Everything not good enough..

[TheBigBaldBoy]

I work long hours. It pays pretty well and we've become accustomed to this kind of income. Unfortunately it means im not home until the evenings. This means shes at home with the kids a lot more than me. She overwhelmed a lot of the time as both our kids are quite a handful.

When im home I try my best. I get the little one to sleep. Sometimes as soon as im home from work. I also do dinners for us every night.

Im often moaned at for not running around after all this to clean the kids mess. I understand she is stressed.

She works every other weekend so on them days the kids are solely my responsibility.

When she gets home the criticism begins. Ive hung the washing up but its wrong and wont dry properly. Ive put the next load in but its too much or its the wrong colours. Ive done dinner but made some mess in the kitchen.

Recently shes saying she thinks she wants to separate and live alone with the kids..

Im not saying im perfect. Im saying I try. The lack of appreciation then puts me in a bad mood and she wonders why. We cant have conversations about anything because shes a bigger victim being home more with the kids. She's a great mum. Sje isn't perfect though when it comes to domestic chores just like im not. I wouldn't dare criticise though.

There are more examples but that's the gist. Nothing is good enough.

I’m assuming “she” is your wife/partner?

When she tells you that the washing will not dry or is not the right mix etc, what do you do differently next time?
when is she sitting down to relax at the end of the day?
what you have said suggests to me a classic default parent/ household manager.

Relationship counselling. Neither of you feel heard/seen.

if she’s criticising what you do, then tell her in future you’ll do nothing and she can do it herself, then it will be done to her liking!

When it becomes a competition as to who is doing the most, it means resentment has built up on both sides and communication has broken down. Would your partner be open to relationship counselling?

If she is adamant that she wants to end the relationship then you need to get some legal advice and start thinking about how you will share custody and provide for the children so that you can both minimise the disruption and distress that separation can cause them.

That’s not a sensible, adult response. They need to learn to communicate and work as a team

How is that going to help?

You need to sit down and have a proper conversation. Not about the chores but about the entire setup. This conversation needs to have some rules and, yes, possibly a mediator of some sort.
You need to talk about your income, shared childcare, mental load. Whether you need to reconsider childcare arrangements altogether. Your expectations ,her expectations. Where either of you are prepared to compromise. Your feelings, her feelings...the lot. Because what is at the core of your argument is not the laundry or the mess in the kitchen. I only had one argument with my ex partner in four years of us being together and it was about recycling. The thing is ..it was never about recycling for either of us.

Well @TheBigBaldBoy , the two of you are a unit, if either of you is unhappy with load, expectations and the criticisms that follow, a nice open, and honest conversation is in order. Something needs to change. I do not think it's as simple as "well, take on more at home", as a lot of people would just suggest.. Both of you need to lay it out on the table.. What each of you are struggling with, and what each of you could do to address the problems that are causing frustration and pressure. The outcome needs to be something you can both be happy with, a plan you can both get on board with... It doesn't need to be mind-blowingly fundamental changes, it will depend on you two to work it out. Well, that, or straight go to a mediator - counselling. Either way, that's the solution. To make the setup work for both of you - currently, it's clear it isn't working for you guys.

There just comes a point I think when “trying” doesn’t cut it. You need to be actually doing things well enough that the household functions well enough.

This means without being reminded, without your efforts being disruptive or detrimental to other things, without cutting across other things or causing extra work due to poor workmanship and without expecting a medal.

Think of it in the context of your job- would after several years’ experience, you expect “trying” to do the job to be enough or would you expect that you’d need to actually do the job to a satisfactory standard?

Because being a parent, running a household, being a partner all have satisfactory standards just like jobs do.

Good intentions and a bit of effort aren’t enough. You need determination to get what’s needed done, done well and regularly.

Sounds like a difficult situation. You’re both stressed - you work all day, she looks after kids. If you can afford it, couples counselling is probably a good idea.
How old are the children and how many?

The things she’s complaining about - washing hung up wrong, mixing colours in machine etc just add extra work for her once you’re at your day job. She has to rewash washing that has dried smelly and try to fix the problem of the red sock in the whites etc. If she’s explained how it’s done effectively and you’re still getting it wrong it’s weaponised incompetence knowing she’ll do it right or stop asking you.

Raising kids and keeping home is a full time job that doesn’t end at 5pm and its
exhausting, having a third child who
does bare minimum and thinks they’re contributing especially when making it worse, it makes sense she thinks she’s better off alone.

You need to communicate with her like an adult. Her feelings haven’t just appeared it’s years of resentment and her trying to get you to take part, join in and contribute effectively.

A question someone asked my lazy entitled brother that changed his outlook was, ‘At what point did you think your bringing home the bacon wasn’t contributing enough?’

The things she’s complaining about - washing hung up wrong, mixing colours in machine etc just add extra work for her once you’re at your day job. She has to rewash washing that has dried smelly and try to fix the problem of the red sock in the whites etc. If she’s explained how it’s done effectively and you’re still getting it wrong it’s weaponised incompetence knowing she’ll do it right or stop asking you.

Have to agree - and leaving a mess in the kitchen after cooking that presumably she ends up clearing up. Do the jobs right. Clean as you go when cooking.

Presumably you don't do half a task at work and expect praise for it?

My ex always used to put the washing on the airer without straightening it and on top of other clothes, and it would end up smelling as it wouldn’t dry and would need re-washing. He also used to start on the outside instead of using the inner bars first. Obviously wasn’t why we split, but I ended up doing all the washing as i’d only have to re-do it. I did tell him of course it wouldn’t dry, but he still did it that way.

So put the right amount or right colours in the machine or learn to hang the properly and do it right each time. You manage to do well in a well paid job you’re clearly not daft. But doing a half arsed job and then bleating “but at least I try” is tedious.

In my experience SAHM with small children and no financial independence don’t get to a point of wanting to leave for no reason.

In your OP, there are many telltale signs of the deeply held beliefs and attitudes you have that are going to make you a divorced man.

You start by talking up your financial contribution: "It pays pretty well", "this kind of income". That means you deep down think your financial contribution is paramount, and that it buys you leisure time that your wife pays for with her labour, energy, and time.

That's not a partnership: that's you putting yourself at the top of a domestic hierarchy, where you are the boss and she is your servant.

"When im home I try my best. I get the little one to sleep. Sometimes as soon as im home from work."

Here you signal again that you think you DESERVE leisure time. You resent having to immediately pitch in.

"[After putting the youngest to sleep and cooking], Im often moaned at for not running around after all this to clean the kids mess. I understand she is stressed."

I don't think you understand at all how stressed your wife is. It's likely not just the physical tasks that are wearing her down. Given your work hours and the way you talk, I am certain that you do NONE of the mental and emotional labour for the family. This is an enormous exhausting burden that is invisible to you, yet it is the core effort that keeps the ship sailing in the right direction. Look it up: "mental labour".

Being moaned at: you should be working with your wife until ALL the domestic duties are done for the day and you can then both collapse on the sofa. This is what my H did when we were in the trenches with small children: he would come home and immediately take over the kids while I got in some exercise. He or I would then cook, and then we'd eat and we'd both clean up and get everything ready for the next day, and then we'd both fall exhaustedly on the sofa and talk or watch some TV. He NEVER sat down on coming home and expected me to keep running around just because he'd had a long day. He wouldn't have dreamed of it. But if he'd had such notions, I would have thrown him out, because I'm not his servant and he is not my boss and I expect him to helm the family ship with me.

"She works every other weekend so on them days the kids are solely my responsibility."

And? Sounds like there is hidden resentment there too. "Poor me, I never get a break". Instead of seeing these times when you have the children as an opportunity to enjoy them and make up for you barely seeing them during the week.

"When she gets home the criticism begins. Ive hung the washing up but its wrong and wont dry properly. Ive put the next load in but its too much or its the wrong colours. Ive done dinner but made some mess in the kitchen."

This is weaponised incompetence. That is when someone deliberately does a task so badly that someone else takes it over and keeps doing it for them. Do you do such a shitty job at work, and not listen to your colleagues telling you how NOT to do a shitty job? NOPE. Yet you do this at home. That signals a fundamental disrespect for your wife.

That disrespect will get you divorced.

"Im not saying im perfect. Im saying I try."

You're not trying hard enough, and basically it's because you think you're better than your wife (because you bring in money) and therefore you are entitled to your wife's labour, energy, and time.

"The lack of appreciation then puts me in a bad mood"

What, do you think she should give you a medal for working with her to raise the children YOU agreed to bring into the world?

Your sense of entitlement and self-importance will get you divorced.

Also, you being in a bad mood is you trying to bully her into accepting the bare minimum from you. You ADD to your wife's burden because she has to manage your moodiness as well as the million other things she has to do and think about.

"We cant have conversations about anything because shes a bigger victim being home more with the kids."

She is the one who has the sharp end of the stick in this deal. Working, including working long hours, is easy compared to the day-in day-out exhausting slog of being the one at home with the children.

"Sje isn't perfect though when it comes to domestic chores just like im not."

If she's not good at something, then do her a favour and take that task over for her.

"I wouldn't dare criticise though."

You're point-scoring in your head. How infantile. No wonder she's dreaming of divorce.

You should see a therapist to work on your self-entitlement, your view that you are more important that your wife, your inability to empathise with your wife, your desire to see yourself as the victim, your need for praise for doing normal domestic tasks, and your use of moodiness to extract what you want from your wife.

Otherwise, you will become a divorced man.