When did your relationship with your partner start feeling better after having kids?

[Emmum65]

FTM here and honestly, my relationship feels at rock bottom.

Our LO is 14 months old and I really thought by now things would be settling down, but it feels like we’re drifting further apart. My OH sees me as a nag, and our dynamic feels more parent/child than equal partners.

He isn’t the most proactive person and I feel like I carry most of the parenting and mental load. I’ve just started a new job (first one since mat leave) and I’m completely overwhelmed trying to juggle everything, whilst also coming to terms with less time with DS. I’m exhausted and don’t feel much compassion or understanding from him.

Whenever I try to talk about how I’m feeling, he says I’m always “getting on at him” and that I’m the problem. He doesn’t seem to see that I’m overstretched and just need more support. Even when I raise things calmly, I get the impression he thinks I’m just moaning. We’re arguing more than ever, mostly over petty things, but it’s becoming more intense and there’s even been talk of ending it, which feels so dramatic. There’s no spark or affection at the moment — I just feel distant and numb.

also really don’t want LO growing up around this tension. He’s a total mummy’s boy and sometimes seems quite agitated by OH — I can’t help wondering if he’s picking up on the negativity between us.

Has anyone elses relationship been this low post-baby and managed to turn it around? When did it get better? I doubt OH would agree to couples therapy, but is there anything I can do to improve things — or at least protect my own wellbeing?

Unfortunately a lot of men are like this and seem to be in the majority. When the children get older and less dependent they may shift back a bit, but by then mothers are usually filled with resentment at the selfish, childish behaviour that had been hidden up to then.

Sadly it’s a behaviour that can’t easily be predicted ahead of children, as men themsleves may not believe themselves capable of it. Until the sleepless nights and shift of attention away from them.

Sorry OP. Hope things improve

Yes I had it OP, and foolishly assumed that that was the way it was so went on to have more dc. Don't make that mistake as it gets much harder. We are divorced now and he actually manages to parent much more effectively alone, ironically.

I would suggest you tell him that to save the relationship, you need him to agree to couples councelling. Let him know that if he doesn't, it will most likely be the end of the marriage.
If he doesn't agree, book yourself in with a decent counsellor to help you to process everything and then leave.

My dh and I have been in couples councelling for about 2 years. We are still navigating everything, but I know if we hadn't gone, id have divorced him by now. My only regret is that we didn't go earlier, as I hold a lot of resentment from the early days of parenting, and it would have made such a difference to have someone outside the relationship get him to understand what i needed from him at that time.

Make sure you find someone decent though, the first person we saw was pretty useless - a relate councellor. Second one has been amazing, not relate.

Thank you all, I’m not sure how people put up with this sort of behaviour for years and years but I certainly can’t. I will mention couples therapy but can pretty much already guarantee that won’t be something he is willing to explore.

DH and I went through a tricky patch when our DC were very young. All the normal stuff - both tired, not enough quality time together, bickering over silly things. We got through it (youngest is 16yo now) and our relationship is strong now. So I think that things can improve. I would suggest counselling as he may not realise how bad it is. We didn't do counselling but we did go on a marriage course which helped a lot.

I find it hard to answer without specifics.

MN has extremely high standards for dads (as it should) but there also has to be a middle ground sometimes between that and reality. By that, I mean that most people are great in some ways and a bit useless in others and have to account for that when making decisions.

That all sounds a bit waffly, but honestly I did find my DH a bit crap both times when our children were very little. It was manageable with one child, but then we had a second and honestly I did seriously consider leaving just over a year ago, when they were four and eighteen months. I spent last year feeling like I had fallen from my lifeboat on choppy waters and was managing to keep my head above water but that was it - all my energy was on survival, gasping for breath and exhausted. Meanwhile, DH and others were on the lifeboat and grumbling that the cruise ship had sank.

I did think that I’d have to leave in order to get any sort of ‘break’, but it’s a massive, massive thing to break up a family, and also somewhat cynically I took a bit of a long term view with it all. My older child started school in September and that made a massive difference; my youngest starts in 2027 so not that long away and then I’ll have a bit more time for me.

I answered as I’ve never got anywhere talking to my DH about any issues or concerns I have; I realise for some that in itself is a reason to leave and it might happen yet, I don’t know.

What I have done is focus on me a lot more. My younger child was two in July and I started a strict weight loss process in August and have lost over five stone and am now a healthy weight for the first time in years. That’s made a massive difference to me. I’ve also joined a gym with a crèche and am going to start going a couple of days a week with DD. I’m generally being a bit more selfish as for a long time literally everything has been about the children and it still is but there’s a bit left for me.

I know I am rambling. I also think that year between 1-2 is a difficult one as they are still just babies in many ways but walking and active but not able to access things independently like parks and soft play and the like.

Never. We staggered on for 15 yrs.

all my energy was on survival, gasping for breath and exhausted. Meanwhile, DH and others were on the lifeboat and grumbling that the cruise ship had sank.

This was such a great analogy

4 months post-Partum was our real low point (to the point where I walked out and me and baby went to stay with my mum for a week).

Things probably improved to the point where our relationship started to get back on track after about a year when I went back to work. I think this was due to the type of job I did though which meant I did long shifts and was sometimes away from home for two days in a row and so naturally DH had to take on a much more equal role in the parenting duties.

I think relationships can only be truly back to their usual happy state when both parents take on 50/50 in their parenting role and share the responsibility (as much as is possible in their individual circumstances).

Without that level of equality and appreciation of each other there will always be underlying resentment from the parent that does more (with regards to childcare and general house chores) and it will just chip away at the relationship.

What is the split like in terms of childcare drops-offs/pick-ups?
Preparing meals?
Bath time and bedtime?
Housework?
General day to day care of the child and playing with them?
Do you each get equal time to yourselves?

Whats a typical day/week like for you?
And how does it compare to his?

It may be the case that he never had any intention of stepping up and sharing the load equally, and always assumed that you would be the default parent and default household manager, and he's pissed off that you apparently aren't willing to just accept that - in which case I doubt couples therapy would have any effect even if he did agree to go to it. What a selfish arse.

https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-labor-inequity-is-abuse

Him not pulling his weight isn't an accident or something you can change by finding the right words. It's part of a systemic lack of respect of women and male entitlement to women's labour.

You know what I realised when I was with a newborn and lousy husband.... You can't save a marriage on your own. Where is his effort? His concern? If he is calling you a nag then he isn't taking responsibility for his part.

I think a baby shows the cracks in a lot of cases. I'm sorry. It's not easy at all.

Try and talk honestly but he has to meet you and want to make it better too.

It's good that you're back in work, prioritise your financial independence, do things you love, pay this man as much regard as he does for you.

The fact that he isn't striving to be an excellent boyfriend and parent says all you need to know about him.

It never improved but I also believed that all men were the same etc etc so we had two dc. We are divorced now.