Unsure after first date

[Namechangeddddd14393039576998689]

Went on a date last week with a guy. On paper he is pretty much ticking every box and we have a lot in common. On the date, we had good chat, laughed a lot, he asked questions, kind, warm. He seems quite open and keen.

I have come out of a six year relationship about a year ago and I have a daughter so my guard is very much up.

I know that the usual things that I am attracted to are not going to lead to a healthy relationship - aloofness, emotional unavailability, lacking curiosity about me. I have been working on these for quite a while and they are the reasons my past relationships ended.

After the date I didn’t feel a strong attraction or spark and the things that he does like being keen, asking me questions etc. seem to be more putting me off. I’d like to ask people’s advice and whether to try and go against my initial feelings with this and give him a chance? I really don’t want to meet the same type as my exes.

I wonder if you have hit the nail on the head by saying there was no anxious chemistry and you had a good time on the date. One date in that's all you ca ask for really, as you just don't know more. I'd arrange a second date and see, and you can see what he is like in the interim too, like does he ring, is he reliable, is he normal or chaotic etc.

Your gut is telling you what you need to know.
Listen to your gut.

I think either you accept that it will feel different if you are to break the habits of a lifetime and find a decent human being, or you stay single and continue to work on yourself.

I think you can train yourself to want different things in a partner especially when you’ve experienced hurt and to not want to repeat that, However I believe it’s still possible to find attraction in the new type but it’s just not with this guy, don’t force it.

So go on another date?

Most people aren't sure if they see anything long term with someone after one date. That's what the second, and the thirds, and the fourth etc are for.

You had a nice time, so what's the harm of repeating the experience?

Some relationships are slow burners… there’s nothing wrong meeting him again for another date and see how you feel after. As others have said you are under no pressure to make a decision after a 1st, 2nd or even 3rd date (or beyond).

You could also go on other dates with other men and see how those go.

I’d give it another go. You acknowledge you usually go for ‘aloof’ and ‘emotionally unavailable’ guys, probably due to underlying insecurities or past trauma. This guy is the opposite- engaged and interested in you and you’re pushing him away! It’s classic and lots of women do this, available men are somehow boring but ‘boring’ is stable and secure.

I'd give it another couple of dates since you enjoyed his company.

Let's be clear, there is no way of knowing on a first date that the person won't turn out exactly like your ex.

Most are on their best behaviour early on. They can still turn out to be cold, unkind and abusive.

The problem is you might have done 'work' but it's the wrong work. Because you haven't come to the realisation you actually need to have. That what you want maters.

Anyone can turn bad and if you font prioritise what you want (and, stop blaming yourself for previous 'poor choices' when those men deserve the shame not you) you will continue to settle.

The only point of a relationship is you really really like the person. In à romantic way. And they make your life better for being in it. otherwise, stay single until you find that person. And remever that when you do, they still get the boot if they ever stop being good for you. Because YOU are your person, first and foremost.

You don't owe second chances to anyone you don't fancy. 'On paper?'Means nothing!

Practice choosing yourself.