Mixed feelings - divorce

Anyavailableusernames · 2026-02-18T09:54:47+00:00

I have posted before about my marriage/DH - married over 26 years, one child, he had an affair and now lives with OW. They have split several times, from what I can see it's a pretty toxic situation with lies, control etc. It's a long story which I won't go into now, suffice to say it's been brutal for me emotionally and financially. I have tried to be supportive but I need to move on. Anyway, to the point. Yesterday I filed for divorce. Despite all the shit he has put me through, and how much he has changed (from someone I loved deeply, someone kind and caring to a nasty, angry man who seems to hate me) I am still so sad about the situation. He was my forever and it's so hard to see past that and accept my future is different. I feel like I'm grieving the person he was. I am still a million miles away from even thinking about moving on, as in dating etc. I feel like this has changed me and I can't ever imagine trusting anyone again. I am 50 and feel like life will just be lonely now. For context, everyone who knows us has been completely shocked by him - they all thought we were perfect together, as did I. The sense of loss is overwhelming, even though he's changed into someone I don't even like anymore, the love for we had is still there. Not sure if that makes sense? Can anyone relate?

Fizzink38 · 18/02/2026 10:38

What a devastating thing to have happen to you, OP, it's not surprising you're feeling bereft. I haven't read your previous thread but your post comes across as very calm and anger-free (which I'm sure you're not) take your time to grieve, you've lost a future as well as a marriage.
However, I would also say focus on you. His new relationship is his business, no matter how dysfunctional, and you now need to make sure you are taking care of yourself (and DC). You can grieve the loss of the man he was and aim for recovery without thinking about the future too much. Is therapy an option?

Original poster

Anyavailableusernames · 18/02/2026 10:54

Thank you. I have had some therapy sessions, which have helped me to leave my anger and bitterness and to give me some clarity. It's just this huge sense of loss remains and I can't get past it. I'm doing a lot for myself, and have good friends around me so I'm not physically 'alone' - just feel so lonely in life if that makes sense! Trying to take life day by day at this point.

OP posts:

Fizzink38 · 18/02/2026 17:48

I hear you. I suffered a dreadful sense of loss during my (highly acrimonious) divorce. I felt such a huge sense of failure (not my first divorce) and of letting down my DC's, even though it wasn't my actions that prompted it. I think you're doing brilliantly - are you continuing with the therapy? If it helps, though, I was about your age then and life has been much, much fuller than I ever imagined. Give yourself a break - day by day is fine for now. Would you have him back if he asked?

Crumpet444 · 18/02/2026 18:48

Well your marriage was toxic too, in that he was lying and cheating. He is the common denominator. He didn’t get a personality transplant, you just didn’t see him before under the mask.

Original poster

Anyavailableusernames · 18/02/2026 18:56

Crumpet444 · 18/02/2026 18:48

Well your marriage was toxic too, in that he was lying and cheating. He is the common denominator. He didn’t get a personality transplant, you just didn’t see him before under the mask.

Wow. Way to kick someone when they're down - talk about making me question my entire judgement and adult life! Thank you for your insight.

@Fizzink38 in all honesty I don't think so. A while ago, yes, I probably would have but he has shown a nasty side that I never would have believed had I not see it for myself.

OP posts:

LeapyearLoser · 18/02/2026 18:59

I feel this, 32 year marriage gone. The 59 year old man I knew is long gone my love is still as strong for him. I defend him to all even though he has ruined our family. We have decided no divorce but he is selling our family home.
He lies to everyone and denies an affair but his female friend describes themselves as boyfriend and girlfriend.
Mid life crisis, probably and if and when hes ready I'm here to start over.
Good luck to us, we deserve so much more.

Crumpet444 · 18/02/2026 19:05

Anyavailableusernames · 18/02/2026 18:56

Wow. Way to kick someone when they're down - talk about making me question my entire judgement and adult life! Thank you for your insight.

@Fizzink38 in all honesty I don't think so. A while ago, yes, I probably would have but he has shown a nasty side that I never would have believed had I not see it for myself.

Show quote history

I was highlighting that believing he’s a different person than what he’s shown you doesn’t serve you in any way. It’s not about your judgement it’s about how well he kept himself hidden. You talk about his relationship with the OW like your relationship was somehow better because theirs is ‘toxic’… but yours was too because of HIM, and he is not worth pining over. He is the same person, he just hid it better before.

Crikeyalmighty · 18/02/2026 19:15

Anyavailableusernames · 18/02/2026 18:56

Wow. Way to kick someone when they're down - talk about making me question my entire judgement and adult life! Thank you for your insight.

@Fizzink38 in all honesty I don't think so. A while ago, yes, I probably would have but he has shown a nasty side that I never would have believed had I not see it for myself.

Show quote history

I haven’t split with my H but have come very close several times , my H has actually done several things I would never ever have believed of him , but like you I know I would feel the same way- it’s my 2nd marriage, I loved him enormously when we met and I think we were very well matched - I do sometimes think they hugely regret what they did but know full well that you won’t ever feel the same and hence think it’s easier to split than forever be someone’s disappointment . I think OP you have to think of it as it was something that has enhanced your life and was right , until it just wasn’t . I think it’s possible to always care about someone, accept they aren’t mentally in the same place and on the same page and hence it’s no longer right for you - I feel for you, I would feel the same -

WeAreNotOk · 19/02/2026 03:48

OP you're not supposed to like him anymore. It's OK.
Stab a potato. It works on the frustrations level.

SoSoPredictable · 19/02/2026 04:12

Actually, sometimes they can have a personality "transplant" - mine definitely did after 25 years, even his closest friends don't recognise who he has become in the last 12 months. There's a book called Runaway Husbands, if you've not come across it before, that looks into the hows and whys. I found it a useful read, but warn you that the online side is a bit OTT.

But what I would say is step away from hearing or paying attention to them and their relationship. Don't judge your relationship or yourself by that. It might be toxic, but it doesn't matter; they will either split or knuckle down and self-justify what they are doing. Either way, it doesn't help your healing, and as they say, comparison is the thief of joy, and its so very true in this case. Whatever it takes to build up some barriers - remove them from social media, ask friends not to update you - you need to focus elsewhere and stop picking that scab!

I imagine, like me, you're dealing with grief of your relationship, past/present/future life alongside financial and life changes. And like any grief, it takes time, and if you can arrange it, therapy. Be kind to yourself and focus on things, as tiny as they may be, that make you happy. Sounds silly, but I downloaded one of those positive affirmation apps - I rolled my eyes and sneered at it for the first weeks, but actually, I kept doing it, and then I started using it as a distraction. If I started thinking about the split/divorce, I'd open the app and take 2 mins on it - if nothing else its rewired my brain to not go down rabbit holes, and in some cases, the affirmations now make me smile and sometimes nod my cynical head! I'm not saying that will work for you, but hopefully you'll find something that does.

beingtakenforafool · 19/02/2026 04:43

looks llike Igoing through this now 26 years together and he has thrown it all away, messaging someone else but apparently just friends, further messages with sexual innuendo today, adult dc now hate him but apparently been unhappy for months, but didn

Randomuser2026 · 19/02/2026 05:51

Anyavailableusernames · 18/02/2026 10:54

Thank you. I have had some therapy sessions, which have helped me to leave my anger and bitterness and to give me some clarity. It's just this huge sense of loss remains and I can't get past it. I'm doing a lot for myself, and have good friends around me so I'm not physically 'alone' - just feel so lonely in life if that makes sense! Trying to take life day by day at this point.

For me there was an active decision to get past it.
I definitely made the choice to get over it, and not let his actions ruin the rest of my life.
Sure the thought of life post-divorce was scary, but it is OK for it to be a work in progress.

I do of course experience loss, but the words I use are different: instead of huge say “will take time to get through” or “still feels daunting” something which allows the magnitude but which indicates that you are committed to moving on.

Original poster

Anyavailableusernames · 20/02/2026 13:53

SoSoPredictable · 19/02/2026 04:12

Actually, sometimes they can have a personality "transplant" - mine definitely did after 25 years, even his closest friends don't recognise who he has become in the last 12 months. There's a book called Runaway Husbands, if you've not come across it before, that looks into the hows and whys. I found it a useful read, but warn you that the online side is a bit OTT.

But what I would say is step away from hearing or paying attention to them and their relationship. Don't judge your relationship or yourself by that. It might be toxic, but it doesn't matter; they will either split or knuckle down and self-justify what they are doing. Either way, it doesn't help your healing, and as they say, comparison is the thief of joy, and its so very true in this case. Whatever it takes to build up some barriers - remove them from social media, ask friends not to update you - you need to focus elsewhere and stop picking that scab!

I imagine, like me, you're dealing with grief of your relationship, past/present/future life alongside financial and life changes. And like any grief, it takes time, and if you can arrange it, therapy. Be kind to yourself and focus on things, as tiny as they may be, that make you happy. Sounds silly, but I downloaded one of those positive affirmation apps - I rolled my eyes and sneered at it for the first weeks, but actually, I kept doing it, and then I started using it as a distraction. If I started thinking about the split/divorce, I'd open the app and take 2 mins on it - if nothing else its rewired my brain to not go down rabbit holes, and in some cases, the affirmations now make me smile and sometimes nod my cynical head! I'm not saying that will work for you, but hopefully you'll find something that does.

This resonates - the close family and friends also baffled by who he has become now. I try not to dwell on it, it just blows my mind that someone can change so much. Not worth trying to understand it. Thank you for the book recommendation, I'll have a look. And yes, hard agree with removing myself from anything to with him and his new relationship!

OP posts:

ThirdStorm · 20/02/2026 14:01

It took me a while to grieve for the life I was supposed to have. And recover from the hurt, I couldn't believe how nasty he was to me once he decided we were over. He was having an affair that he went to great lengths to hide from me.

Eventually I recognised it was for the best, we weren't happy or actually that compatible sadly.

Good luck. Give yourself time.

category12 · 20/02/2026 15:11

It's a big change and a hard adjustment, but you can make a happy life for yourself and it doesn't have to be lonely.

50 isn’t old, you've got plenty of life left ahead of you and in you.

Do some planning of things you want to do, (especially if there are things that you wanted to do that he wouldn't) - and go do them.