Ex-H been bad mouthing & disrespecting me and children

[Peachperfect]

11 months ago myself and husband seperated. I was distraught because it was my only chance at life to have a stable family unit which I had never had and he has wasted 14 yrs of my life. In a nut shell, we grew up as neighbours, been on family holidays, i adore his parents and they were over the moon when we become a couple 14 years ago. We have 2 children together and he is stepdad to my eldest from a previous relationship.
I will put the details at the end of my question if you wish to read what he has put me through aswell as this latest BS. (I've more written that part for my own therapy because I am seething right now and i need to remind myself why I shouldn't feel so bad!)

Myself and my husband finally broke up last year on my birthday (nice).
We had an agreement that if we wanted to introduce our children to future partners, we would be with said partner for at least a year and we would talk to eachother about it first out of respect (2 if our 3 children have ASD amongst other issues and they wouldn't be able to handle someone new in their lives, for them to go away again soon after).
We were co-parenting pretty well apart from some teething problems, but they were addressed and dealt with well.
He moved into a house beside a pub which he is in everyday, and unbeknownst to him-i also have friends that go in there that he doesnt know-and they have reported back to me some VERY untrue vile information about me that he has dished out to anyone that would listen.
He has acted out in lots of disgusting ways in our marriage and I think he may have done this incase I wanted to expose him (I haven't exposed him because im deeply embarrassed of the things he has done, and even more embarrassed I am a shell of my former self and that I stuck by him).
I have had this out with him and have called a truce which was going really well.
I found out a month ago, that he has been seeing a woman from said pub who is in there everyday with her baby and other children. I also found out that after 2 weeks of seeing her, he had been taking our children to meet her in this pub and our children have had to witness him play with her kids and stand talking to her the whole time he has our children. I am absolutely livid about this, I wasnt consulted (because I would've said no!) I am met with questions from our children everyday about this-in which i have no answers. They are devastated to see him with another woman who isnt their mum and it has messed them up seeing him hold her very young baby and pretty much playing Dad to her other kids to impress her.

Needless to say I was mad about this and banned him from taking our children to see this woman anymore and have also put a ban on going to the pub and gave him a list of child friendly things to do.

2 weeks ago, I was told he was back in the pub with our youngest-I (gently) asked her about this, she look very guilty and said he hadn't taken her there, she then broke down and told me her Dad told her to lie if I asked.
She has since been had 2 meltdowns about this new woman and her children because she feels we have all been replaced

I bumped into this new gf the other day, she smirked at me and I just saw red. I dont fight, but we were throwing insults at eachother and someone stepped infront of me telling me "this wasnt the time to do this". SO - now I've played straight into his hands. Because I lost my patience from being made a fool of, i now do look like the psycho that he has made me out to be. This couldn't be further from the truth.
I feel like ive lost everything.
Ive been secluded from my friends at his request/demands.
I now have crippling anxiety.
Im under MH services from all the mind games and psychological abuse.
I have no life at all apart from work and my children, I havent been able to mourn our marriage breakdown because 2 of my children are at home 24/7 and I dont get a break except 2 evenings a week where he has them when im at work.
Ive been left to pick up the peices and im just so exhausted.
I feel like im disposable and worthless and my MH is the worst its ever been.
All I wanted was a secure family unit but I know feel im repeating history and now my children are going to have to go through it too.
Im so sad thay theres nothing I can do to stop this, or to clear my name.
I dont have a leg to stand on and I only have a couple of friends left in this area. He has seriously messed me up, when i have spent thr majority of my life getting over bullying as a child into adulthood and now in adult relationships.
I feel completely worthless and helpless.
What do I do?

Below are some of the things i have endured in the past 3-4 years:
I first started to suspect something wasnt right when he used to go out not just once a week with friends, its slowly increased to 3-4 evenings a week. Always took cash only. He started to become jealous for no reason, and now i can see how controlling he was. I ended up finding out he was a coke addict and was thousands in debt (I had no idea) he also was addicted to porn and sex workers, and then i started finding screenshots of local women which i thought was very creepy as these weren't sent to him. We went to marriage counselling which worked so well for us. This came to an end when he needed counselling for his coke addiction. I didnt mind as I wanted him safe and healthy for our children. He got off the drugs and I was so proud of him, and incredibly excited for our new future.
After a while we started arguing because he started going out more and more because, in his words "its like im experiencing life in a new way and im enjoying seeing things clearly because im not on drugs". I should also point out that i have always had to reel him in with him drinking alcohol-his biological father died of alcoholism at a similar age he is now. I do also think that him being a functioning coke addict was a way to keep him feeling more sober so he was able to drink more alcohol-i could be wrong, but i doubt it.
With that came him accusing me of cheating constantly, he had told me that my closest friends were saying all sorts of things about me behind my back -i didnt believe him for a second and called him out in a group chat in which he swiftly removed himself.
It ended up very slowly with me seeing my friends less and leas until i become a complete hermit who never went out-except for work, and i eventually was having panic attacks every day for no reason. He then started coming home sometimes as late as 5am, once he came home with his clothes inside out and sweating profusely - he told me eventually he stopped off at a quiet lane near our house to masterbate...
He also grabbed me by my collar at the front of my neck when I found his secret 2nd phone and threw it at the TV. There was also an instance where I finished work at midnight and he asked me to pick him up from his friends house, i went in for 5 mins to be polite and he was showing off and 2 of his friends wives told him he seemed "creepy" (I didnt see what he was doing) I got in the car and the atmosphere changed and I was filled with dread. I started the video on my phone as it felt like he was going to "go for me" he didnt, but the next 2 hours were horrendeous with him repeating himself with me apparently cheating (something I have never done nor given him reason to believe i have). I still have the video of him repeating himself over and over again.

Final straw was when he sabotaged my birthday last year-he turned up home over an hour late, i was just leaving (i was already visually upset) he just pulled up and sat on his phone like it wasnt my birthday and he had done nothing wrong or even acknowledging i was there.
I got out and gave him some choice words about making my birthday about him because of his mood and he got in my car told.me to get in and started driving. I told him to stop the car as i didnt want to go with him. He locked the doors and continued driving, he was gpong 5mph as was still on our road where we lived, i eventually unlocked the door and opened it because he refused to stop-he then tells me maybe i shouldnt be a mum to our children if im unstable to the point of trying to "jump from a moving car" That devastated me as im the only one that does everything with my children-he has never even taken them to a park.
He was being incredibly disrespectful by going out as much as possible and leaving me to deal with the children constantly by myself which wasnt easy because 2 of the children have additional needs. As soon as he moved out he was living the high life. He has no money because he still owes thousands from his old coke habit, but he still is able to go to the pub most days, have at least 2 relationships, has weekends to himself, new job, new company car.
How he has landed on his feet i dont know
But im so angry he has this new easy life and has got away scot-free from his disgusting behaviour.

This man is an absolute nightmare and is incapable of providing any stability for your children. I would cut him off and stop him from seeing them and let him go to court for access.

It sounds like you are much better off away from him OP. You and your children are a solid family unit, you don't need a man there to be a family.

You sound like you're jealous of his new life - don't be! He's an addict and is probably still using - it's likely that this will affect his job and his relationships. Anyway, what he does is nothing to do with you, you need to concentrate on yourself and making your life what you want it to be. Are you having treatment for your anxiety? There's lots you can do for your own well-being alongside medication and therapy. I've had anxiety for many years, sometimes it's bad but often I can keep it in check by doing yoga, mindfulness & meditation, getting outside and walking in nature, watching funny uplifting and familiar shows, getting enough sleep and eating healthily. All these things keep me on a more even keel - it's important to take care of yourself.

Finally, if I were you, I'd be concerned about my children spending time with their dad if he's just hanging around a pub. Do they want to see him? I would be limiting access if I didn't think its in their best interests.

The only victims here are all the innocent children involved. I pray they make much, much wiser choices than these clowns posing as "adults" in their lives.

He hasn’t won! Framing this arsehole moving onto his next victim is your undoing.

I have no doubt that this man was and is an arsehole but you need to take responsibility for staying with him as long as you did. He was never your chance at a stable life and sacrificing your mh on the altar of that dream has brought you here.

Time to make better decisions. Grieve the man you desperately wanted him to be and accept that this is he who he is. You can not make him prioritise the needs of his children and you will have to lower your expectations. I get the feeling that your children may feel stuck between you and their father and you can mitigate that by being their safe space and not making them feel that they need to protect your feelings.

This man is no longer part of your daily life, that is your win.

Sorry you've been through all this.

You have to stop trying to police or manage him and disengage. You can't stop him doing what he wants with the kids. You can make all the agreements and call all the truces you like, but nothing is in good faith on his side.

He's going to do whatever he likes and whatever is convenient to him anyway.

Just drop the rope on that. He's loving getting you all het up and getting the opportunity to get your kids to lie.

Let your kids feel you are a safe space and let them draw their own conclusions over time.

He's not winning. Sure he's out drinking and shagging, but the important stuff he's already lost.

Sounds like my friends partner, he’s a selfish prick of a man who couldn’t let go of the single life too

What an awful scenario for you and your DCs. Do not let him have the children ever again, a pub is not a good place for them. Let him take you to Court over access, but you must write down the dates he has had them so far and where he took them.

Thankyou so much for all of your advice. Ive ended up in this predicament because the emotional/mental abuse was extremely sly and so slow and "cleverly" done that I didnt even know it was happening. I stood by him because I didnt realise things were as bad as they were-I also wanted my girls to have a Dad, unlike myself when I was growing up. He does love the children very much-but there isnt anything attached to that such as a day to themselves with his undivided attention, something small like their favourite movie or favourite sweet etc.
He has no access to me at all for the past month except email so everything is recorded (i have made him aware of this). Im so thrown and disgusted by him introducing our children to another woman that ive cut all ties except email. He has been warned via email about thr boundaries with said woman and the pub and how it isnt the place for a child to spend time when they are having visits with their father. I think part of the purpose of posting is to get out some of these built up feelings, but to also see if other people feel im being OTT as i have been told in the past that I am TOO overprotective of my children.
The only child of the 3 that wants to visit him is the youngest as they have an amazing bond-but she even broke down last week saying he has changed and she doesnt like his new lifestyle. She has since been brave enough to relay that information on to him-he has completely dismissed her feelings and said this is because "mummy will never like any of my girlfriends"! This is not the case at all. It still feels very raw to me as im still grieving the person i THOUGHT he was-but its the disrespect to our children that has got me the most. They dont deserve any of this.