How would you leave this relationship?

[Theuniverseisconsistent]

Any advice welcome. Here's the situation;

Marriage is abusive but not physically, financially or in a way that can be proven so cannot get help.

No family to help me. No children or pets to worry about. Haven't been allowed to work for 20 years so while I have access to money and I could leave, but as I haven't been able to work it's not a long term solution as how would I pay for that going forward? How would I get work, explain the absence etc? I have applied for some jobs but not heard from them I assume because of the long gap. Also I cannot drive so cannot do a lot of jobs that seem to be most in need of staff such as care work or shift work.

Thank you.

Can you enrol in a course to help with employment? 20 year workforce gap, you will need to refresh some skills. Would volunteer work help?
Do you have your own bank account? Can you build up a buffer for a few months of rent and expenses, then find a flat near public transport?

I can't do a course or volunteer until I leave. I don't have my own bank account, but I do have access to money. Not enough to leave and spend a long time volunteering, or doing a course though. More like enough to leave and pay the bills while I wait for the first months pay to come through.

You said it's not financially abusive and then say "Haven't been allowed to work for 20 years", preventing you from building up a pension.

I'd start with Women's Aid.

Jus because you can’t “prove” it doesn’t mean it didn’t and doesn’t happen and the women’s aid and police will believe you x

If you're not allowed your own bank account, that seems like straight up financial abuse to me?

How do you access money?

You may be overestimating the "proof" needed to access help from domestic abuse services - have you spoken to anyone?

You could open your own account online and get to the post first?

And as you're married, you're entitled to a share of any marital assets (property, pension, savings etc). There's no reason you should come out of it with nothing. Obviously that's not immediate, but it would relieve the situation in time.

First off open an online account (request no paper copies)and start siphoning off money for your runaway fund. Look into rentals and once you have enough for a deposit make your move. On the day you decide to move you can take another chunk. It’s morally wrong I know but needs must.

Depends how much money you can lay your hands on (IE withdraw pref to your own account) against how much money/assets there are in the marriage in total. Copy evidence of those assets to a safe place.

Cash is good for short term escape but for renting your own place you need paperwork and probably 6 months rent in advance.

So you need someone to stand by you while you get on your feet. Start with NDA helpline, women's aid or a local women's organisation (assuming no trusted friends or family). Once you've escaped start some volunteering, this will ease you back into a working environment and get you references. Sign up for free courses at your local college. Claim all the benefits and make your situation clear to DWP, keep demanding support into work from them.

Then you start the divorce.

Hold steady and don't give up!

An unemployment services will help you get on the job ladder/ if you go to retail and deal with someone face to face as opposed to online and say you haven’t had the opportunity to work but are a hard worker etc. good luck op

Hello. im in a somewhat similar position. I will send you a DM and you can reply to that if you want to .

Can you give some more info about your situation? You say you have access to money, but how much? Is what you spend monitored? What is the reason you're not allowed to work? I assume because your partner says so, but what do they say? How old are you? What's your housing situation? I assume you have your own phone? Full access to internet? Do you have family but been isolated from them?

You will need a bank account to do anything - move out, work, claim benefits. It's easy set up a bank account online if you have some forms of identification.

I would look for live in jobs far far away.

Grab as much money as i could get my hands on, pack all my shit and leave...

He's controlling. It IS abuse. Look up coercive control. It can be subtle. Womens Aid all the way. They will recognise this as abuse. Sending you strength to get through this. There's a shortage of homecare assistants and they will train you. Just to get you started.

Thank you everyone for the advice. Sorry not to return and answer questions. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed and I also need to delete this account but I really do appreciate the help. Sorry again.

Look at your local council for work, they don’t ask any questions about your personal circumstances or career gaps just fundamentally if you can do the job. They offer hybrid/flexi working and usually in good public transport places. Good luck 🤞

I was in a similar position a long time ago. You need a bank account urgently. If your spending is monitored, get cashback at the supermarket checkout when you're doing food shopping and sock it away in your account until you have enough to leave. If you apply for universal credit initially you'll be able to access training courses and get help with jobhunting skills. I wasn't sure if you meant you don't have kids or if they're grown up now, but if you go for the kind of jobs de-skilled mums returning to the workforce often end up in (for lack of a better way of putting it) your work history gap will be in lots of good company. The jobhunting landscape is tough at the moment for everyone tbh so your work gap may not particularly be the problem. And yes, Women's Aid can help. Abuse needn't be physical and you don't need to prove anything to anyone. I would also try CAB for advice re practical measures you may not have thought of. No wonder you feel overwhelmed. Post again here if it helps. Wishing you luck.

Cashback goes on the supermarket receipt.