Why do i feel like im hanging on to him for dear life! And should i have to????

[mrsmaddyd]

About 5 weeks back my husband did the old i love you but im not in love you thing.

Yes there was another woman involved but not a sexual relationship. She is not a problem at the moment but she did have a factor in messing up his head by being this perfect image at work.

Anyway, things are going well, really well. We are having fun, going out alot more toghether lots and lots of sex and cuddles (cuddles mainly come from me though)

BUT i have this deep rooted feeling that im just hanging on to him and when really i deserve to be loved unconditionally (sorry really bad spelling). I love him deeply but i dont feel loved back and i dont want him to hurt me again. Ive become stronger in the last few weeks, strong enough to know i can be on my own rather than be with someone that doesnt truly love me.

I have realised my faults and have changed them. I have not liked the person ive become over the past years and this really gave me a kick up the arse to change as i have not been happy either.

So do i keep on making a go of it and hope this feeling of trying passes, I just want the natural us back iyswim. xxx

Is he doing everything he can to love you the way YOU want?

I recognise the 'not liking the person you have become' over the years - i too was there pre my h affair.

I would heed caution though as to how far this relationship has devoloped with the ow - even with the evidence in his face my h swore blind it was not phyical (and to be honest i dont thing the sex is the worst thing that can happen - we can all 'perform')

He is now a reformed character and if i were to ask him what he thought of your situaion he would say (there has been sex without a doubt). That is not said to upset you but to help you understand that you may not be in possesion of all the facts - but he is.

All i can suggest is to sit him down and say you are now not getting what you want (his full unconditional love) - either he will try even harder and be able to reassure you that you are the one he wants or confess that he still feels unsure - in which case you have to decide if you can live like you are or if you would rather cut your losses.

Sorry that sounds harsh but you do need to feel comfortable in your relaionship - you are worth that at least.

Good luck

I think you sound well and trully on the right track.

You seem to have taken a mature attitude in not just blaming your husband ( or the woman at his work) and used the situation to reassess yourself.
Well done and good luck. You sound like a fab person.

I don't think anyone except a parent loves unconditionally. In a sexual relationship a part of your affection and love for the other person is finding them fanciable, the other part is enjoying being with them. If you stop fancying your partner because they put on 5 stones or push you away if you go to kiss them and if you don't like the way they behave any more there isn't much love left.

Lovely advise from all, thankyou.

I do believe my husband has not slept with this woman and if he has then its no longer going on. The emotional attachment is alot more threatening to me than a sexual one. Your right in sitting him down for another talk, but i wonder if its too soon yet as i still over analyse every little thing.

He still needs to build up trust in how i am with him, he has put up alot of walls. I took him and my marriage for granted and he felt un loved and under valued. And i know i am to blame for that. Also i have to try and trust he really want to be with me. It really is a two way fault that we are both working on.

But at the mo it feels like hard work and everything seems surreal as i way think too much i wonder if i should just try to relax more and what will be will be

The only person that will ever know the facts are them two so no one else can really say yes they have had sex. Its the future that matters now not the past.

MrsM - That is exactly how I felt a few months ago - that I was holding on to h by my fingertips and he was so unresponsive and unemotional I really didn't know what to do.

I am afraid, in the end, for the sake of my sanity, I have done the same. I feel I have shut down emotionally and I am just getting on with life, looking after the dc and myself.

He still hasn't emotionally come back to me (7 months after the affair) and I dont know now if we can ever make this work again but I feel alot more confident about going it alone if I have to. The advice from MN really helps and made me see that I was a strong woman who was more than able to cope alone.

All I can say is that this feeling will eventually go. I hope that your h is more able to show you the love you want soon, but in the meantime, just get on with life and let him see what a happy, confident person you can be x

Thank you sm and im sorry its not working for you. Are you still with your h?

I will relax a little and try not to think so much. Its his loss if he cant see what he has to loose which is me of course, his 3 lovely children and just the great life we can have toghther.

Yes, we are together. I want to give it a few months more before making a decision.
I honestly think that he thinks we will carry on like this indefinitely!

MrsMaddyd - I could have written your post!

My DH has had an emotional affair and I do think it was just that and didn't get physical but like you I over analyse everything and I can't help wondering if they did take if further. However like you the emotional betrayl is the worst thing and if he has had a physical relationship with her it's more the fact he his witholding it from than the actual doing the deed that would hurt.

I'm trying so had not to keep going over and over things, we have started counselling and he says he wants to make it work. Yet like you I feel as though it's me making all the effort and I don't feel loved at all at the moment.

Not really any advice - pah who am I to suggest anything! - but wanted to say keep your chin up and you're not the only one going through this xx Hopefully our DH wil wake up soon and see what pillocks they are being to jepordise their relationships with us....fingers crossed hey!

Sm Good Luck, have you talked to him yet about how your feeling?

MHIS im so sorry your going through this too, it really is the pits. But surprsingly common too. Im trying to think and be positive about the future as we will never really truley know what went on, and its the future that counts. I have changed my whole out look on life. Im busy knocking down his walls but i tell you now ive certainly put up a few of my own theese past few weeks. How long is it since you found out and is your H still working with the other woman?

I found out a month ago and yes he still works with her

Feel for you myhead, i stopped emotionally connecting a couple of years ago, for many reasons I realise only now. And my situation is not good now, but you might be able to save yours and get a really good thing together again. If you can talk to him again might help to get under the skin of things, sort out what you both want and how you can get it?- maybe relate can help if you go together?- but its not cheap! good luck if its him you want.

Feel for you myhead, i stopped emotionally connecting a couple of years ago, for many reasons I realise only now. And my situation is not good now, but you might be able to save yours and get a really good thing together again. If you can talk to him again might help to get under the skin of things, sort out what you both want and how you can get it?- maybe relate can help if you go together?- but its not cheap! good luck if its him you want.

sorry for double click there

thanks Girlshook up. We are going to counselling but at the moment he is only going cos I want him too. I don't think things will change drastically until he 'wants' to go - if he ever gets to that stage! Still he is going which counts for something.

You never know, being there in counselling might make him more aware of how he feels and what he needs to do,& tho he prob won't say it, the cogs may be turning. Its difficult to not engage in something like that because its so focussed. Really hope it works out for you, well it will whatever the outcome, you will have more certainty, which is usually easier to live with, best of luck, xx