Did marriage counselling work for you?

[orangestriped]

Following lots of trouble in our marriage, DH is now saying he will go to couples counselling. Has anyone done this and it successfully got their relationship back on track?

Our main issues are lack of communication, mutual resentment, some unfair and unkind behaviours. I worry we are both ultimately seeking validation for how we are feeling but I don’t want it to be a witch hunting exercise.

I’d be very grateful if anyone could share their experiences, good bad or otherwise. Thank you

I think if both of you are going in there with an open mind and willingness to work on yourselves and the relationship, it can work. If you go in there to score points of each other or get validation for one or other position it won't work.

And, if it is an abusive relationship, it won't work as well. It didn't work for me for this reason. I wish I had gone for individual therapy instead - as it would have helped me identify the unhealthy/abusive elements.

Have you seen Couples Therapy on BBC iplayer?

No, sadly. I'd already mentally moved on anyway AND Ex just had no way of making the changes he'd have needed to for me to be able to stay.

I think many people embark upon marriage counselling when it's too late.

Agree with @ClawsandEffect - if you are at the point in your relationship to consider marriage counselling, it’s already too late. Save your money for a divorce.

@ClawsandEffectand @BeeCucumber I think this is what I’m worried about. I wanted to do it 18 months ago, but here we are…

Try just talking honestly to each other. A stranger will rarely bring much to any of it.

40 years married. At 20 years we hit rock bottom and were on the verge of divorce, with serious issues on both sides. We decided to make it work. Neither had a Plan B; we had each viewed the other as our permanent other half and remained in love though, at the time, almost totally incompatible. We had five sessions with a Relate counsellor (in a different town as they were available without delay). Would we have survived without that? Possibly, but we now had a 'hook to hang it on' and were guided through. We had to put the work in (not easy), and despite a strong basis for continuing it hung by a thread. It worked for us, without it we might have divorced, and we are totally committed since.

No, but I do believe it could with the right counsellor, and I am actively considering couples/sex-therapy for me and my wife (though I haven't told her yet.)

It can be useful for a good separation too if it becomes apparent from the counselling that the marriage can’t be saved

I know more couples it didn’t work for but in general the guy didn’t want to be there. I think there’s always hope if you both want it. I think it might tell you where you are

Yes but we did couple therapy not counselling. We had one session with a counsellor where she gave practical advice… we did not go back.
therapy is looking at patterns in behaviour, noticing the moments it happens and what needs are behind them. It looked at how we related to one another, moments of connection and disconnection and noticing when we felt “not aligned”. She never took side (a feat!!) but noticed our competitive sides and how unhelpful that could become sometimes. It took us about 6 months. Very expensive but i suppose a divorce would be costlier….
it was with the tavistock relationship and we had weekly online sessions

No, but then Ex DH didnt want to actually change or make any effort, and has become abusive. One person can't save a relationship.

If you both want to, you both put in the effort and there's no abuse there's a chance.

We did it in the early years of our marriage following a life changing medical diagnosis for me and the brutal medical treatment that followed.

What it did to was help us to focus on how much we loved each other and wanted it to work. It gave us tools to help us communicate better and to let things go from before. But it was also hard to be called out for my behaviour and Dh felt the same. This was before we had children and we didn't have years of behaviour that caused resentment.

Immediately, you can look at Jimmy on Relationships on Youtube, he has some great videos. Also The Gottman Institute videos especially The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse video that shows terrible communication styles. I have tried to raise my sons with an awareness of good communication.

We did it because we wanted to say we had tried everything. Dh's sister had just got divorced and we felt that they both watched the relationship drift,they knew it was happening, they made promises but never kept them.

Out of the couples that I know personally, almost exclusively it never managed to course-correct things once resentment was present, @orangestriped . With miscommunication you have a chance, but I don't think there is a way to "un-resent" someone. That is a deep negative feeling that is not only on the surface occasionally. I don't pretend to be a pro at the topic, it is just something I saw with people around me trying it.

Yes. A caveat - you need some one good. You both need to want to work on the issues you have.
The lady we worked with worked on calming our nervous systems before starting a session. There was a lot of listening to each other and working on connection.
so we started the first session talking about why we fell in love with one another.
It 100% was not about point scoring. The issue was briefly explained but the main work was to improve communication and connection between us.

It didn't work for us, but then my ex didn't want to be there. That's the difference - if you both are committed and want to save the marriage, with the right counsellor it should work. I would also say that individual counselling would also help so you can gather your thoughts and really work on what you want and if the relationship is worth the effort.

I would also say on the flip side, divorce can be hard, so if you've got the foundation of something and just need a bit of support, then it's worth a try?

Solo counselling helped a bit and solo therapy focussing on our marriage was transformational.

I think you have to really want to get back to a great relationship for it to work - ie you have to believe in your relationship and be prepared to think differently. It’s hard.