Close friend and her abusive partner

[alovelypatternedcarpet]

I've always known that he's not very nice, but I saw the full extent of it recently - he was verbally and emotionally abusive to both of us (in front of each other) at her sister's wedding.

They have a party coming up "to celebrate their relationship" and I really don't want to go, but she'll be really hurt if I say why; she knows he's "not great", her words, but for whatever reason she is sticking with him (LTR).

I don't want to hurt her, but I can't bear to watch him play the perfect partner all night, knowing what he's really like (and I suspect I don't know the half of it). I also don't want to spend time with him after how he behaved towards me.

For full disclosure, I'm not long out of an abusive relationship myself, so I know that I am sensitive to it. I can't unsee it, and I am so sad for her.

I 100% don't want to lose her as a friend, so how do I tackle this - do I put up and shut up and go to the do, or do I make an excuse, or do I tell her why...and risk our very lovely friendship by being honest...

WWYD? TIA.

If it had been her birthday party them I would have gone. Given it's to 'celebrate their relationship ' and you know he's abusive, I would not go. By going, you are validitating his behaviour and he might use your appearance as proof they are meant to be together
But you do have to tell her why and that comes with a risk.

You don't have to tolerate her choices. He's an arsehole and she's chosen to stay with him, she's made her bed. If it upsets her that you don't want to go, then that's hers to deal with.

I know it sounds harsh, but she's expecting YOU to tolerate this like it's okay, and it's not. Tell her you are her friend, but you will no longer be spending any time around him, and be clear about why.

As we get older we become less tolerant to people's negative behaviour, I would not be going and if asked I would tell her the truth, she's chosen to stay with an abusive bully, I wouldn't tolerate him anymore and if that leads to her choosing sides then so be it but you can continue a relationship with her without that nasty pos,

Nah, I definitely wouldn't go. Be honest with her that you don't like the way he spoke to you and you don't like the way he treats her. Tell her you want to be a good friend and hope that you will be able to see her on her own. If she chooses to be offended there's not much you can do - you have to be true to yourself.

I wouldn’t go either. It’s one thing him being like that with your friend (which is awful enough in and of itself) but quite another him doing it to you.

Am I missing something? Who has a party like this? I can see people having a party and they really enjoy hosting it together but to title it like this seems weird to me....

Their two families have been through some difficult times recently, so the party is to celebrate having come through all of it together...she said it's about doing a nice thing after some really difficult things. Her birthday is actually the same weekend which is making my decision more difficult.

Yes, what on earth do you call this event? Come and enjoy a buffet with us to celebrate our 8.5 years together? 😟

I would separate the two things. I would say on the day you've come down with something and can't attend, to avoid giving him more ammunition against you. In a private conversation with her I would say you don't like his treatment of her, and that if she decides she's had enough she can come to you for help anytime. Don't text it as then he may read it.

Offer to take her for a birthday meal or the like, on another day. You can still do something nice for her. Spoil her a bit.

Thanks everyone, it's a tough call but I know you are all right...just so hard to see a dear friend being controlled by such an awful man.