My husband has anger issues, is my marriage over?

[Idkwhat2do]

I don't even know where to start, honestly. I (32F), have been married to my husband, R (37M) for 10 years this year. We have two girls, 4 and 7. They are my everything, and I need to do what's best for them. Although, I don't know what that is at this moment.

A little backstory about me. I grew up in a super toxic environment, and was abused by my mother. I got put into a group home at 16, after my mom took a bite from my hand. We are okay now, and talk almost daily. I have forgiven her, but still suffer from PTSD because of it. I also have ADHD and could be autistic.

R is the stay at home parent, he has medical complications, and is sore most of the time, so it made sense for him to quit his job, and stay home to take care of the children. I work fulltime and a lot of the time overtime to pay for our lives. He doesn't financially contribute, and does a lot of the care, cooking, cleaning, etc. When I am home, things are split 50/50. Like if he cooks, I clean, etc.

My husband has a temper. He gets mad easily, and slams doors often. He yells and throws what I can only describe, as an adult tantrum. It can be something so small, he has autism/ADHD, and blows things up. Like he yells at the 4 year old for peeing through her pull up at night time. She is fully trained during the day, and is learning. I think she is doing a great job, but if she wakes him in the middle of the night because she wet the bed, he yells and is very visibly mad.

He has also asked me for permission to spank our youngest. I am completely against it. I am so messed up because my mom didn't know how to handle her own emotions and hit us. I don't want to harm our children. I just want to love them. Kids make mistakes, and learning that it's not the end of the world when you make one is important. I still haven't learned that, but I am trying.

I don't really know if this is an issue or not. If it's grounds for a divorce, etc. I have not been happy with our marriage since our first daughter was born, I just don't know if it's fixable, or if I'm the problem, or if it's better for everyone to walk away. I don't know what to do. Any advice?

Leave. Seriously, you need to be told?

He's shouting at your children for accidents, he wants to hit your children. Does that sound like a healthy environment for your children?

No kid benefited from angry father.

Get this man away from those children. He is abusing them.

I think you have to protect your children. Shouting at a small child for a toileting accident is abuse and you know from your own experiences that it will have a lifelong damaging influence on your children. Your husband should know that it's never ok to hit a child under any circumstances - if he gets angry and can't control his temper, it is even more dangerous.

You need to leave and protect your children from his abuse.

I don't understand posters who call out LTB when a partner so much as swears at them, under their breath, in a stressful situation ...once.
In this case I would honestly be afraid to leave my kids in this mans care.

Young children need to be, and just as importantly FEEL safe in their own home. I doubt yours do.

You need to leave before social services get involved. Though potentially it might benefit you all to involve them anyway, depending what they can actually offer (which sadly is unlikely to be much given the horrendous pressures on the service)

And you might get the impression the kids love their dad. They are probably very relieved when he is not shouting at them, and anxious to please him. Not exactly the same thing.

Get out!!!!

Its scary he is the primary carer. You need to leave, like yesterday.

Please speak to your gp and safeguarding lead at school. They can help you.
No he cannot hit your children.
He is asking you permission and you will be complicit
Speak to someone urgently.

He wants you to allow him to spank the children?
He needs to be made crystal clear thats not on. As an adult he needs to get a grip regardless of what conditions he suffers from.

You yourself grew up in an abusive home and now your kids are being further subjected to abuse. Abuse was your norm in your childhood and it’s no coincidence you have got with this man who is now H. He is using your traumatic past against you to his advantage. Your boundaries, already skewed by your abusive mother (who likely remains abusive do why do you maintain a relationship with her at all) are being further eroded by your abusive husband.

Who diagnosed him with either ASD or adhd?. He likely does not have either particularly if he is self diagnosed.

There are no excuses or justification for his abuse or you and these children. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here? . This is not the model to be showing them and you need both Women’s Aid and a solicitor re divorce.

Leave

@Idkwhat2do

I am so sorry for all you suffered in your childhood. 💐

However, please break the cycle.

For the sake of your lovely children. They deserve better. So do you.

Please take steps to get yourselves away from this man or to get him to leave. There is still time to pull this back and give them a normal childhood but you have to take steps now.

Get all the help you can - Women’s Aid, GP, Social Services, charities - anything. Email / call them today. Ask for help.

You and your kids deserve better.

You dont need grounds for divorce. Divorce him

Your husband is a violent, aggressive child abuser.

"They are my everything, and I need to do what's best for them. Although, I don't know what that is at this moment"

You don't know what's best for them? Perhaps you don't realise how bad his abuse is because it is different to the abuse you suffered as a child, but I can assure you that the best thing you can do is to take your children away from this man and save them from further abuse.

Do not allow him to hit any child.

Ask R to find some part time work. This will help bring in more income and enable you to be sharing more in the parenting.
No more overtime for you.

If you are a kind parent, you should be the one parenting the girls in the night and while R cooks dinner and cleans up.

R needs to spend as little time interacting with the children as possible due to his personality not being patient.

If R cannot curb his violent outbursts you need to call in Social Services and ask for some helpful intervention.

Childcare is not a natural fit with R. If you separate, how will you keep him from shouting at the childen? Thus, you need assistance of professionals. Do you have nearby kind family?

R needs to get a job and be earning money.

Don’t expose your children to his anger. It’s not fair on them. As a parent of young children your main purpose in life (for the moment) is to look after your children. Subjecting them to someone who is angry is not ok.
Have a think about how the future looks if you stay. Will the girls have to learn to walk on eggshells, what if they are difficult teens - how is that going to play out. Also once they leave what happens then? It will just be you and him. Is this who you want to spend the rest of you life with?

Whilst I agree with people saying you should leave your marriage, you need to approach this carefully and get advice. You've backed yourself into a situation where you risk your husband being given primary care of your children in a divorce and you having to pay him maintenance. Seek help from Womens Aid or a solicitor.

I agree but you also need to ensure any abuse of the children is documented