DH makes everything my responsibility

[LongStoryLong]

Just had a huge row with DH after it transpired that he blames me for his desk being too small. Apparently I made him buy a sit-stand desk when he didn’t really want one, and it was expensive so he got one that was smaller than he wanted. This is NOT how I remember it playing out at all. He needed a new desk (we sold the previous one ahead of a renovation), he said he was sitting down too much, and I said ooh you could have a sit-stand desk. He then researched and bought it.

It’s not the first time he’s ambushed me with responsibility for something I had no idea I had a say in, months after the fact. Last time it was to do with the position my son plays in football. The team were asking him to play in goal, we spoke about it and I remember saying he wouldn’t get much exercise. Other conversations were had between them (I know nothing about football and DH takes him, literally nothing to do with me) then months later when DS wasn’t doing very well at football, it came out in a row that DH blames me for not “letting” him play in goal. I wasn’t even there! I never go to football!!

I dunno. It’s so exhausting and unexpected. I do make a lot of decisions to do with the house and family, because if I didn’t nothing would ever get done. I thought I could take it as read that there are some things I don’t get a say in (his desk, DS’s football, where the shelves go in his office (another decision I seemingly made that he doesn’t agree with)) but apparently I have to decide everything and face the consequences for decisions I make unwittingly by proxy?

I don’t know if I have a question. I’m tired. Thank you for reading.

I had an ex like this and wasn't having it. Whenever he tried it on I corrected him firmly and clearly and he would shut up pretty quickly, often with a blush - he knew what he was doing.

That's not why he's an ex but I can't say it helped the relationship!

I suggest you take the same approach with your husband, followed up with what you said here,
"I don't see why I have to decide everything and face the consequences for decisions I make unwittingly by proxy. You're an adult capable of doing a responselible job, you are accountable for own decisions and choices. I won't stand for you attempting to shift the blame for your regrets onto me, you're not a child so don't behave like one"

I would simply tell him the following:

You are a grown adult who is more than capable of making decisions at both work and home. Stop blaming me for your decisions you later regret.

Say it, say it once then nothing more. Then for the next month or so, everytime he asks you a question or wants your opinion, be very non committal.

Some may see this as playing games but I disagree. He needs to be told and shown that his behaviour won’t wash and it has consequences.

What can we say? Read books on Emotionally Immature Adults. You will find your DH there. These are people who can’t accept (what they think of) as imperfection, failure, or blame. They communicate their own feelings of shame or embarrassment by contagion—they start fights or have moids in order to shift what they see as blame onto someone else.

This is bad but worse he will communicate these patterns to your child. I just wouldn’t accept the criticism. I would just hold my hand out, palm up, and say “stop right there. No one is at fault here do there is no point wasting time trying to find someone to blame. You made your own decision last year, about the desk, about son’s sport. If you don’t like the result undo it. Don’t bitch to me about it.”

Your DH is a knob. I hope he has some redeeming qualities because living with him must be awful.

These suggestions of things to say are very helpful, thank you. Particularly as part of the problem is that when this happens I am totally blindsided and really fucking angry tbh, so I do end up indignantly shouting, which I realise is unhelpful.

It’s also very unsettling for me to realise that all this time I’ve been steering this ship alone. I thought we were doing it together.

My DH did this. He didn’t really mean it, it was like a reflexive reaction to any annoyance. I gently, then firmly, then assertively pointed it out to him. Nothing changed. One day he did it again and I properly lost my shit. I absolutely roared at him (had a sore throat for days after), slammed things around and left the house for half a day. I’m not proud of myself but he’s stopped doing it.

I call that ‘who left that there’.
It’s what ex used to say every time he broke something or hurt himself. Stomping about and moaning about how everything was out to make his life hard.

OH can be like that sometimes. I just ignore him and he gets over it. Ironically, when I actually do fuck up he’s very supportive and reassuring and tells me not to worry about it. Then he comes up shit like “don’t pour oil down the sink “ when I never do that.

Oh mine does this occasionally. Apparently it was my fault his new office chair that he ordered is grey rather than black. I vaguely remember him asking me which one he should get and I said ‘I really couldn’t care less’.
Anyway I tend to just laugh at him incredulously and he shuts up.

Could it be that the female is responsible for the male's actions? She hasn't parented him properly, is not the proper partner, doesn't listen to him, doesn't have a crystal ball to see all his needs?

All the bullshit
all the time
all the responsibility!

I have similar experiences. Being forced to make decisions, then held accountable when dh is unhappy with such decision.

You just have to fucking call it out every time. Bleeding exhausting. But don't let the <pain in the arse> be allowed to blame you.

Or divorce him. You have to make your choices as am adult as well.

Myndh needs something for his car - the car l never drive. He keeps asking me which one he should get and every time l answer with - which one do you think you should get? Cos whatever l say will be the wrong one anyway.
Sounds exhausting op.

I think I would lose my shit and just come out with it once and for all. Call him out on his behaviour.

‘Stop being a fucking baby every time you regret a decision you make. If your ego is so fragile you have to blame someone else for your mistakes because you don’t have the balls to accept responsibility, then you need to grow up. Stop showing yourself up.’

Should do the trick.

It is the nuclear option, mind. But honestly, who’s got time to let him repeat this shit?

I don’t need any encouragement to lose my shit, to be honest 😂 but it’s really interesting to see these more measured responses. Ignoring him until he gets over it or laughing in his face are things I can currently only aspire to.

I think I’ll be more ready for it next time. In these two most egregious examples that I’ve described here, it’s been a sort of creeping realisation (and in the football example a friend was with us, so that was mortifying). It’s a conversation that begins benignly, I make an observation or whatever, and he counters with something else, and then gradually as the conversation continues I’m like, oh my fucking god, you’re BLAMING ME for this!! And I just can’t actually believe the gall of it!?!

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. They’re cathartic to read.

I think my husband is like this

my husabnd was the same and I never ever challenged anything and it ended up with me going into psychosis

my husabnd makes me make all the decisions

this was my life and I ended up losing every single thign when I went into psychosis

both od us have a hard rime making decisions and overthink everythign