is improving. I hope it does for you soon.

My kids are older than yours, but after a few tears they seem absolutely fine. We're keeping things calm and stable as we can for them emotionally.

Thank you and I'm sorry to hear that you've been going through this too. I'm glad you are feeling a bit better now. I just feel completely overwhelmed with emotion, whereas because of his c-ptsd, DH can be quite detached emotionally and he is just acting as normal.

I don't know when we will tell the children. Probably not until DH has found somewhere to live. It's really hard. I just feel so sad that we've been married for 20 years and now it's gone.

OP posts:
Jadzya · 25/02/2026 20:51

Your H sounds remarkably selfish OP. Or is he lying about his reasons? I don't get why having cptsd would mean he has to break up his family. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

FirstdatesFred · 25/02/2026 20:55

Sorry you’re going through this OP. It is a loss, and it is a type of grief you will be feeling. In my experience, how the kids fare will be influenced a lot by how you and your STBX are about it.

Original poster
ItsCoolForCats · 25/02/2026 21:22

Jadzya · 25/02/2026 20:51

Your H sounds remarkably selfish OP. Or is he lying about his reasons? I don't get why having cptsd would mean he has to break up his family. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

I feel confused because I don't know if it's his cptsd that makes him feel he needs to live alone or if the relationship would have ended anyway. But either way, this is what he has decided so there is not much I can do. He is very detached and shut down emotionally. He finds counselling really helpful (after resisting it for years) but he says he feels stuck and needs to do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsCoolForCats · 25/02/2026 21:25

FirstdatesFred · 25/02/2026 20:55

Sorry you’re going through this OP. It is a loss, and it is a type of grief you will be feeling. In my experience, how the kids fare will be influenced a lot by how you and your STBX are about it.

Edited

Thank you. Telling the children is the thing I am dreading the most, particularly my youngest. We are not planning on telling them just yet, and I hope that by the time we do I will have my head together a bit more.

OP posts:
Jadzya · 25/02/2026 22:21

ItsCoolForCats · 25/02/2026 21:22

I feel confused because I don't know if it's his cptsd that makes him feel he needs to live alone or if the relationship would have ended anyway. But either way, this is what he has decided so there is not much I can do. He is very detached and shut down emotionally. He finds counselling really helpful (after resisting it for years) but he says he feels stuck and needs to do this.

Show quote history

What a joke! He has kids, what makes him think he can just up and leave, expecting you to pick up the pieces, not too mention be left with a broken heart and more questions than answers after 20 years of marriage! Disgusting behaviour.
Have you got counselling for yourself OP? I hope so. This is on him not you, so allow yourself to grieve.

Rhubarbandcustardd · 25/02/2026 22:25

ItsCoolForCats · 25/02/2026 21:22

I feel confused because I don't know if it's his cptsd that makes him feel he needs to live alone or if the relationship would have ended anyway. But either way, this is what he has decided so there is not much I can do. He is very detached and shut down emotionally. He finds counselling really helpful (after resisting it for years) but he says he feels stuck and needs to do this.

Show quote history

I have Cptsd as well - when I have a period of destabilisation I doubt everything I’ve done - my husband felt wrong and I regretted everything

I don’t think he should make this decision if he is having a similar period

im so glad when it passes that I didn’t move away from the things that I love and that are right for me - it’s so hard to trust and hold tight when you are going through it

Ophir · 25/02/2026 22:29

Oh, @ItsCoolForCats i feel for you, been there but it was an OW

might be that here too, I’d think, it’s a dramatic decision on his part

either way, you’ll get through it, though it is rubbish for the dc

UpDownAllAround1 · 25/02/2026 22:42

information is key. You’ll
need to get house valued
and prepare for divorce. Knowing the financial impact will answer the question the kids will want to know about living arrangements

Original poster
ItsCoolForCats · 26/02/2026 07:21

Jadzya · 25/02/2026 22:21

What a joke! He has kids, what makes him think he can just up and leave, expecting you to pick up the pieces, not too mention be left with a broken heart and more questions than answers after 20 years of marriage! Disgusting behaviour.
Have you got counselling for yourself OP? I hope so. This is on him not you, so allow yourself to grieve.

Show quote history

No, I haven't had counselling but it might help. It's just another expense I can afford. I didn't sleep last night. Every time I dropped off I'd wake up with a knot in my stomach and remember what's happened and feel like I can't breathe.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsCoolForCats · 26/02/2026 07:26

Rhubarbandcustardd · 25/02/2026 22:25

I have Cptsd as well - when I have a period of destabilisation I doubt everything I’ve done - my husband felt wrong and I regretted everything

I don’t think he should make this decision if he is having a similar period

im so glad when it passes that I didn’t move away from the things that I love and that are right for me - it’s so hard to trust and hold tight when you are going through it

Edited
Show quote history

It's hard because he seems determined that the only solution is to go and live by himself, so I'm not sure what I can do. He says he feels bad all the time and doesn't know how to be happy. But sometimes he will say something that I'm not sure if means it or if it's a just reflection of how he feels at the time so things seem much worse. He says he is not capable of being in a relationship. I'm just so tired today.

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 26/02/2026 07:31

ItsCoolForCats · 26/02/2026 07:26

It's hard because he seems determined that the only solution is to go and live by himself, so I'm not sure what I can do. He says he feels bad all the time and doesn't know how to be happy. But sometimes he will say something that I'm not sure if means it or if it's a just reflection of how he feels at the time so things seem much worse. He says he is not capable of being in a relationship. I'm just so tired today.

Show quote history

I think we could all work things out better by living alone for a bit.

But he’s a father to two dc. And had a responsibility to them. I think he’s being selfish. Make sure he tells them and that it’s his choice.

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