Friends with Ex and New Relationship

[sunnyrainbowss]

I’d love people’s thoughts on this.

I’ve been broken up with an ex for coming up to 7 years now, we were only together 10 months and split because we wanted different things out of life. The breakup was fine and we’ve remained friends ever since and meet up every few months for coffee/catch a film/food.

I’m currently in a new relationship and really not sure how to navigate this without hurting feelings. There’s absolutely no romantic feelings between me and my ex, in fact I don’t even think of him as an ex anymore just a friend but equally I can see how it may make my new partner uncomfortable. I don’t know how to bring it up really with my new partner as I don’t want to sound weird or like I’m being OTT but it also seems inappropriate to not bring it up. I also feel like I’d be a horrible person to cut off a 7 year friendship because of a new relationship!

Any thoughts or advice welcome!

What's to navigate? You have a friend of 7ish years and a new boyfriend.

If the new boyfriend can't deal with the fact that you have a friend who is also your ex, then you ditch the boyfriend.

I certainly wouldn't be risking a long term friendship for a brand new relationship.

I agree with PP. If new BF has an issue then it's a red flag IMO.

Agree with PP

My ex and I split up amicably and remained friends. We never got around to getting divorced

When I met my current OH it was some ten years later. I told her straightaway - she was initially taken aback that we were still married but was fine when I explained

If anything, it was my ex who was unhappy about it!

What's to feel anxious about? I'm friendly with some of my exes and not with others, it's never been an issue with my husband.

Have you not been in any other relationships since you split up? If you have, why is there an issue this time? If it’s the new BF not happy about it, I’d say that’s a huge red flag. If this is the first relationship, I wouldn’t make a big deal if it. Simply introduce him as your friend when the time is right, then later that same day (when it’s the 2 of you alone) I would say “just do you know, Derrick and I used to date about 7 years ago for less than a year. We realised we weren’t romantically compatible but have remained friends ever since”.

I’ve dated since the split but nothing that’s developed into an actual relationship until now

To be honest, it had never crossed my mind as an issue until I happened to mention to my friends that I was meeting ex this week and they were horrified and said it was inappropriate and they couldn’t believe what I was doing! That’s what has got me thinking on the subject- they made me worry I was doing something wrong 😅

You're doing nothing wrong. Your friends are toooo conventional, probably because of their conditioning.

The breakup was fine and we’ve remained friends ever since and meet up every few months for coffee/catch a film/food.

I wouldn't be ok with someone still going out with their ex and would not pursue a relationship with someone who did.

I also don’t see the issue. You have a friend that you have a brief relationship with that was many years ago.

Crack on with what you’re doing. If your boyfriend is unhappy ditch him.

You dated for 10 months ages and ages ago. I see no issue. I have food in my freezer that's lasted longer haha
I'd probably mention it at some point so it didnt t feel like I was intentionally hiding it, but that's just me.
If anyone had an issue that that's their problem and I'd be worried that they had self esteem or jealousy problems so wouldn't want to continue with them.

Exactly this. You're auditioning a new boyfriend for how he fits into your life as it is and enhances it. Even though you have, at this point, no reason to think he'd be anything other than fine with it, if he isn't, then surely it's better than you're warned early that someone new in your life thinks he gets to veto longstanding friendships?

we’ve remained friends ever since and meet up every few months for coffee/catch a film/food

Nope, sorry but this situation wouldn’t be for me. Staying friends, occasionally calling / texting, meeting up and socialising as part of a group - yeah all good; semi regular one to one “dates” though would be a no and I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who was doing that, especially if they were hiding it which you seem to be doing as he doesn’t know about it.

Having said that though I don’t think you’re wrong, it’s just a difference in boundaries is all.

Also just to be clear, I don’t think you should change yourself to please him; if my new DP was doing this then I’d wish him well, explain we weren’t compatible as our boundaries didn’t align and walk away, I absolutely would NOT expect him to change or drop the friendship.

I also feel like I’d be a horrible person to cut off a 7 year friendship because of a new relationship!

Word to the wise about this, just be prepared that HE may get a new DP at some point and may well drop you; it happened to me!

yeah still being legally married isnt the same as what the OP is saying.

if the genders were flipped on this, people would be seeing the friendship, coffee meet ups etc as a red flag and disrespectful.

First post nailed it. Exactly this.

They wouldn’t, you know. Pre-existing, valued friendships should never be ditched for a new relationship that may not last. Regardless of sex.

thats not how mumsnet hive works.

Well, I've been a fairly regular poster since 2011, and I think no one should be 'retiring' pre-existing friendships for a new relationship. And I say it, and I'm not alone.

it depends if the its a man who has a pre existing friendship or women has a pre existing friendship. As this thread proves.

Not for me. And not for some other posters. I recognise some usernames who regularly say the same things as I do on threads about opposite-sex friendships, ie that thinking that anyone should ditch or downgrade existing friendships for a relationship is unwise, regardless of the sexes of the people involved.