Devastated by end of marriage

[ItsCoolForCats]

My marriage is and over and my husband is in the process of looking for somewhere else to live.

He has c-ptsd, and has been having counselling for about 18 months. He thinks that living by himself is the only way he can process everything and work on his issues. He doesn't want to explore other options so I have no choice but to go with this and accept that the relationship is over.

But I'm so heartbroken when I think about telling the children. They are 13 and 9. I know they will take it really hard and I'm worried that I've failed them. And I'm worried about finances and how much our life will have to adjust.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this pain.

I'm a month down the line, and I either feel a lot better, or I'm numb. Not sure which!

Telling the kids was one of the biggest worries for me, once that was over and we could then start supporting them, I started to feel more like moving on. I also have a plan to move out soon, so that helps. I had a week off work, and while it was hard having time alone, it did help having that breathing space to feel however I needed to and sleep.

All I can say is that the grief, shock and pain is unbearable at first, but it is improving. I hope it does for you soon.

My kids are older than yours, but after a few tears they seem absolutely fine. We're keeping things calm and stable as we can for them emotionally.

Thank you and I'm sorry to hear that you've been going through this too. I'm glad you are feeling a bit better now. I just feel completely overwhelmed with emotion, whereas because of his c-ptsd, DH can be quite detached emotionally and he is just acting as normal.

I don't know when we will tell the children. Probably not until DH has found somewhere to live. It's really hard. I just feel so sad that we've been married for 20 years and now it's gone.

Your H sounds remarkably selfish OP. Or is he lying about his reasons? I don't get why having cptsd would mean he has to break up his family. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Sorry you’re going through this OP. It is a loss, and it is a type of grief you will be feeling. In my experience, how the kids fare will be influenced a lot by how you and your STBX are about it.

I feel confused because I don't know if it's his cptsd that makes him feel he needs to live alone or if the relationship would have ended anyway. But either way, this is what he has decided so there is not much I can do. He is very detached and shut down emotionally. He finds counselling really helpful (after resisting it for years) but he says he feels stuck and needs to do this.

Thank you. Telling the children is the thing I am dreading the most, particularly my youngest. We are not planning on telling them just yet, and I hope that by the time we do I will have my head together a bit more.

What a joke! He has kids, what makes him think he can just up and leave, expecting you to pick up the pieces, not too mention be left with a broken heart and more questions than answers after 20 years of marriage! Disgusting behaviour.
Have you got counselling for yourself OP? I hope so. This is on him not you, so allow yourself to grieve.

I have Cptsd as well - when I have a period of destabilisation I doubt everything I’ve done - my husband felt wrong and I regretted everything

I don’t think he should make this decision if he is having a similar period

im so glad when it passes that I didn’t move away from the things that I love and that are right for me - it’s so hard to trust and hold tight when you are going through it

Oh, @ItsCoolForCats i feel for you, been there but it was an OW

might be that here too, I’d think, it’s a dramatic decision on his part

either way, you’ll get through it, though it is rubbish for the dc

information is key. You’ll
need to get house valued
and prepare for divorce. Knowing the financial impact will answer the question the kids will want to know about living arrangements

No, I haven't had counselling but it might help. It's just another expense I can afford. I didn't sleep last night. Every time I dropped off I'd wake up with a knot in my stomach and remember what's happened and feel like I can't breathe.

It's hard because he seems determined that the only solution is to go and live by himself, so I'm not sure what I can do. He says he feels bad all the time and doesn't know how to be happy. But sometimes he will say something that I'm not sure if means it or if it's a just reflection of how he feels at the time so things seem much worse. He says he is not capable of being in a relationship. I'm just so tired today.

I think we could all work things out better by living alone for a bit.

But he’s a father to two dc. And had a responsibility to them. I think he’s being selfish. Make sure he tells them and that it’s his choice.

How you doing now @ItsCoolForCats

Bloody hell. I have CPTSD amd I havent abandoned my family or my job.
It sounds like an excuse to me.

@Shipsa not much has changed really, but I don't feel as bad as I did a few months ago. I have been working on my own resilience and have been trying really hard to protect my own mental health whilst all this has been going on.

He is still living here. He see doesn't talk much at the moment but does seem to have some plans to move at some point to live alone. I know he still feels "stuck". I think a lot of the stuff he has been working on in therapy has caused him to shut down. I want to be supportive, but living in limbo is hard and I can't do it indefinitely.

Oh op it's so so hard.
My husband restarted an affair he had previously and announced out of the blue he was planning to leave. Its been a little over 3 months now and I feel much better but struggled much more than I expected. I went to the gp for help and I am so glad I did. Its still hard but I can sleep and eat and feel more like myself. I wish I'd done it the first time around so would recommend a chat with gp.

I think that you're being very generous here OP.

Personally I would pack his bags for him and tell him to fuck off, if any man said he wanted to end the relationship to live alone no way would I try and be supportive, I wouldn’t give a shit if he had PTSD or any other label, I’m not a support human whilst a man wrings his hands in angst. I see it on here a lot, man announces he isn’t happy and wants to leave, woman tries to be supportive and wait for him to decide her life for her in the hope he will stay, all that does is give the man all the power, it’s up to him if he stays it goes, he knows his wife will wait passively his decision. If a man tells you he wants to leave show him the fucking door.

What a selfish prick! Kick him out, why should you and your children live in limbo?!

Thanks everyone. We spoke last night and he is definitely going. I feel a mixture of things. Devestated for our children and sad that things are coming to an end but I know deep down that things have been unacceptable for a while, so I think there is probably a bit of relief in there as well. But it's buried quite deeply under all the other intense emotion at the moment.

I told him that I want to be amicable and respectful when it comes to dealing with the children, but that when he moves I want space to move on and I want to keep contact to matters related to the children. I'm not going to be able to get over this if he is popping in and out all the time. I havent thought about any of the logistics regarding co-,parenting, finance etc yet.

He is planning to buy somewhere, and that takes time so I don't know how long he will be here. Since his mental health has tanked he has struggled with motivation so I think that might slow things down as well, which concerns me. It just feels like more time stuck in limbo.

Then he needs to rent somewhere. You aren’t his support animal - he needs to go.