How do you parent adult children in these situations?

[Curtainy4]

Full disclosure I’m the adult child here but would be interested to know how you parent in these situations or how do your parents do it?

If adult children don’t always get on, especially if there’s one who is ‘hard work’ (nasty comments, looks down on the rest financially etc openly in front of everyone including parents) can be hurtful with their words and judgmental to rest of siblings.

sibling has been cruel to me many times and I’ve had to take a step back but has had me in tears and my sister also.

what’s a normal response from parents? Is it unreasonable to expect them to side with me in some way or even emotionally support: console? Or is it normal for them to say they aren’t getting involved, we’re all adults so have to sort it out ourselves, they’re not getting caught in the middle

im genuinely trying to get oponions on this. My own children are only toddlers so I don’t know how I would manage this when they’re older but I feel let down by my parents at times whenever sibling has been cruel or unkind (either in or out of their ear shot) and they tell me not to involve them. I get it’s my sibling but if it was someone else I’m sure they would support me

Perhaps your parents are aiming to encourage you to "supoort" or stick up for, yourself?

I do stick up for myself and now we don’t have much of a relationship because of it. My sibling and I that is

Why do you need your parents to “stick up for you” can’t you just tell your brother you think he’s being a prick?
are you all still quite young with the being in tears? Why are you still spending time with him?

Personally, I would intervene if I heard one of my children being cruel or unkind to their sibling, adult or not. It's very difficult for parents when their adult children don't get on but if one sibling is consistently nasty to another, I think the parent has a responsibility to pull them up on it.

That's good.....that you do stick up for yourself with your sibling

I think what you're wanting is for your parents to take your side because your sibling is the bad person and you're being bullied

I'm guessing that your parents love you all , can see that you're dealing with the situation and don't want to be seen to take sides because they love you all

I have twins who are young adults.

to be honest, I spent a lot of time as a parent sorting out their squabbles and managing their relationship with each other as well as their joint relationships with the rest of the family.

after 25 years of it I am a little fed up of mediating in their squabbles, and honestly even at this age they really are still pointless squabbles about petty shit.

if you really can’t stand your sibling don’t spend time with them.

My parents would stay well out unless one of us was being completely unreasonable and rude.

Is there any "truth" to what your brother is saying? If he's saying properly horrible stuff without any backing, eg calling names or being nasty, that's different to calling you out for making stupid life choices.

Parenting adults begins at a much younger age than people think.

During their school years, and especially in the teen years, I often went with the line of “you can behave badly and I will ALWAYS love you and be here for you, but as a solo parent, I am the ONLY person on this earth that has unconditional love for you; everyone else can just walk away if you treat them badly, friends, family, everyone.

You do not want to be the only kid in the playground without friends because you’ve treated them badly, you do not want to be the person at uni that no one wants to live with because you have a lack of hygiene/don’t clean up after yourself, you do not want to spend Christmases alone because no one likes your company, so you may think I am being tough on you now, but I am teaching you life skills so you will have friends and flatmates and partners in your life who will love you as much as I do because you will treat others decently and be worthy of that love.”

That kind of parenting gets drummed in early and throughout their lives, so by the time my kids were adults, all they needed was the occasional “don’t be a dick” to snap them back into line.

I fear that ship has sailed for your parents, they needed to teach your sibling at a younger age that people simply won’t want to be around them if they’re an arsehole. You now have to vote with your feet and just avoid your sibling if they wind you up that much.

So in short, should your parents step in? Well yes, but they should have 20 years ago and then been consistent with their parenting, but they didn’t, so you can’t expect that they will do now, they’re clearly not those sort of parents.

You're an adult now though, so decide on your boundaries and stick to them and if that’s going low or no contact with your sibling, so be it.

The problem is that everyone has different perspectives, two sides to every story and so on.

I don't get on with one of my siblings. As far as I am concerned they have done things which are unforgivable and I am low contact. It only came to a head when I bit back and refused to accept them shout and swear at me, in my home. As far as I am concerned, I am low contact rather than no contact as I will always be polite and tolerate her presence for the sake of our parents.

I have no doubt my sibling would spin it that our parents 'choose' me and treat her badly. That is her perspective and her right to feel that way I suppose. I could argue on why thats not the case, but at the end of the day its pointless. We arent toddlers needing our behaviour corrected, and for my part at least, I can live a forefilled, happy life, without my sibling in it. I don't need to have my relationships dictated by anyone, let alone my parents. I can respect that my parents want a relationship with all of their children and for as long as they are around I will respect that. I work with people I don't much like too and manage to be professional/civil there too without my boss stepping in....I see it as the same process.

I think it’s totally reasonable for them to stay out of it. And I say that as someone who has a terrible relationship with my sibling.

I’ve found myself in a similar situation to you OP, and found it heartbreaking when my parents have turned away and pretended not to see / hear my sibling’s hurtful behaviour.

It’s something I really struggle with, and have sworn to myself that when my children are older I will not do the same.

But I haven’t quite worked out what that looks like yet.

Sorry this is long:
My parents just say 'oh, I wish you two would just get on,' or 'all we want for Christmas is for you two to be friends again...,'
But it's hard to get on with someone who is a narcissistic, dominating, psycho.
The worst is how they can't help but talk about said sibling, like I could be talking about something completely random, like cheese. Guaranteed within a minute I'd be hearing all about how sibling bought them some cheese and it was amazing.

I'd be happy if they just said nothing and let us just get on with it, seeing as they have no interest in getting to know fully about what happened. But no. My mum even called me by siblings name when she rang me last month. I'm not sure if it's them claiming siblings side, them trying to bring us back together by always talking about sibling or they only associate me with the rift between us... No clue but it doesn't hurt me anymore.

With mine, they're allowed to fall out. I'll listen to them 100% and tell them I understand, while maybe offering my take on it. At one point when they were young teens, I was sure they'd both go their separate ways and never speak again. But as older teens, they're super close and look after eachother. Giving them space to vent and respecting when they wanted space after their fight, showing neither of them that I favoured one more than the other... I think it worked. My parents never gave me the time of day to get anything off my chest. They always let sibling get away with sneaky, manipulative stuff, as 'they don't mean it.'

Parents should always make time to listen imo. They can acknowledge that their child is hurt by another. It's not about taking sides. Just acknowledging it is enough. I do resent my parents massively deep down but I've got over it enough to know they'll never change and I wouldn't want to grey rock them because I know I'd regret it when they die. I just think of it as it's just who they are and they aren't emotionally equipped to deal with anything any other way than they do.

Yeah I think it’s best adult children sort it out between themselves tbh. If you no longer talk and can’t resolve issues like adults then there really is no point to the relationship.

How are you feeling @Curtainy4?

i have adult children who don’t always get on (and are both certain the other is wrong)
I have rarely got involved, I love them both equally and I am not willing to be their negotiator. They are adults they can choose to be in touch/ involved in each others lives or not.
When they were children/ young adults I encouraged them to resolve things between themselves and would discipline if necessary. I have also talked to each of them in the past about empathy and compassion.
its not your parents job to rescue you and gang up on your sister. You and your sister are adults you need to figure out what your relationship looks like yourselves. If she is unwilling to do thus then you need to choose what your relationship with her looks like.

Why are you still spending time with them? You don’t have to have any contact with them just because they’re a sibling - I would focus on what you as an adult can do to take control over relationships in your life instead of focusing on what your parents should or shouldn’t be doing.

There's a difference between not getting involved when behaviour is reasonable but siblings don't get on, vs. turning a blind eye to one sibling's unreasonable behaviour, vs. parents actively favouring a badly-behaved sibling.

The root cause of sibling discord can be personality, or situation, or family dysfunction.

@Curtainy4 I would suggest getting non-family support (qualified therapist) to help you see the whole picture, including your own behaviour/responses.

I have adult DDs and if one of them was really nasty to the other (beyond normal sibling banter) then I would intervene. I wouldn’t stand there and listen to that … assuming this takes place in front of your parents OP?

I said to one DC in their late teens that if at any point they felt the need to go NC with their sibling I would understand and not make life harder for them as a result. There’s a turbulent history for which as parent to both I have to accept some responsibility. The thought of them not having a relationship as adults or all of us not doing things as a family breaks my hard but I’m the parent in the situation so it’s my job to support the DC come what may.

As a parent of young adult children, I wouldn’t intervene in their disagreements now. I’ve never expected my parents to “take my side” in similar circumstances (and indeed on some occasions they actively did not take my side/support me). Parents love all of their children even if one of them is objectively disagreeable. Liking is different to loving.

I don't expect my parents to get involved at all. I'm an adult and can decide where I put my energy, effort and time and it's up to me to manage my relationships. If that means low/no contact with my siblings so be it.

If nasty/ belittling comments were made from one of my adult children to another in my presence l would intervene but if not l would let them sort out things between them. If it's on going and causes upset then whoever is bring bullied has every right to go low or no contact with their sibling. As adults they should be able to manage the relationship between themselves.

Intervening in adult children's relationships is very high risk and can end up alienating them both. I suspect that in the vast majority of cases it's wise for parents not to get involved.

My sister in law (married to brothers) behaved very badly in front of the rest of the family towards me (many years ago now). I found it incredibly hurtful that my other in laws didn’t intervene or say anything, felt like they were condoning her behaviour and I was in part to blame. I truly wasn’t. I moved on as she has lots of positives
about her too but I have never forgotten. I think parents should call their children out as adults, especially if they witness the poor behaviour.

It's a hard position as a parent. You try to have a relationship with both siblings and don't really want to get caught in the middle. I would call out unkindness in the moment though. One of mine is going through a difficult stage at the moment where they are uncharacteristically judgemental to all siblings, parents and grandparents. It's getting to where no-one looks forward to seeing them. I'm going to ask if their marriage is okay, because they are obviously going through something.