His ex is doing my head in

[Kaseoftheex]

DP was with her for 6 years. They were always on and off and both had affairs, so I figured it was nothing to serious because if you love someone you don't cheat on them. Plus she hurt him a lot by cheating loads and he retailiated by cheating IYSWIM.

However, they were engaged although he never actuallu proposed, she just thought it might be nice to get engaged so they did. They had a big party for it. When we got engaged it was the most romantic thing ever on holiday and we are very in love. But we had a small do at his mums.

When we first got together, she felt the need to go round his family's house to see them. After I'd already met them.

She also started txting him asking how things were going with me,... why should she care? They had a loan together and she kept contacting him to pay it knowing that he was on the sick and couldn't, so it was me paying it. In the end I said no and he changed his number. She then continued contacting his family asking them to ask him to ring her. No way.

One time we were at his auntie's and she was txting his ex and relaying it to us. Great.

I was under the illusion they had never tried for a baby but when I was pregnant I found out they had but she was secretly on the pill at the time. When I was 9 months pregnant (2 years after they had finished), an invitation came to DPs mum's house for him and his ex to go to a party. I got quite emotional at the time and his mum knew it. Then last week, his mum told me that she'd seen his ex's mum and she'd been asking about the baby. Our baby is our absolute pride and joy. Why did his mum have to tell me? And I do not want his ex or her family knowing anything about our baby. Also, how does her mum know we've even had a baby? Unless his ex told her because she cares enough to talk about it!!??

His mates are mostly friends with his ex so I've not been introduced to many of them but they'll all be at our baby's christening next week.

Also, when I asked why he's never been on a lads holiday despite wanting to go on one, he said because he's 'never been allowed'. By her. Well why would she have that much of a hold if they wern't very serious as he claims.

So I just feel like she's this constant presence IYKWIM.

We've been together 14 months, and have a 1 month old baby.. and I became VERY insecure whilst pregnant and it's just carried on a bit. I'll hopefully be over it soon.

If people stop bringing her up.

We're getting married next year and she knows it. So I reckon she'll be in touch with his family again soon.

What does everyone make of it? Am I being stupid and still a bit hormonal and insecure (I've put on a LOT of weight while pregnant). Or is she unreasonable and still has feelings for him or what? I KNOW he doesn't have feelings for her. But it just all makes me a little possessive and I'd rather his family didn't contact her since they say they hate her so much.

you need to put this behind you...it would only be a problem if you suspected he still had feelings for her. Be uber-dignified, grit your teeth and change the subject if she's ever mentioned. She sounds like a twat so don't let her spoil this time for you- enjoy the baby and your family...they're yours and nobody can ever take that away from you.

I think 6 years is a long time to be part of someones life, she knows he's moved on but is finding it hard maybe?

My dp used to talk about his ex all the time when we first got together even called me her name in bed! They were each others first love and even though they had been split up for about 2 yrs they were still really friendly. He used to tell her things we'd argued about and she'd come round and try and tell me how to deal with it etc in the end I said enough is enough I don't want to hear about her or see her etc eventually they stopped calling each other.

We went to counselling in the end, not jsut because of this but partly, I was jelous, I was insecure I'd been abused ina previous relationship etc dp learnt that him bringing his ex up wasn't helping us and he did want to make it work with me.

We've been together 6 and a half years now, we had dd2 nearly 3 years ago and we're getting married next year, I'd say the first 2 years of our relationship were the hardest because we both had to learn to let go of our past.

Rise above it, ignore it. Brush off any reference to her by your dp's family as casually and confidently as you can.

I'm guessing that you're feeling insecure as he and his ex were "together" for quite a while even if it was off and on again.

However, look at what you guys have achieved in the 14 months you have been together. A beautiful baby an engagement and a wedding in the offing.

Much more stable and comitted than he and the ex ever were.

So you're doing something right and congratulations on your baby and your wedding.

Your hormones are still raging from pregnancy and the birth. You guys are getting used to being a family together.

If your DP is not giving any credence, thought or worry to how the ex is behaving then I'd say you have nothing to worry about in terms of his love and loyalty.

Don't allow what is obviously a pretty screwed up woman to spoil your happiness.

At least your DP's family aren't keeping secrets or covering up any contact (however remote ie: her mum/his mum) which means they're not covering anything up and that they're confident she cannot come between you.

Don't badmouth her should she come up in conversation just dismiss her as the triviality that she is.

Paddle chick put it much better than I did.

I used to think dp used to love her more than he loved me because he got engaged to her, I was hurt that he didn't want to get engaged to me but he said their engagement didn't mean anything he was young etc he didn't live with her or have a child with her and we are engaged now and are planning the wedding, they were never actually going to be married.

It sounds as though his ex is being overnosy, but 6 years is a long time in a relationship and she will have built up a relationship with his family. With that long a relationship they could have been married in which case things would be more complex. She doesn't sound as though she is being too stalkery. To be honest if I had a joint loan with a bloke and he then defaulted on his payments expecting me to pay it all because he was sick or whatever I wouldn't be impressed. He should be able to pay something towards the loan from his sick pay surely? It does sound as though he treated her a bit shoddily, if I was his ex I'd consider legal action against him because of the loan. If the loan was for a piece of furniture and she has the furniture then expecting him to pay is unreasonable though.
If you live with someone it's like a marriage, you can't expect her to just vanish, but at least with them not having kids together you won't be stuck with her for the next 18 years.
Stop being afraid of this woman, so what if she talks about your baby, my husband's ex wife used to talk about us alot. My husband didn't talk about his ex alot though, that was more important to me. Your partner sounds as though he loves you, just ignore his ex, whilst accepting that she was a big part of his past.

Try and rise above it and just ignore it but if they had a loan together and he's not paying it anymore could she be trying to get a hold of him regardin that?

No, the loan was for her car. She has the car. He was just being nice helping out. The loan was even fully in her name. That's what annoyed me most, she just expected him to pay it because he used to when they were together!!

I think 6 years is a long time to be in someone's life and it is unreasonable of you to expect them to have no contact. Can't they be friends? Could you all meet up for a drink? Just because she wants to stay in touch with him it doesn't mean she has feelings for him, or vice versa.

If they were together for that long then she will have got to know his family well and it is unreasonable to demand that she has no contact with people she regards as friends.
Try to befriend her if you can: it's the easiest way to transform someone into not-a-threat.

TBH, xP and I broke up but I still have numbers for 5 of his family members and see 3 of them quite regularly. It's nothing to do with my ex! I just wouldn't dump their friendships/acquaintance because he and I are over.

He hasn't got a new partner, neither have I but when this does happen, I still wouldn't see it as good reason to drop contact with them socially.

I think him paying for her car is completely different to the joint loan you originally talked about. Not surprised he stopped paying when they split up.
I don't think the lets all be friends thing is appropriate with exes, especially ones you have no children with. Moving on is best, hopefully she'll do that soon.

My DH was with his ex for 5 years. They've got a daughter together and they'd split up about 8 months before we got together. She was very in your face when we first got together. Was always phoning and coming round under the pretence it was for him to see his dd (he had regular contact twice a week) or to talk about their dd, or something he did to her when they wer together. She cheated on him the whole time they were together, but she still wanted him. She caused us no end of heart ache in the first few years of our relationship.

He always told me he didn't have feelings for her anymore and that he loved me. It was hard to believe at first especially because she was so in your face. But eventually she got bored (after about 3 years ). We've been together 13 years now, married for 9 and have to dds. His first dd (DSD) now lives with us and has no contact with her psycho mum.

If he isn't giving you any reason to doubt him and it's all coming from her, then try and rise above it. Hard I know especially when you feel crap after putting weight on with the baby. But try and hopefully she will get bored eventually.