Partner possibly having affair with ex?

[Amanda424242]

Could do with some advice. Been with partner for 6 years we live together I'm 53, he is 51. I have adult children and so does he (his girls are 22 and 19). We have had a great life, however it all started when he was scrolling facebook and in his glasses I saw some big chested ladies. We both have each others passwords for phones etc, so I logged into his facebook hit search bar and lots of women were in search bar (hundreds), went into his video history and saw he was watching hundreds of pretty women. I confronted him he said he'd stop. A few weeks later something didn't sit right so I logged on again and he was also on looking at the same things and then deleting them, so I blew up. I said he could look at them but don't wipe them as I want transparency (been cheated on twice).

We went to Amsterdam last week and he was drunk and stoned and as we were sat at a table in a bar a hot woman walked in and he wolf whistled her under his breath, looked at me, two seconds later wolf whistled me. He doesn't remember this.

So this week as something still isn't sitting right I logged into his phone provider to see the history of calls he makes and I've found out that he has been communicating with his ex parter of 21 years nearly every week day (never on a weekend when I'm not at work), sometimes for 30 minutes a day. He is wiping the calls on his phone as I never see her name. Between me, his ex and his kids, he calls his ex the most by far. He even called her once on a Saturday when I went to the gym, waited until I'd gone took the phone outside sat in his car (obviously so he could see if I'd come back). I haven't looked at calls received, but obviously she will be calling him too. Also in his recent locations I checked a few dates and he has been going round to their house (when their kids are at work, she works from home) in the afternoon sometimes for hours at a time.

When we got together I told him that I would meet his ex and kids and introduce myself to see if they had any questions and hope that everything went smoothly as even though I've been cheated on I still am amicable to my ex's for the sake of my kids. I've only met his kids a handful of times in 6 years and they have only recently been to our house once.

I obviously still love him, but where do I go from here. I haven't confronted him about his ex yet, but I know that is not only a breach of trust, secrecy and possible emotional affair maybe even a physical one. I don't know what to do, any advice for me please.

With kindness, you don’t have to “obviously” love him, it sounds like you love the idea of him BUT the reality is definitely not what you thought it was.

Hard to say from the information you’ve given. On the one hand, I can imagine a scenario in which your partner occasionally wants to watch porn and who maintains a cordial but platonic relationship with his ex wife.

However, the fact that you’ve explicitly told him you weren’t happy about him looking at porn/pictures of women online and he’s continued to do it while lying about it would make me feel very uncomfortable. Did you make it clear when you got together that this was a clear boundary for you? Have you had any discussions about your sex life and any potential dissatisfaction?

I would also be deeply upset by my partner concealing that he was seeing his ex and spending time with her regularly when I was out.

I think you need to sit down and have a really honest talk with your partner rather than going through his phone and keeping tabs on him. If you are feeling anxious enough that you’ve gone into his devices multiple times then things are clearly not in a good way.

Decide what you want to get out of that conversation and what your boundaries are before going in. Ask yourself what you’ll do if he says that there is an innocent explanation for all of it but that he lies about it because of how anxious/jealous you feel about it. Ask yourself what you’ll do if he admits to cheating. Run through the different eventualities so that you can stay true to yourself in the moment.

I already asked for transparency when he was looking at women on FB, I said I'd rather know the truth and it hurt than be lied to and find out later down the line. Truth is very important to me and he knows this. When I've asked about his ex before he said he rarely speaks to her, sometimes he may see her when he picks his adult kids up. But to see that he calls her multiple times a day and goes to their old house sounds like something more.

A few years ago we were out and we passed by a bar where she was sat outside with friends. He was holding my hand and as soon as he saw her he dropped my hand. It's things like that which are making me question does he still have feelings for her. I mean why would he be calling her multiple times a day in secret and wiping his phone. He doesn't even call his kids or me the amount of times he calls her.

Perving on other women and then, when challenged about it, continuing to do it and lying about it, shows a total disrespect for you.

Actually whistling at another woman while you were sat there is absolutely just rubbing your face in the fact he finds other women atteactive.

Given how little he obviously values you possibly he is having an affair. But really if you trust him so little that you have to keep checking up on what he is doing it sounds like an unhappy relationship that brings yoh nothing but doubt and insecurity anyway. What is the point in staying in the relationship?

Why you say you love this manuis a total mystery to me OP. He certainly doesn't sound worthy of love.

In that case you’re completely within your rights to feel suspicious and betrayed. It’s a horrible situation to be in. What’s clear from what you’ve said is that this isn’t a relationship that’s making you happy. As much as it might cause you pain to end it, perhaps it’s worth considering. If he isn’t able to be truthful and honest with you, a person he is in a relationship with and loves, then I don’t think this is likely to change. I’m sorry you’re going through this - betrayal from your partner is so hard.