AIBU? SAHM ADVICE

[fireflies9]

Hi all,

Im currently a sahm to my 6 month old. My husband had a go at me earlier because I asked him to pay for a £77 bill for baby supplies. I’m still on mat leave and get £680 per month after tax, I’m responsible for the groceries and babies supplies as well as anything I might want or need like my phone bill, nails, toiletries, clothes etc and gifts for peoples bdays, but this month I came up short and my account went into my overdraft so I asked him to cover the bill.

We both have separate accounts and separate savings. Our savings are very similar amounts but he has a lot more than me in his current account. He brings home about £60k after tax.

He usually gives me £200 a month but this month he couldn’t as he’s self employed and didn’t take as big of a salary so hence why I came up short.

He was arguing with me saying that he’s paid $$$$ this month for our holidays coming up and my new car (these will be monthly payments he’ll be paying for but hasn’t paid anything yet, I’m putting down the car deposit from my own savings) and that he ‘funds my life’ (bills + roof) so why can’t I be grateful and pay £77.

i understand where he’s coming from but I can’t keep paying for things out my savings otherwise I’ll have nothing left? Just to note, he never uses his savings for anything and we’ve said it’ll be my savings going on new house Reno. I’ve also asked him numerous times if he still wants me to be a sahm or should I go back to work and he’s adamant he wants me to be sahm unless I really want to go back (which I don’t).

Not sure if I’m being really ungrateful or if I need to set boundaries?

He Is being a massive dick. You are married, you have a child, you should be a team.

I’m also a SAHM. My husband takes home 28k after tax and transfers half to me. All the money is considered joint.

No way would I be a SAHM with your husband. You are putting yourself at huge risk, especially with him being self-employed. If you did divorce, he would be able to hide his earning very easily and so not pay child maintenance. You really need to go back to work.

And do not agree to pay for the new house renovation out of your savings!! You would be mad to do that. Pay for it jointly. But please also go back to work.

Tell him no worries, you will go back to work. What nights does he want to do? What nursery pick ups is he doing?

Aren’t you looking after his kid when he goes to work to earn that 60k? How does he plan to earn 60k if he’s responsible for his child that he made for 3.5 days a week. Would he like you to go back to work so you’ve got more money to cover that £77 bill? Who will do childcare then, for your child that he is 50% responsible for? Does he think his child does not need the baby supplies he bought? He’s embarrassing

Just to note, he never uses his savings for anything and we’ve said it’ll be my savings going on new house Reno.
youre being a mug if you pay for this

You didn’t make that baby by yourself so why are you supposed to be the only one paying for it??

You are funding his life too by paying for the actual food that keeps him alive and you’re paying for the care of the baby you both share and you’re providing free childcare and you’ve already paid the physical costs of gestation and childbirth, which take a toll that is often not apparent for years. He owes you a vast debt, frankly.

I’m responsible for the groceries and babies supplies as well as anything I might want or need like my phone bill, nails, toiletries, clothes etc and gifts for peoples bdays, but this month I came up short

So you overstretched yourself. You knew how much you had for the month and you overspent. Nails, clothes and gifts there - I mean.

That said, you're in a partnership. You should be sharing spends equally between you. Does your mat pay and any CB along with his income go into a joint account? If not why not?

You need some serious boundaries to protect yourself here.

I was a SAHM for 8 years. All money was family money (and still is, with both of us working now).

ICK.

You’ve chained yourself to a selfish sexist twat. Back to work would be best.

Do not use your savings for the house renovations. You can't replace them and will be left with nothing.

He may very well want you to be a housewife but, frankly, he can't afford to support one. Whether you want to or not, I'd go back to work. Should anything happen to your marriage, the last thing you want is to be long-term unemployed with no assets.

You had his whole child and he gives you £200 A MONTH and says he ‘funds your life’…
And you have to pay for everything FOR HIS CHILD.

god threads like this make me so glad I am single. Wtf is wrong with him. I’d be getting divorced and taking half. Honestly you’d be financially better off.

Just to note, he never uses his savings for anything and we’ve said it’ll be my savings going on new house Reno. I’ve also asked him numerous times if he still wants me to be a sahm or should I go back to work and he’s adamant he wants me to be sahm unless I really want to go back (which I don’t).

House renovation costs need to be split equally! Please refuse to use your savings on the renovations. Please also return to work when the baby is 11-12 months old. You’re really vulnerable without your own money. Nursery fees need to be split equally too.

I’m a SAHM (though now work v part time)

You need to go back to work. Your DH is going to keep expecting you to pay for things you don’t have money for and will control you using this. Ideally long term you might want to LB….

He is financially abusing you here and will continue to do so. I would seriously consider your future with him because it will not be a very happy one for you or your child. These types of men never want to share and see all childcare costs as the mother’s responsibility . Infact I would be seeing a solicitor to discuss divorce.

And do not use your money for house renovations.

Do you get child maintenance too? I am a SAHM and unfortunately it does mean having to really budget, I’ve not had my nails or beauty treatments done in years for example, and as for peoples presents I buy in advance in the sales or whenever I see a bargain. But other than that you probably do need to sit down and work out your finances jointly and how it can work more smoothly going forward. For example, any food or anything the children need I’d ask my husband to get, he does all the big food shops and usually tops up the fuel in my car too so that my money can go on things like days out with the children.

My guess too is that he will try and sabotage all attempts you make to get back into the workforce. This is about power and control and he wants absolute over you.

Being a SAHM does not work unless you have shared finances. You both need to have the attitude that the family is a unit and that unit earns, owns and spends money, not the individuals. You are a team. He cannot do his job without someone to take care of his child. You need to have a discussion and adjust your perspectives.

Sre you married? Time to work out how you do this alone. Get back to work ASAP and don't spend your money on house renovation. Also not getting new car.

When I was a SAHM all money went into a joint account that I had full access to. We’re a team.

This sounds a mess. Him and you want to stay as a SAHM, then you can’t have your finances split out like that. If you don’t go back to work, you’ll have to pay your company mat leave back. You need to sit down and plan all this out properly. But sounds like he could be stressing over money. If his income was lower this month but paying out for stuff, but you are still spending money on nails, this could have annoyed him.

I think you and your husband need to have a better talk about your household budget. I see financial abuse has been mentioned, but actually you do have access to a lot of money, so it's unclear whether there is actual abuse or you (both of you) are simply living beyond your needs. On the face of it £680 a month for food for 2 adults, baby items, and personal items for yourself (even without the additional £200 should be plenty. There are some red flags around his savings, but again, it's unclear whether this is because he's more of a saver and you are more of a spender (i.e is he squirrelling away money and leaving you short, or is he simply spending much less on himself than you spend on yourself?)

If you want to retain separate finances, you might be better to do this in conjunction with a joint account where all joint household outgoings (including holidays and child related items as well as bills) come out from.