If a middle aged man starts phone guarding it’s never good, is it?

[Slalomsue]

He used to leave his phone around the house while doing odd jobs, pottering, nipping out to the garage etc. Phone is now always with him, and he’s always on it. I brought it up with him, pointed out he was on his phone a lot lately rather than chatting to me and he apologised, said he was looking up a car part and put it away.

Last night I walked into the lounge without him noticing. When he looked up from his phone he visibly jumped, closed something on the screen and put it down, immediately coming over to “see if I was ok”. I’d noticed this out of the corner of my eye so didn’t properly register the behaviour to ask him there and then. I’ve never felt the need to check his phone before.

Have an uneasy feeling about this.

That doesn't sound good OP. Especially the change of behaviour, from being relaxed about his phone to guarding it.

Nah, not really. I don't want my chap to see all the shite I Google.

Ask him.

Do not ignore a gut feeling

Literally in the OP's OP.

He didn’t used to care. I’ve never searched his phone before. Only ever touched it to call mine if it was lost or look at the time. I believe in privacy.

Keep asking. We don't know what he's doing. Maybe he is getting her a surprise gift. We don't know. If she doesn't keep asking she won't know either.

I'd be suspicious too at the obvious change in behaviour. Ask him what's going on and if he looks shifty, ask him to give you his phone to look at if he's got nothing to hide.

I realise the assumption on Mumsnet is that if a man wants even a hint of phone privacy they must be having an affair, but to be honest it's more likely that he was just looking at something more or less harmless that he's embarrassed about.

I look at tons of weird stuff on my phone that I wouldn't want to attempt to explain to my partner. None of it's even remotely harmful, though.

Even if there is something wrong, it's more likely to be something like gambling or porn (if you think those things are wrong) than an affair I think. Of course, nobody here knows for sure; for all we know he might indeed be up to something with another woman. But despite the unfounded confidence of Mumsnetters who sit there egging people on to end their marriages or invade their partner's privacy on the basis of no evidence whatsoever, there could be a zillion other explanations.

Nobody is egging OP on to leave her H.

But a change in behaviour like OP describes is worrying and OP would be a fool to not be concerned. And for a lot of women gambling or porn use would be a matter of concern.

I agree with @Endofyear.
If he has nothing to hide he should be willing for OP to look at his phone. After all he didn't used to have a problem with her using it.

Are there any other changes in his behaviour? Changes to his routine, working later, going out more? More care over his appearance, hygiene, fitness?

affair or porn.
only one way to find out.

@BauhausOfEliott "there could be a zillion other explanations"

There could be, but I doubt it. £20 quid says he ain't looking for a car part.

Next time you catch him being furtive, could you do the very upbeat and upfront question 'what are you looking at? You're being very secretive...'
If he replies with 'oh, just something not very interesting that you wouldn't care about' in which case you could ask to have a quick look. See what he says. Because if he flat out refuses, then you know it's something he doesn't want you to see. And you take the conversation from there.

I'd either ask or look myself. The hiding behaviour is either very easily explained by I was looking at getting a surprise for you/ something health related that might be embarrassing. No harm done.
But if its continuous hiding behaviours and someone saying no nothing is wrong/different, gaslighting or projecting. Then I'm looking because that person isn't going to tell me the truth and my life is far to short to be long term detective.

Porn would be a deal breaker for me. There is nothing I would hide on my phone from my partner and vice versa.Both very happy to have a open phone policy.

I’d be looking for other changes too
new clothes
aftershave
saying he’s just nipping to …..
going out with …… when he’s not before

I’d definitely be watching more, usually when it’s your gut your usually right

Oh come on!

This.

Can you ask to borrow his phone to check the weather/winter Olympics schedule/ phone your mother etc , because your phone needs charging… . His reaction will tell you if he has anything to hide.

Also, if there is another woman, it may be saved on the phone as ‘Steve’.

Hoping your gut instincts are wrong, but diesn’t look good.

Agree it is more likely to be an affair or porn than a surprise gift or holiday (how I laughed!). Mine used to shower as soon as he got in, had his phone on vibrate and needed more time to "work" when home (ie messaging her constantly, even at 2/3/4am). They also can't help but mention them, very obtusely, because they are usually thinking about them in the day while they are in infatuation mode.

really how do we know? Only you can solve this

Your gut feeling is ALWAYS right. Sorry OP, from a survivor of two abusive marriages - first and worst of the two, jumped when I unexpectedly opened the back door and he was outside on his phone. Two months later my whole life blew up, he was having an affair with a family 'friend'. Was also dabbling with drugs and having a mid life crisis. Oh how I thank fate that he left me, as I'd never have had the strength to 'break up our family', despite his later and obvious 'the script' behaviour and causing arguments with me on purpose to twist his own narrative. I now live alone out of choice, my children are stable and successful (mid 20's) and my heart sings every time I walk into my downsized cottage, greeted by my dogs, without a man wanting sex, or needing my attention all evening. Never did I think I'd hear myself say that. It's true- what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Yes but you haven’t suddenly started. That’s your normal pattern

I look for weird stuff just to see if it exists
Nothing to hide
Bat soup anyone😋

Yes, I understand where you're coming from.