Just told children that we are separating

[gooseduckbird]

I'm heartbroken, we've just told our children that we are divorcing. They are broken. I'm broken, I've tried so many times and tried to just get in with an unhappy marriage but can't keep doing it. I feel like I should have though as seeing their heartbreak is soul destroying relationships

Time will heal OP. It’s no good them observing an unhealthy relationship, they’ll only copy that when they’re older. It’s doing them a disservice. Children adapt better than we expect sometimes. As long as you both stay civil and cooperative, as best you can.

It’s so important to teach children not to put up with an unhappy marriage or situation, they will heal and over time it will help them with their own future relationships. Stay strong

Children will adapt, what age are they x

I breathed a sigh of relief when my parents divorced. It’d be far worse for them to have miserable parents as role models for how relationships work. You separating now gives them the chance to have healthy relationships in their future.

13 and 9, they are devastated. Their whole world has blown up. I feel so sad for them.

Aw I can imagine, they will be okay and adjust with time. You can’t keep living a lie for them, you are just as important. Honestly when I was there age I wished my parents would get divorced as all they did was argue, they eventually divorced when I was 40 🤪 what a waste! They lived a lie for many years so please don’t do the same for your kids and teach them that it is normal to stay in an unhappy relationship. Stay strong x

It’s heartbreaking for you all OP, I understand, you would probably give anything at the moment to take their pain away, went through this recently with grandchildren similar age to yours, there’s no way round it is there and it’s that awful cliche of time will heal but right now it’s all too raw and real, you will all get through this I promise, please be gentle on yourself

My brother and I were similar ages. I remember how devastated I was, and then angry. But with time to adjust to our new normal I was fine and maintained good relationships with both. (I still have sleepovers at both house sometimes and I'm 40 😂)
Be patient with their emotions but know that you've done the right thing long term.

It’s completely normal. They’re crying because their world is changing and they don’t know what it is going to look like in the future. Will they still get to see you both as much? Will anyone else come along and be more important than they are?

All of this will ease with time, when they understand that mum or dad is just a phone call away and they’ll be loved just as much as before. You’re doing the right thing. It would damage all of you to stay married for their sake.

Just make sure the remainder of their childhood and teen years is about them, not finding a new partner.

I have been in you position, and I sympathize.

Your children are not broken, they are upset. There is a difference.
They are going to be OK.

So sorry you all have to go through the hardships of a divorce @gooseduckbird . Give them time, as others have said before me. Chances are it is more sudden for them than for you and your soon-to-be-exH. Don't forget for you it was a process, for them it is something that is a new concept, and they will need time to get used to it. It is natural they feel this way, it would be worrying if they didn't care...
Don't forget, before you are doubting your decision, you being unhappy would not serve them...you wouldn't want to normalise their mother being actively unhappy...And think about it this way: in the future, you would not give them the advice to stay in an unhappy marriage either.

Listen to your children the day I was told at the age of 10, that my parents were separating I’ve barely spoken to my mother.
She said me and your dad are getting divorced, which one do you want to live with, I said my dad my sister said mum, she turned to me and said tough, you’re staying with me!!
Since that day I’ve barely had anything to do with her!
Fortunately, my dad only moved a few minutes away so I spent a majority of my time with him

Clearly not the same as OP, she’s clearly devastated, unlike your mother.

I don’t think this kind of dramatic language is especially helpful. Talking about them being broken and their world blowing up isn’t the way to think.

You need to set the tone. That it’s not ideal but it happens to a lot of people. Of course it is upsetting and there will be tough moments but all four of you will be fine in the long run and they still have two parents that love them.

Some of their reaction will be because they're scared about what's going to change and what this will mean. Giving them some one-to-one time to ask any questions or share any worries once the initial shock has subsided could make a big difference to that aspect.

Sadness about an ending is natural, and it will naturally heal too.

How do you know she wasn’t devastated? 🤣🤦🏻‍♀️

Because she acted like a cunt?

Towards me yes, she wasn’t happy because I preferred my dad to her