How do you know if/ when to leave?

[ThatNewReader]

I’m hoping to get some advice or generally some perspective. I’m sorry in advance for such a long post!

I’ve not spoken to anyone about how I feel and feel like I’m going slightly mad with it going around and around in my head. I’ve been with my husband for 17 years and we have 3 children together. If I’m honest I’ve never really loved him or been very happy with him. We met when I was young and had particularly low self esteem. There was clear red flags- he was quite controlling and very moody. But I was so desperate to be loved and to have a family.

His behaviour over the years has improved and he’s no longer so controlling. There is a lot of good things about him- he loves his family and is hard working and financial supports us. We don’t argue and at times we enjoy each others company- mainly when we’re watching something on TV when there is a distraction. However he is very negative and critical and I often feel like I’m treated like one of the children- nagged and put down. We’re different in that I’m laid back and dont let things bother me. He gets very stressed about the noise/ chaos of family life (which I love) but this stresses me out. I often feel like I’m walking on eggshells. He’s quite critical of the children- especially my teenager- which I find uncomfortable. I tend to try and avoid spending time with him and do a lot on my own with the children. I feel lighter and more relaxed when I’m not with him.

I feel increasingly more unhappy and feel so guilty and aware that I’m cold towards him and irritable. I’m not at all like this with my children so he must see the difference and it must really hurt him. I find it so hard to talk to him about how I’m feeling as I am frightened of confrontation. I’m also so scared of hurting him- although his behaviour would seem to indicate he isn’t happy he loves us and would be devastated if we separated.

It feels like a selfish thing to do- to end our relationship and the disruption it would bring just because I’m unhappy. We separated about 5 years ago and initially I was happy and relieved. However I’m really ashamed to say that when I found out he was seeing someone I found this so difficult. I was really jealous and upset so we ended up getting back together. This took me completely by surprise as I imagined I’d be happy to see him move on. I suppose im scared of leaving and regretting it. But I’ve felt this way for such a long time and I know I don’t love him.

Is it possible to stay together for children and not end up hating each other?

we both work full time in quite high pressure jobs. He earns much more than me but I earn enough to be able to provide for the children. I dream of having my own space but aware that in reality life as a single parent is not going to be easy.

You’ve been ground down by his abuses of you and in turn your dc. He has got you over the years where he wants you and you don’t argue because of that. You have no voice and he still wields the vast amount of power and control in this marriage. He remains both critical and moody and now he’s further stated on your teenager. Moodiness by the way is an example of emotional abuse. He targeted you when you were younger deliberately because he sensed your low self worth and capitalised on that big time to the point where you are now. Jealousy is also linked with low self esteem. He does not deserve you in his life but you have to believe that for your own self.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. You surely would not want them to have such a marriage and it’s frankly not good enough for you either. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.
The statement staying for the sake of the children often does not stand up to scrutiny. Whose sake would you be staying for really because it certainly is not theirs, more like your own because it’s somehow “easier” when infact it is not. Do not further do your bit here to show your kids such damaging lessons about relationships.

You’ve separated from him before and you can do it again and this time hopefully permanently. Walking on eggshells is to my mind akin to living in fear and that’s no life for you. Also your dc pick up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken between you two.

He is not going to make the process of you leaving him at all nice because he remains abusive but the freedom you will feel wil be worth it for you and your children. Use Women’s Aid and a solicitor to get you out of this cage he has put you in. Going forward enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and seek therapy to address your low self esteem.

Look up covert narcsism it will all make sense xx