Mildly toxic mothers

[Steppingpurple]

I see loads of threads and read loads of things about abusive toxic parents, but I don’t see much about just ‘mildly’ toxic. I feel like I can’t relate to these severe cases of abuse, but I definitely had an unhealthy dynamic.

I think my mum tried her best but I was a parentified eldest daughter. But not in the more extreme way I read about. More just that I was told a bit too much about hers and my dad’s relationship, or her relationships with other people in our family, and I was expected to look after my mums emotional needs whilst she says she is focused on mine but she definitely isn’t.
My dad also prioritised my mums emotional needs over our own and still does and I was always told how mature I was compared to my siblings as I understood all this emotional and relationship stuff.
Now I have a 9 year old I just can’t imagine telling them the things that I knew at that age.

I’m only just realising now how much she prioritised telling me how bad and horrible other people were, over making me feel secure and safe. I’m also realising how most issues in my life come back to how they impact my mum, or how they’re happening because (she says) other people are out to get my mum.

I’m not really sure why I’m posting, I suppose I am just a bit shocked now I’m realising all this but I can’t relate to other peoples more severe experiences of parentification and I’m not sure if what experienced was just normal then and I’m being unfair.
Everyone around us thinks we have an amazing relationship and she is the most dedicated and loving mum who would sacrifice anything for me.

I'm not sure you can be "mildly toxic". It's a bit like saying "a little bit abusive".

Your childhood experiences were normal for you. It sounds like you may only have just started thinking about them from a broader lens, particularly in respect of your relationship with your own daughter. A lot of people start by saying "my parents weren't that bad". "That bad" generally means no physical or sexual abuse; it's only comparatively recently that the impacts of emotional abuse have been understood.

I wonder if you would benefit from some therapy to help you understand more?

@redskyAtNigh thank you for your comment. And yes that’s fair I did think someone might say that when I posted
what I mean is, when I read about parentified children a lot of the information is about children left to raise siblings and do all of the housework and bill management, or maybe be a full time therapist for parents with addiction issues for example and it wasn’t that bad.
I’m currently in therapy and that is what has helped me realise it.

It sounds like you were subject to emotional parentification.

Thanks yes I think you’re right. It’s really weird to realise and think through it. I don’t know how I missed it before.
I feel like I can’t reconcile what I experienced with what they told me I experienced