How many propose?

[foolintolerant]

Hello! It's quite common on MN to moan about blokes. But we've had 'equality' for many years yet in proposing marriage, it's still expected that blokes take the initiative. Some are useless at this, but I know some women who've asked, not just on Feb 29th! What do people think? Maybe if women did this more often there would be less disappointment.

I think the whole 'proposal' thing belongs way in the past. I think couples should have conversations about major life decisions like getting married - share their views, listen to each other, reach a decision together. And don't get me started on asking parents permission and getting down on one knee 🤦🏻‍♂️😲

Neither of us 'proposed' - we made a decision together.

A "proposal" as an action is slightly different from the decision to get married. I think for many couples they have already discussed and decided together and if one then "proposes" it's a like a little rite of passage.

Jerry Springer always used to say that a proposal shouldn't be a surprise as you're already both on that page.

I think the problems arise when the "proposal" overrides the decision in terms of importance (to either person).

Absolutely this!

It makes me cringe whenever there's a 'He won't/will he/is he going to/he said he'd/ propose' threads on Mumsnet. And yes, the 'going down on one knee/asking father's permission' ones are even more cringeworthy.

And as for the ones where they've been "engaged" for years and he won't talk about getting married...

Nobody proposed. We discussed it, then we got married.

We were both on the same page about getting married but I still got down on one knee on the local beach with the sun going down behind the castle which I turned her to face. I waited until the beach was empty which took ages as there was a bloke running with his dog up and down. When he eventually cleared off the sun wasn't quite in the right position so I waited a little longer. My girlfriend then wandered off to pick some seaweed as the children in her class would be interested. She still married me despite not saying YES. I just got a squeak lol. Still together after 20 years. NO way was I asking her Dad, much to his disappointment! She rang her Mum when we got back and said "He's asked me that question and I've said Yes".

Neither of us proposed, we had a discussion and agreed on what we both wanted then took it from there.

Exactly. Proposals and engagements date from a 19thc time when relationships and patriarchal gender roles functioned differently, and when a man needed to declare his commitment in order to be financially vetted by a woman’s parents, and to secure the woman’s consent and exclusivity. The ring was a ‘she’s taken’ signal to other men as well as a public declaration of an intention to marry. Divorce was difficult or impossible, she would be entirely dependent on him, and as the couple would often have spent comparatively little time together before the engagement, the formal proposal and engagement was an important period.

Fortunately that’s long in the past. Now potential spouses are economically independent, are not forced to regard their marriage as indissoluble, and only need to consult their own preferences. They should decide to marry together.

And don’t get me started on the hilarity of some bloke staging a ‘surprise’ proposal to someone he’s been living with for ten years and with whom he shares three children. That’s like saying you’re going to ask someone out on a date when you’ve been living with them for decades.

We had a drunken conversation where I asked him what he thought of getting married. He was shocked I wanted too 😂. Then we had a sober conversation where we said we wanted to marry each other. Then I picked a ring I loved and now we are engaged 😂
very unromantic!

We talked about it, went out to buy rings, then got married - took three months in all. For me it was very romantic!

We also didn’t do a proposal, just decided to get married.

Even the couples I know who did a proposal, it wasn’t a real surprise to her, nor was it something where he had to actually wonder what the answer would be. For example, a friend of mine had agreed with her partner that she didn’t want to get engaged before she was 30 (not sure why). So he proposed on her 30th birthday. But they’d properly discussed it all, considered venues, both happily and openly talked about “when we get married” etc.
It seemed slightly silly to me because they had agreed to get married, so essentially they were engaged. But not “officially”.

I said to my DH, "let's get married, think of the money you'll save in tax"
He was about to start earning more money and self employed people save on tax if they are married.

Me and my now DH had both talked about how we wanted to get married pretty much since we got together but DH had a list he wanted to achieve first: promotion, buy a house together etc. I did get a bit impatient and sent him a link to the ring I wanted. But then my DF got diagnosed with aggressive terminal cancer and only had months to live so after a couple of glasses of wine, I burst into tears and told him I wanted my dad to see me get married. He then cried and said he'd messed up by waiting too long and how sorry he was. I think I then said "I think we're getting married then" and he kissed me. Definitely not what either of us had envisioned!

I found the whole proposal thing SO frustrating. We did what many people here have done, which is essentially talk about spending the rest of our lives together and getting married and what that would look like. But my DH insisted he wanted to propose, wanted to do it his way, and because it was so important to him I said ok fine propose then. But he made me wait so long, I was absolutely over the idea of a wedding etc by the time it happened, I just wanted to be married. If I had been in charge of it we would have been married at least 2 years earlier.

I think it would be great if there could be a societal shift around proposals, to the tune of just deciding together and sorting it out, or being more socially acceptable for a woman to propose. But I think (generally) men will see it as emasculating to be asked, and (generally) women see it as romantic to be asked, so this is one that I just don't see changing very soon.

See, I wouldn't have tolerated that 'waiting' for more than about a week.

In reality, I've never been in a relationship (and I was married to a man and am now CP with a woman - we've been together 27 years in all, 20 years CP) with anyone with whom it wouldn't simply have been a "Shall we get married?" discussion. And in both cases, we agreed and did it as soon as possible.

In the case of my civil partner, we HAD to wait until the Blair government brought in the legislation, which came into effect when we'd been together for more than 7 years - otherwise, we'd have done it within a year of being together.

Never proposed to anyone or been proposed to.
Marriage isn't something I've ever wanted to do.

I was bloody close to binning him off several times, and we had so many arguments about it. But we'd been together so long, and apart from that I was very happy with the relationship (and still am!). I did give him a timeline to work to in the end and he did propose before I got to the real deadline I'd given myself to put up with it, so that's lucky I guess.

I do think so many women are left in my position though, hanging on for ages, unable to move forward and unwilling to throw an otherwise good relationship away. It's like, is this issue enough for me to start again from scratch, when there is no guarantee you'll find someone better (or even as good as) your current partner, or someone who will propose quicker, or someone who makes you as happy. It could have taken me another 5+ years to find a partner I wanted to marry, which wouldn't necessarily have been a better outcome for me.

With hindsight, I wish I would have put my foot down a bit more about the fact we had basically already agreed to marry each other and so shall we just get cracking on planning the wedding. It might have saved some time.

The one I find strange is when people say something like ‘we have discussed engagement and marriage and he is going to propose a month on Tuesday on the anniversary of my hamsters birth’. If you have agreed that he is going to propose on a certain date, and he knows you will accept, that means you are already engaged! Engaged just means you have agreed to get married! 🙄🙄🙄