Should I just stop trying to make friends?

[Sleightofhandtwistoffate]

Hi All - grateful for any advice! My DD has been at primary school for a couple of years. We moved to the area when she was in nursery - I didn’t know anyone locally when we moved here. I got to know some of the mums at school pick up and am now in a WhatsApp group with about 10 mums. I go on a handful of nights out with the mums over the year and, if anyone posts a general invite in the group (e.g. meeting up for a picnic), I make the effort to attend. I have also taken responsibility for organising some of the nights out over the last couple of years.

However, I feel like I am on the periphery of the group and can’t seem to make meaningful friendships. The other mums seem to have at least one or two in the group that they are really close with and they meet up in smaller groups without me. This is clear when we meet up in a larger group and they talk about things they have done together over the half term etc.

I have invited other mums on play dates as much as I can (I work full time) and they always seem to go well, but they are rarely reciprocated. My daughter seems to be popular at school, is happy/sociable and gets invited to lots of parties. It just seems to be me that can’t get past the acquaintance stage! I suspect I am autistic, but I mask really well (have had a successful career in a high-pressured, client facing industry) and I always make sure I ask lots of questions etc to try to get to know others.

I just want one or two close friends that I can spend time with and have a meaningful friendship. I feel exhausted constantly trying to achieve this and don’t know what else I can do to develop the relationships. Should I just give up and accept that I can only ever be on the periphery of the group?

They’re just not your people op. Why not take the focus off the school mums and look to hobbies to make friends. More likely to meet kindred spirits that way rather than a random bunch of peoples mums.

I think that these people are perhaps just not your tribe. Nothing wrong with you, nothing wrong with them - you just don't quite match. You may not have much in common, other than all of you having children the same age. Are there other areas of your life where you can look for more meaningful connections - work friends, hobbies, etc.?

I'd give it time. It takes a long time to make deep friendships, especially as a ln adult when you don't see friends as much as at school , uni or when you are young and out a lot. My son in in yr 3 and only now am I really making friendships with the other mums. I'd also look for other groups to go with and not limit yourself to school mums.

finally , don't be afraid of just having acquaintances and make the most of this. Eventually they can turn in to friends.

It might just not be the place for you to make deeper friendships. You are already in a group, go on nights out and other meet ups with them, that’s pretty good going if you’ve only been in the area for a couple of years. They might just not be interested in a deeper relationship, the ones who are closer to a few may have known them for longer.

Echoing what others have said, they're just not your people. I have zero friends from my DS's year group. However I've made lifelong friends from Dd's. In life, you just click with some people and not others.

Keep putting yourself out there in new situations. At the same time I agree, these mums are unlikely to end up your best friends, but its still worth making an effort with them as it's good to have acquaintances anyway.

And keep going to new events/situations so that one day you will meet one or 2 people you really "click" with. I'm also ASD and when moving to a new country found it really hard to make new friends, but this strategy worked! (I only have 1 best mate here and a couple of ish friends but it feel like enough for me 😅) but it took a consistent effort of going to new "meetup" events for a while before it worked (nightmare I know).

You'll know when you meet a "best" friend pretty early on because the conversation will feel very relaxed and you'll feel able to just totally be yourself - if you don't feel that way, keep them as an "acquaintance" - which is also important to have, but don't try to force an acquaintance into the best friend role or you'll just feel rubbish about yourself

It's not about you, it's just about finding someone with "chemistry" that matches yours. Most of my best friends over the years have been ND coz we just "get" each other!

Don't feel bad @Sleightofhandtwistoffate you are probably not doing anything wrong.

If a friendship is based on your kids being friends then it is unlikely to last anyway. Primary friendships are fickle.

IMO if you want proper long term adult friendships, you are better off making friends through a hobby where you have interests in common, rather than just having kids of the same age.

I made quite a few mum friends when DD was at primary, but they disintegrated once DD went to secondary or have declined to very occasional catch ups. While the kids are friends or even still classmates playdates happen and the parents meet up too. But once the kids are older, if they don't get on anymore, or they go to different schools, or new best friends are made etc. it becomes much harder for the parents to get together.

What everyone else said. They’re just not your type of people and nor are you theirs. I’m socially confident and have never had any issues making and keeping friends, but one place I lived from DS’s babyhood through to when he was seven just wasn’t a good match for me socially — I never met anyone I liked particularly, or who liked me back beyond fairly superficial acquaintance, despite doing all the usual things, joining stuff, volunteering, inviting people to stuff, chatting at pick up. I did make friends via work at the same period, but zilch via school or in the village.

One question, OP, which you don’t address. Do you like any of these people and feel drawn to them as potential friends?

Thank you so much for all taking the time to respond. It’s really helpful to see other perspectives. I do think it might just be time to accept they are not my tribe. I can still continue attending group meet-ups, but not have that added pressure. It just makes me feel a bit lonely to see the others having their ‘best friends’ and doing things together, but I need to get over this.

I don’t really have any hobbies at the moment, but I agree that it would probably be better to meet someone with a shared interest. I have a bit more time now DD is getting older, so I can have a look for things to do.

To answer the question as to whether I really like any of them - there are two in particular that I feel I have things in common with and saw them as potential friends. One of them is definitely not keen on pursuing a friendship with me. The other is lovely, but she grew up locally and already seems to have lots of close friends. She does always make me feel welcome etc when we are in a group, so I will continue just plodding along with her to see if anything comes of it.

Hi op its not easy. I would def join hobbies. Met few nice mams through my daughters year my sons nobody. Its hit and miss isnt it. I still meet one ours are now 20 its nice. I found things drifted off when secondary school came.

I'm autistic and used to get really stressed out about making friends. I'm hopeless at small talk and feel awkward in most social situations. I think you need to find some hobbies that you can throw yourself into. I find you'll make friends more organically that way as you'll have a common interest. You'll also feel less like you're trying to force a round peg into a square hole and talking will feel much easier. I find I get quite passionate about certain interests and may well inadvertently bore some people so tend to stick to those I know enjoy similar things.

Same thing happened to me! I had a good group of friends from my son's primary school, we'd meet for coffee and have nights out regularly. I don't make good friends that easily and thought I'd found my forever people! It lasted even when the kids went to different secondary schools and moved on themselves. But we ended up drifting apart eventually when the kids left school. I did arrange a get-together one evening that everyone seemed reluctant to come to although we had a nice time when we did meet. Eventually the friend who started the chat group dismantled it, which made me feel quite sad.

Can I be your friend? I’m 37, mum of 3. I think I’m fun and kind but would really love a close friend.

Is it possible you’re trying too hard? Some of my best friendships have just come organically because I’ve not been focusing on or thinking about it.