Just need a moan

[Mountainsunderthesky]

I don’t know what I want from this, other than to tell someone. This is long and full of typos and punctuation errors because I’m trying to type quickly. I’m not new, just changed names.

I'm married, we’ve been together for 15 years. I’m 31. I’m sad, lonely, anxious. We have 2 wonderful children, and I left my job to raise them but returned to working a few years ago. I work in a school so the money isn’t great but it means I don’t have any worries about childcare.

This week has been school holidays, so my husband took the week off from work. Yay! We get to spend some time together. (He asked for the dates of school holidays to book his al).

First day, he went out all day and evening (drinking in town), second day he was drinking at home and sat with his headphones on listening to music all evening. Which I thought was rude.

Third day, he did overtime and then went to another town with friends (drinking), which is when he informed me he was going to golf the next day. I was obviously pissed off because- hello? We are off school. This caused him to say he is never booking school holidays off again, how he feels like a stranger in his own home, it’s his annual leave so he should be able to go out!

So, fourth day he went to the golf course and returned home early evening with beers and sat in silence drinking.

Day five, we had wider family plans so he did spend the day with us, then he stayed in and drank again.

It’s day six today. I said let’s take the kids somewhere and offered lots of activities, to which he replied - I’m not leaving this house. So we’ve sat in all day, in the same room, barely speaking. And he’s still drinking.

Last day off tomorrow, never thought I’d be desperate to get back to work.

He is going away with his friends for 3 days next week so home will be lovely.

If I could, I would take my children and go. Can’t afford to do that, we claim UC but it goes into his bank and as a LSA my pay is awful. His name is the only one on the tenancy. My children give me so much affection but surely I deserve a partner who wants to chat with me, cuddle up, help around the house. My husband is adamant he doesn’t have a drinking problem. He doesn’t help with cleaning, only cooks for himself and god forbid the kids want some of his food (he’s chucked food in the bin because one of them wanted some and ate half), doesn’t play with the children.

Why can’t I win the lottery and leave. I can’t tell my family because then they’ll hate him and they will say something to him which means I’ll have to deal with that once we get home.

Would your family hate him enough to help you leave?

It sounds like a shit way to live and a poor environment for your kids. They're growing up thinking this is normal.

If he's drinking so much and golfing etc he's probably more expensive than he's worth. If you split up at least you'd have control of your own budget.

Is it social housing you're in or a private rental?

So sorry OP, it's clear your husband is utterly selfish and doesn't care about you or his children. Does he drink a lot usually or is this because he is on holiday?
If its a regular thing he definitely does have a drinking problem.
I couldn't stay with someone as selfish as this and he sounds like a terrible father. You are married so you are entitled to half of the shared assets and to the UC which he is keeping at present. I would definitely be sharing how awful he is with your family and seeking their support. Then l'd be seeing a solicitor to find out where l stood financially and would be planning to divorce him asap. You don't have to live like this!

What a terrible example he is setting to your children. And just an awful environment for you all. Life is too short to live like this. Can you lean on your family to help you leave?

We rent privately, through someone he knows personally.

My family is lovely but I don’t think I could emotionally cope with the reality of it all. I am neurotypical but due to my relationship I am naive, dependent and very anxious. I’ve never lived alone. I don’t pay any bills directly, just a lump sum to him every month. I have no idea how much it would cost to run a household.

I literally have nothing to my name. I have a credit card but I keep it paid off, he currently has £700 on it because he can’t get credit. Some of this is food shopping and some is the gas bill. He will pay it off, just not all in one go.

Yes, he drinks every day, apart from when he works late shifts. I’ve mentioned so many times he drinks too much but he gets annoyed at me.

In my dream, I leave and me and my children live this magical life.

Ive been thinking about applying for social housing but because the UC is in his name I wouldn’t be able to afford the rent and I don’t want to tell him I’m going until I know I have somewhere to go.

It sounds like I’m making excuses but all these scenarios keep going through my head. I don’t have any friends but when I disclosed some information at work a few months ago my boss recommended a woman’s aid charity and said she thinks it’s financial and mental abuse. That feels like it’s really dramatic and I don’t even know if it is that, because that’s awful and I would be sure if it was happening to me?

Yes you are stuck because of his abuse, listen to your colleague and make contact with WA.

You got together when you were 16? Or have I worked that out wrong. Your situation sounds awful and you couldn’t really have any idea what you were getting into.

It's quite common to minimise and doubt being abused.

There's usually a nice side to the abuser and it's hard when you're subject to emotional abuse to see it for what it is. Your boss was saying what she saw.

You're more competent than you know. Paying bills and managing a budget isn't hard. I reckon you'd be better at it than he is, since his credit is shit.

You should stop letting him put you into debt. If he's not abusive, that would just be a conversation

Yes, first relationship.

he currently has £700 on it because he can’t get credit. Some of this is food shopping and some is the gas bill

I mean, he is shit with money to have used a credit card for this while going out as he has done - he's probably have spent the equivalent amount on this week's solid drinking and golfing.

Financial abuse and keeping you "trapped" is why he's using your credit card for bills.

You can do better without him, op, I guarantee it

“we claim UC but it goes into his bank and as a LSA my pay is awful.”

So how on earth does he afford to drink every day and play golf? If you were to leave him, you would definitely be eligible for UC in your own right, and even if you couldn’t get social housing, you’d get help with housing costs. You need to speak to some women’s organisations and the CAB to find out what you would be due, and get yourself sorted out. This is no way of going on - you don’t need to live under someone else’s thumb. As for never having paid bills etc, you’d be amazed how you will manage - it’s not rocket science! Be realistic, though - it won’t be you and the kids in a magical existence: it will be hard, but you will be in charge if your own affairs and you won’t have to put up with his complete lack of input into family life.

OP You need to confide in your family, ask them to support you and help you to leave him. Also, please contact Women's Aid and seek advice from them.

Whose name is the child benefit in?

I assume it’s paid into his bank account but whose name is on the the actual claim.

Invredibke that he claims UC but can go drinking/away with mates/gofing and puts the gas bill on credit!
Definitely go to WA -they were fantastic when my friemdc was in a similar situation -you really do need to get your DC away from this appalling situation.

He sounds like a moron, sorry. You’re too young to live a life like that. Whilst it won’t be easy initially leaving with finance etc you will feel relief and can eventually build the life you want. If you rent you will get help towards housing costs, universal credit and hopefully he would give you some money towards the kids. How much does he earn compared to you? I believe even if you separate but remain in the same house whilst you find your feet you can make a separate UC claim yourself. There are some good calculators online that will give you a rough idea of what you’re entitled to.