6 year relationship breakdown with 2 year old

[xabz]

I have been with my partner for 6 years. We have a two-year-old together. I live in his house (I’m not on the mortgage). On paper we look like a family unit, but in reality the relationship feels completely broken down.

The only reasons I’m still here are:

1. My daughter – keeping a family together.
2. The fact that if I leave, the house I call home won’t be my home anymore.

For context, he is very controlling and extremely insecure. He has zero patience and is constantly agitated. I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells around him. He’s very negative – constantly slagging other people off, judging people, just generally quite unpleasant to be around day-to-day.

A big turning point for me was the other day when he pushed me. It wasn’t some huge dramatic incident, but it shocked me. He also pesters me for sex constantly. If I say no, he throws a strop and makes life uncomfortable. I feel pressured a lot of the time and it’s horrible. I don’t feel relaxed in my own home.

He tells me he loves me all the time and I don’t doubt that he believes he does. But day-to-day life with him is just… shit. He’s not very nice to be around. I feel tense most of the time.

Financially, I earn £1,800 a month after tax. My wage goes towards some bills, food shopping, days out etc. If I left, I’d likely have to move back in with my parents temporarily, who live 45 minutes away. That would mean taking my daughter out of her current nursery (which is 10 minutes from where we live now) and starting again somewhere else.

He also has another daughter he sees two days a week.

I’m torn between:

Trying to “work on it” for my daughter’s sake
Leaving and starting from scratch, which feels terrifying.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this is as bad as it feels. I’m scared of losing the stability of a home, but I’m also deeply unhappy and uncomfortable.

I always wonder if the grass is greener, maybe it is but what if it isn’t.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did you stay and work on it, or leave? How did you manage financially and practically with a toddler?

Please be honest. I need perspective.

You are describing an abusive relationship which is not an environmen that you can keep your daughter in.

You say you could work on the relationship - has your partner so far done anything to work on it from his side? Because if not this is a hiding to nothing.

Imagine how things could be in 5 years.

God please leave him. Do it for your daughter if not for yourself. He sounds vile and it will only get worse.

Have you checked if you’ll be entitled to any benefits? There are several calculators on line that could help work it out.

The grass will be greener because you and your child will be living in a calm, peaceful environment. This environment is damaging to you both.

I’m not saying it will be easy, but it will be worth it. Better to do it now while she’s young. Go to your parents x

How exactly are you going to "work on it"?

You're not the issue here, there's nothing for you to work on. He's the issue, and as he doesn't see any issue, he's not going to try and change.

Leaving is going to be painful, but the sooner you do it the sooner you'll be out the other side. The alternative is doing nothing, hoping that he'll magically change and finding yourself in the same position in five years time.

You’re underrating. Go back to your parents. The grass would be greener if you were living in a car, he’s fucking awful and you’ll probably only realise how bad things are once you’re away from him and can think clearly.

Look at your daughter when she’s asleep tonight, imagine her being with someone like her dad in future. Who physically hurts her, bullies her for sex, is nasty to her. But he tells her he loves her. Would you say a man who behaves like that loves her? Deserves her?

What the others have written.

Do not stay with your abuser for the supposed sake of your daughter. It will achieve nothing and will do your dd and you no good at all. It’s never been your home either; it’s primarily his and such men never share nor want to. Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one.

What do you want to teach DD about relationships and what is she learning here?. You would not want her to be in an abusive relationship as an adult so stop showing her this treatment of you ( and in turn she) is acceptable to you. She also needs to see decent male role models in her life. Men like this hate women too, ALL of them. Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute over you both.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

There is nothing to work on and it was over the first time he abused you.

Move back with your parents and put dd into another nursery. Plan your exit with care and leave while he is out. Use the support from Women’s Aid and going forward enrolliing yourself onto the Freedom Programme.

I grew up in a home with domestic violence where my mother stayed “for the kids.” Neither my brother nor I appreciated her sacrifice at the time. Eventually, my father began to beat all of us.
If a relationship isn’t working for you, it can be damaging for your daughter in the future.
It was very hard for me to be in a relationship because of the abuse I witnessed. I didn’t get married until I was 37 because I struggled to trust men. I found myself mistrusting anyone I felt might have a violent character.

better to move her now in nursery, than exposure to more of his behaviour and move her when she is at school.
Dont forget that you will be entitled to some maintanance too.
This is not a healthy environment for her and its only going to get worse.

You’re trying to justify staying in a horrible relationship because you’d have to change nurseries. Get a grip and leave him. He sounds grim. Stop building a sand castle life and start building something that will make you happy and proud.

I understand that perhaps you think you should “work on it” “for the sake of your child”, but those tired old tropes simply do not apply in abusive relationships. No amount of “work” on your part is going to change your revolting, abusive, partner into a decent man.

Don’t you think you deserve a decent man? Or well ahead of that, don’t you think you and your precious child deserve PEACE, and safety?

If you want to be seen to be doing the right thing for your child, then please be assured that the right thing in this situation is to LEAVE, as soon as physically possible, and never look back. It is not your house, it is not your home. You will make your own home with your daughter in the near future; doesn’t that sound FREEING?

I always advise people to think of the end game in these situations - how long are you going to stay, and why? Imagine your life if you’re still there in 10 years’ time, with a tween daughter who has witnessed (and inevitably been subjected to) a decade of abuse. Surely the best time to leave is yesterday, and the next best time is today. I wish you luck x