Staying in dead marriage for sake of DS

StuckinamomentIcantgetoutof · 2026-02-22T21:56:57+00:00

I’m married 8 years. DS(16) is not DH son. My marriage is dead in the water and at 58 I fear life will pass me by. The only reason I can’t make the decision to leave is that I have no other family, if anything happens to me DS will be on his own (his father died 3 years ago). I’m hanging on with the thought that if anything happens to me he’ll have DH. They’re not close but he would be all that DS has. Im totally torn between DS having someone he can turn to, and making a better life for myself.

Thriftnugget · 22/02/2026 23:00

Can you see any possibility that your son and your husband could continue to have a meaningful relationship were you to separate? How do you think your husband sees your relationship now? Could you end it mutually with him continuing to be a father to your son? Staying in a miserable relationship “in case” sounds like a poor choice, but I can understand your feelings given your son lost his father. I’m sorry you feel alone like this.

NotnowMildrid · 22/02/2026 23:01

That’s really tough.

If anything happened to you, they’re not close, so presumably you couldn’t guarantee he would support your DS?

If you can support yourself, I would leave. It’s never a good thing to be in a bad marriage when you have a DC/DCs.

Endofyear · 22/02/2026 23:27

I wouldn't stay for that reason OP - you're only 58, you're hopefully going to be around for a long time yet! And there's no guarantee that your husband would bother with your son at all if you weren't there, especially if they're not close. If you're unhappy in the marriage, you should leave and make a good life for you and your son. Is there a friend you could ask to be a guardian/support for your son if something happened to you?

Original poster

StuckinamomentIcantgetoutof · 23/02/2026 07:13

Endofyear · 22/02/2026 23:27

I wouldn't stay for that reason OP - you're only 58, you're hopefully going to be around for a long time yet! And there's no guarantee that your husband would bother with your son at all if you weren't there, especially if they're not close. If you're unhappy in the marriage, you should leave and make a good life for you and your son. Is there a friend you could ask to be a guardian/support for your son if something happened to you?

Thank you for replying. I think I’m mindful of the fact that DD has already lost his Dad who was only 49 when he died. Agree 58 is relatively young but having lost all of my family in the last 7 years or so it prays on my mind, possibly more than it should.

My best friend is based a short flight away but could be available if needed. More locally I have more of what I’d call acquaintances.

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Original poster

StuckinamomentIcantgetoutof · 23/02/2026 07:14

NotnowMildrid · 22/02/2026 23:01

That’s really tough.

If anything happened to you, they’re not close, so presumably you couldn’t guarantee he would support your DS?

If you can support yourself, I would leave. It’s never a good thing to be in a bad marriage when you have a DC/DCs.

Thank you…and yes, very true, there is no guarantee. Financially DS would be very secure, emotionally, not so much.

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WhatNoRaisins · 23/02/2026 07:17

I get this, we don't all have a wide network of family and friends and this fear is real. That being said your DS is only 16, you might feel differently about him as he becomes an adult. He might make his own connections in the world and seem less vulnerable.

ShawnaMacallister · 23/02/2026 07:18

What a strange thought process - are you a little traumatised by the death of your ex? It's strange to be thinking about your own death in this way and even if you did die now - your son is 16 not 6 and there's no reason to think he would want to stay living with a step dad he's not close to. Staying in a dead marriage with a man your DS isn't close to for his sake is bizarre.

Endofyear · 23/02/2026 07:23

StuckinamomentIcantgetoutof · 23/02/2026 07:13

Thank you for replying. I think I’m mindful of the fact that DD has already lost his Dad who was only 49 when he died. Agree 58 is relatively young but having lost all of my family in the last 7 years or so it prays on my mind, possibly more than it should.

My best friend is based a short flight away but could be available if needed. More locally I have more of what I’d call acquaintances.

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I can totally understand your worries, given that he lost his dad so young and you've suffered other losses 😢 I would talk to your best friend about your worries and ask if you can put her down as a guardian/support for him if the worst was to happen. But try not to let it play on your mind too much - it's likely you have decades ahead of you and he will have his own family by the time you're no longer here 💐

Villanellesproudmum · 23/02/2026 08:41

ShawnaMacallister · 23/02/2026 07:18

What a strange thought process - are you a little traumatised by the death of your ex? It's strange to be thinking about your own death in this way and even if you did die now - your son is 16 not 6 and there's no reason to think he would want to stay living with a step dad he's not close to. Staying in a dead marriage with a man your DS isn't close to for his sake is bizarre.

Hardly and somewhat unfair of you.

Original poster

StuckinamomentIcantgetoutof · 23/02/2026 08:48

WhatNoRaisins · 23/02/2026 07:17

I get this, we don't all have a wide network of family and friends and this fear is real. That being said your DS is only 16, you might feel differently about him as he becomes an adult. He might make his own connections in the world and seem less vulnerable.

This is true, and yes, the fear is very real. I’ve put in place all the legal measures I believe I can (DS inherits all pre marital assets so he’ll have a home and a decent pot of money), will, POA, and have introduced him to the relevant contacts (lawyer and IFA).

We’re working now on the next step of education so that will in itself increase his own social circle.

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Original poster

StuckinamomentIcantgetoutof · 23/02/2026 08:50

You are so right…thank you for your kind words.

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ShawnaMacallister · 23/02/2026 09:04

Villanellesproudmum · 23/02/2026 08:41

Hardly and somewhat unfair of you.

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Why unfair? This is a strange thought process and when people are thinking strangely there is often an underlying factor that needs to be processed. It wouldn't be surprising if OP has been badly affected by her ex's death - most people would be. When we are grieving or in a period of stress we can make strange decisions and I think OP is making one by thinking she needs to stay with her husband for the sake of her son who isn't his son and isn't close to him.

Original poster

StuckinamomentIcantgetoutof · 23/02/2026 09:32

ShawnaMacallister · 23/02/2026 09:04

Why unfair? This is a strange thought process and when people are thinking strangely there is often an underlying factor that needs to be processed. It wouldn't be surprising if OP has been badly affected by her ex's death - most people would be. When we are grieving or in a period of stress we can make strange decisions and I think OP is making one by thinking she needs to stay with her husband for the sake of her son who isn't his son and isn't close to him.

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He was an ex for a reason…personally, I’m glad he’s no longer in my life.

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Villanellesproudmum · 23/02/2026 11:51

ShawnaMacallister · 23/02/2026 09:04

Why unfair? This is a strange thought process and when people are thinking strangely there is often an underlying factor that needs to be processed. It wouldn't be surprising if OP has been badly affected by her ex's death - most people would be. When we are grieving or in a period of stress we can make strange decisions and I think OP is making one by thinking she needs to stay with her husband for the sake of her son who isn't his son and isn't close to him.

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That is not how you worded your original response.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2026 12:21

Do not stay in a dead marriage for the supposed sake of your son. It is a statement that often does not stand up to scrutiny. Whose sake are you staying for really because it’s not for his sake at all, more likely your own because it’s somehow easier. What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?.

if your son is not close to your now h that may not change. Effort has to be made on both sides and if that’s not happening now it likely will not change. He just wants you as his mum to be happy. You’re his world.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, please think again about staying in a dead marriage because you’re modelling potentially the same for him. Be brave here and make the break. One day your son will leave home, what then for you and your now h if you are still together then?. You’re 58 so not past it and it’s not too late to start again or be on your own with your son till he leaves home.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2026 12:32

My late father was in a very similar situation to your son at that age. His dad died in a motorbike accident and his mother went onto marry again. He did not like this man at all and his stepfather made no real effort with him.

outerspacepotato · 23/02/2026 13:00

I’m hanging on with the thought that if anything happens to me he’ll have DH. They’re not close but he would be all that DS has.

Your marriage is dead. You say yourself your husband and son aren't close. It's very unlikely that your husband will take care of your son when they're not close and you're in an unhappy marriage in the event that you die. I think that's a pipe dream. If your marriage is dead, your husband will likely want to cut all ties.

Prepare your son to live independently.

One of my neighbours remarried quickly after his wife died. He died within the year and his new wife sold the home and left one 18 year old and 3 minors homeless. The youngest was 11. Don't count on your husband here.

ShawnaMacallister · 23/02/2026 13:23

StuckinamomentIcantgetoutof · 23/02/2026 09:32

He was an ex for a reason…personally, I’m glad he’s no longer in my life.

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Well sure, but he's your son's dad. It would be unusual if you weren't shaken by this in some way.

APatternGrammar · 23/02/2026 13:54

If your husband would stay in your adult son's life after you are dead, he will make the effort now if you separate.
Leave if that's what's best for you, and work on establishing good friendships for yourself in your area and setting your son up.