Is this just a relationship crisis to overcome?

[Lindisekkk]

I (20F) have been with my boyfriend (21M) for 8/9 months. He’s really sweet with me, buys me flowers, opens doors for me, compliments me and all this stuff I deeply appreciate and that makes me feel loved. However, if I take my rose-colored glasses off, I have to admit that these things only happen when he’s in a good mood. Of course, I don’t want him to worship me when we have an argument, but his way of arguing with me is becoming too much for me to handle. He’s the kind of guy who gets angry rather than sad, the kind of guy whose anger makes him punch walls and destroy stuff. I have seen him do these things when his anger was not related to me, and I tried to talk to him about it and tell him that he needs to work on this so that it doesn’t negatively impact our relationship. He said that he knows, apologized for doing it in the first place, and seemed to take my remark into account.
But here we are, a few months later, arguing about everything, going through this phase I thought every couple has to go through, the actual getting-to-know-each-other phase.
I am fully conscious of the fact that sometimes I bring up stuff that seems irrelevant because of my childhood traumas and my past in general. And I’m not afraid to apologize when things get too ugly between us because of my past, which I should be, as an adult, able to have control over.
However, I am starting to realize that the problem might not be the things we argue about, but the way we argue. Him calling me names, getting mad, feeling attacked anytime I bring up an issue, whether it is relevant or not… makes me scared of him. I am afraid that I will give up my efforts to communicate because of this fear.
However, I still found the courage to talk to him about it and tell him about my fears. The fear that punching walls could become hurting me physically. The fear that calling me names could mean that he won’t have any respect for me in the future of this relationship. The fear that the target of his yelling might change from me to our kids. The fear that I can fight back but our children won’t be able to, because they’ll be too vulnerable.
He told me that my words about my fears are replaying non-stop in his head, but that he doesn’t see anything we could do to make this situation better. He never told me I should change stuff about myself, but he also doesn’t seem to even realize it could be time to change something about himself.
I’m starting to think that maybe to him, I’m not worth changing for, and that this relationship will never be healthy.
I even suggested couples or individual therapy, but he refused. He said he didn’t want strangers to “decide things for us” and that it’s expensive. I found a company that offers a few free sessions, but he still refused.
I still love his family and other than this, we get along really well… He’s never physically hurt me and he can be very loving outside of conflicts.
Has anyone been in a similar situation before? Did you stay? Has it ever gotten better?

You're way too young to be putting up with this crap. Obviously nobody should be putting up with this crap but you're 20! What are you doing? You know this isn't right, you have your whole life ahead of you, there are millions of men out there who don't behave like this, go find one.

No I'd say that wont get better and unless he makes tangible steps quickly and shows tangible evidenced improvement I think itll just get worse and my guess is he would eventually become abusive.

Just end it. If it's more hassle than fun it's not worth it. I stand by that at any age, but at 20 you shouldn't have any hassle!

Punching walls is abusive. It is meant to be scaring you.

Do men like this change? Yes, typically for the worst. There is a better than 50% chance he will hit you quite soon. I suspect your trauma and youth is the reason you didn’t leave the first time.

You have been trained to see anger as passion and therefore love. Get deprogrammed quickly. Because it will end badly otherwise.

No, this is not something normal or part of the “getting to know each other” phase. If you’re feeling like you need couples therapy less than a year in it’s bad news. Just walk away from it before you get any ties.

That's a whole long way to say YOUR SCARED OF HIM.
Thats enough. Leave him

Look, if you need to write such a long post about your ‘issues’ at the age of 20 you really, really need to leave and prioritise what YOU actually want.

WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH is always a good read for women who struggle with their boyfriend’s/husband’s demands that they ‘need’ to change/accommodate their needs/pretzel themselves to do whatever ‘keeps the peace’.

The only change you'll see is that he will get worse as his violence escalates. Sadly it always does. Always.

For comparison OP, I've been with my husband for 25 years. Do you know how many times he's punched a wall in anger? Zero. Shouted or screamed at me? Zero. Called me names? Zero.

Your bar is very low if you're accepting any of this in a relationship. Get rid of him before he really hurts you and find the better quality man that you desrve.

Drop this sack of potatoes and get on with your life. I’ve never had a decent man shower me with flowers and open doors for me. Only the manipulative ones do that. Good decent men don’t get angry and punch holes in walls. Put this one in the bin.

You shouldn't be having a "relationship crisis" less than a year in. He's got major problems dealing with anger and punching walls, come on. He's too cheap to go to therapy and he doesn't want "strangers" knowing he's got severe anger problems. You know he's flying major red flags for being abusive when you're mere months in. Don't go one step further, break up and run.

The getting to know you phase is fun, not finding out they're punching walls and other intimidating stuff.

@Lindisekkk From a mum of adult daughters. Please end this relationship. Worst case you end up yet another statistic of a women killed by her partner.
You are young with your whole life ahead of you. Make your future a happy one.

No him punching walls and destroying things is not something to overcome.
Run a mile from this loser.

He’s no good. No one should put up with that kind of violence. End it before he starts punching you, not just the walls.

He’s an abuser in waiting - please don’t waste your youth on a man capable of violent outbursts. This will end in tears

Don’t walk away … run at speed.

It will be downhill without a doubt.

Do not consider having children with him.

Get out now.
"the kind of guy whose anger makes him punch walls and destroy stuff"

Is not ok

This sounds like hard work so early on in a relationship..
You know there are 8.3 billion people in the world?... this one is not for you..

This is aggressive damaging behaviour, and he does it because he doesn't know how to process things properly. He can't and he chooses instead to haul off and punch walls. No wonder you are scared! It is designed to make you stop challenging him, so he gets to do wrong without you saying anything about it.

I would consider this relationship over, no matter what he says, because he is in a pattern of behaviour that will take a lot to unlearn and its not your problem and he doesn't deserve you.

I would make a plan to quietly end it and slip away...

Think about it. How many people do you know other than him that punch walls when they're angry?

My guess is none hopefully. No this isn't normal. He's succeeding in frightening you. Of course he doesn't want to go to counselling as he knows his behaviour is wrong.

Run. You've got plenty of time to find a decent man that doesn't abuse you.

You can't stay in a relationship where you are fearful of his reaction if you or someone else disagrees with him, or if you or someone else does something he doesn't like.

And what happens when he runs out of walls to punch?

Nope. Just nope.
Get out now before you get any more involved.

This time should be just enjoying each other's company, going out together, going out with friends. Finding out more about each other's interests and having fun!

Mostly, feeling safe and relaxed together.

There should be:
no big drama
no big moods
no 'managing his emotions'
and definitely No wall punching or feeling scared!

Seperate yourself from him now and don't look back.

He told me that my words about my fears are replaying non-stop in his head, but that he doesn’t see anything we could do to make this situation better.

We?!

He's basically told you he won't change and isn't even prepared to try.

I'm afraid domestic violence tends to get worse, not better. If you stay with him, you'll end up shrinking yourself and questioning every little thing you do to try to preempt his temper.

Do your future self the huge favour of ending it with him. It'll be painful now, but so much better for you in the long run.

Please centre yourself and your wellbeing in this. The younger you, who has already suffered trauma: give her the gift of peace, and turn your back on this relationship. You deserve SO much better.

Acting out aggressively serves the purpose of scaring and intimidating you -you're right, you probably will stop communicating. This becomes a shorthand for ceasing to share of yourself, take any amount of space, be spontaneous, expect fairness and kindness; feeling free to just be you. Always second-guessing and erring on the side of caution, so you don't poke the bear. If you've not lived it, you may not see it coming, or recognise the signs. You're vulnerable.

Be your own best thing, and go.

End this relationship now. Don’t try and mend him. Don’t think about having children with him. Go, now. Run, don’t walk.