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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Financial

12 replies

Mooga123 · 24/02/2026 21:42

Do most people know what your partner earns?

My H used to have his own Business, at that time i worked pt and claimed tax cr..

My husband then got a salaried position and his earnings increased therefore the TC stopped.

I started to find things a bit difficult as my income dropped so i showed my H breakdown and he said looks like you are managing fine so nothing changed.

Over time i got in a mess had debts for long while but managed by doing Balance tfrs to mimimise interest.. then i utilised too much of my credit and couldnt do that so.interest got huge. I still continued to pay bills ok but felt a lot of worry.

I then suffered a health problem and was in chronic pain for 8 months. Eventually i confided in my Mum and my parents have helped me to sort some of it out. I havent told h.

My son is going to uni in october and i asked my h if he had a p60 yet as i will need income figs for application.. he said that i only need to tell his salary so i said ok is it the same as when you took the job and he said no i asked what salary is?.He then said he'd have to work it out but wasnt going to do it now.. i am a bit annoyed he got a payrise and never said and that hes been annoyed with me because ive had no spare money for the past 18 months.

I really dont know what to do or how to resolve this..i feel he is earning a lot more than me. I find it weird that finances are so separate. I dont want all this secrecy. ive asked about working together as a team but he just wont.

I feel stupid not knowing what he earns especially as there is a large amount od ot added.

OP posts:
exhaustDAD · 24/02/2026 21:55

I will never understand how this is something spouses can hide from each other. In my head a marriage (ideally) means that the two people are a team, a unit, and as such work together... My wife and I have one joint account, always have, never once was it an issue. I only go "behind her back" when I buy her a present of some sorts... I don't know, when people hide info like that from each other, it makes me think they are just expecting the relationship to just end at one point.

AirborneElephant · 25/02/2026 14:03

This isn’t a marriage. A marriage is a partnership where you work together towards shared goals, not secrecy, separate finances and him being willing to see you suffer rather than help.

MrsPenelopeBridgerton · 25/02/2026 14:15

OMG, why on earth wouldn’t you know what your partner earns?! How bizarre. On MN, I swear a lot of people have housemates rather than husbands.

goz · 25/02/2026 14:18

It is weird that finances are so separate, but since you have lived with this for so long I doubt it’s going to massively change now.
Do you never discuss jobs, outgoings, house moves etc and how you will deal with it together?

category12 · 25/02/2026 17:43

Wow, it's easier to go to your parents and they helped you out financially- than it is to sort out finances with your husband?!

That's really not normal, OP.

How much of the bills are you paying?

When his income rose so much that you weren't entitled to tax credits anymore, he should have started sharing or paying a higher percentage of the billls not expect you to keep paying the same when your income had dropped.

The reason tax credits stop when you reach that threshold as a couple is because they expect you to pool resources!

It sounds like you're with someone financially abusive.

Lmnop22 · 25/02/2026 21:25

This is financial abuse. Nobody needs to go and calculate how much their PAYE salary is, everybody knows what they earn off the top of their head so he’s deliberately hiding it from you and being evasive about it.

He’s making you struggle with debts and go to your parents for financial help whilst hiding his income and completely ringfencing his own money? Ew.

Mooga123 · 26/02/2026 07:39

I know its wrong I just cant seem to address it.
H is v critical of me a few years back i was imobile for a period so he ran the house for a period and spent the entire time saying how amazing he was and how much more efficient everything was. It made me feel depressed.

I have addressed this as i am sick of him coming home and the first thing said is a moan not a kiss and being pleased to see me. Ive asked for this to change and for some positivitity but it doesnt change until it all blows up again.

I am always trying to please him but its like an impossible task.. i always get something wrong.

We dont really communicate he will only talk when he wants to and its rare. Theres always a reason not to football, being on overtime.

I never feel heard after a talk i usually feel exhausted. And not relieverld.

I know things have to change but weve been together 22 years and I cant see how I can but my needs are changing, peri meno, feeling the need to slow down and plan for ejoying life a bit.

OP posts:
category12 · 26/02/2026 23:29

Mooga123 · 26/02/2026 07:39

I know its wrong I just cant seem to address it.
H is v critical of me a few years back i was imobile for a period so he ran the house for a period and spent the entire time saying how amazing he was and how much more efficient everything was. It made me feel depressed.

I have addressed this as i am sick of him coming home and the first thing said is a moan not a kiss and being pleased to see me. Ive asked for this to change and for some positivitity but it doesnt change until it all blows up again.

I am always trying to please him but its like an impossible task.. i always get something wrong.

We dont really communicate he will only talk when he wants to and its rare. Theres always a reason not to football, being on overtime.

I never feel heard after a talk i usually feel exhausted. And not relieverld.

I know things have to change but weve been together 22 years and I cant see how I can but my needs are changing, peri meno, feeling the need to slow down and plan for ejoying life a bit.

Probably the best way of enjoying life would be to get this guy gone.

UpDownAllAround1 · 27/02/2026 01:55

felt so sad reading this OP. You and your son deserve better. Plan to leave

ThePerfectWeekender · 27/02/2026 04:46

You went to your parents to bail you out whilst DH financially abuses you. I'm sorry you felt this need, but it really isn't right. I presume any DC suffer due to this too because I imagine that's left to you as well with limited money.
You'd probably be better off financially if you split, let alone the benefits emotionally of being free of this tyant. I often see LTB on MN, in your case I'd endorse it.

NumbersGuy · 27/02/2026 05:46

This reply has been deleted

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category12 · 27/02/2026 06:39

Lol, I'd choose being a "single shrew" over being tied to a man who sees my income reduce because of his good fortune, and thinks "that's fine, she can just worry & struggle" and do nothing to alleviate it. What kind of love & support & partnership is there in that?

Well done on making it her fault for not forcing the issue, instead of his fault for being an arsehole.

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