How do I stop myself brushing it under the carpet again?

[orangestriped]

Together for 12 years, married for 8. 1 DC aged 5.

The marriage has not been good for years in reality. Day to day we continue, but the issues slowly eat away at me. I’m overwhelmed and burnt out.

We have had several blow outs over the last couple years where it’s seriously looked like it was over. I want to end it, but DH wants to try again and every time I find my brain just papering over the cracks.

It’s like my brain purposely forgets everything, and we just go back to how it was.

We had another blow out at the weekend and I’ve said I’m done. Two days later, DH is trying to act like nothing has happened again. My brain is doing the same.

I feel so lost. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I know that we’ll be back here again.

What are the blow outs about? What are the reasons you feel like you're done?

Your brain will do that..it's easier and familiar.

You'll have to do something different this time like tell your husband that you mean it.

Or start a plan to seperate. Once we have a plan and how to do something. It's easier

I’m overwhelmed and burnt out.

Why? I think this is the key. Does he pull his weight with parenting and all the house & family stuff? Does he have conversations with you? Do you trust him? Is he sensible with money and time?

I remember working f/t with young DC and it was a bloody nightmare of endless complicated and expensive arrangements and worry.

Ultimately I think it’s an incompatibility thing. We have different views on money, home life, affection etc. He’s very rigid whereas I’m more relaxed. I feel like he has a mean streak and high expectations.

Ultimately, I just want to live in a relaxed home on my own terms.

I work 3 days in a stressful job, and do 95% of the childcare. He works 5.5 days a week. He does do household chores but expects the house to be at such a high standard that I find it intolerable. I feel he feels I don’t do enough around the house but I feel he doesn’t acknowledge or appreciate what I do do. I don’t feel I can rest.

Conversations generally centre around him. I’m his sounding board.

He’s not remotely reckless with money, quite the opposite, but in a way that I often feel judged and suffocated about spending. We are in a good financial position and have no debt.

I ultimately I feel like his facilitator and I am shrinking.

I remember that! It's debilitating. What you do next:

Keep a written record - if you can, somewhere safe. Add to it as things occur to you

Dream about what it would be like to live without him. What would be easier? What would you enjoy? How would your DC benefit?

And then, once you've done these for a while, if you feel you want to, start looking at ways out. How would you do it, if you decided you had to? Would you want to move out (if so, are there suitable places available?) or stay in the family home? Can you afford your plans or do you need to work out a budget? Put together a plan, but don't feel pressured because it's just "in case".

Then, if you like your dreams, your plans are in place and you still feel like this, then you tell him you're done. Because at that point you've done all the thinking, and the fact that your brain will still be trying to paper over the cracks won't stop you because your plan is there, you just need to follow it. And you'll want to follow it, because you'll believe things can be better.

In that case, it doesn't sound like things are going to get any better while you are still together. Especially if he has a mean streak, that is not acceptable.

You need to make a plan as to how you're going to instigate a split. Talk it through with friends and family, bring it out in the open. Get some legal advice so you know how you will manage financially. Think about if you want to stay in the home (buy him out?) or if you will need to sell and start again somewhere else.

I would think about doing this sooner rather than letting things drift for a few more years - your DC is only 5 and will cope much better if you split now rather than when they're older. At 5, they will have little or no memory of you being together.

Sounds like you need counselling. It may make or break things but at least you should be able to agree a way forward.

Write a diary. Pen your feelings. Remind yourself that this past you who wants to leave him will also be future you, despite what present you wants to pretend.

I left years ago. Not a day I regret putting my life and happiness first rather than sacrificing myself at the alter of an unhappy marriage. Please also remember that your DC are being taught dysfunctional relationship dynamics whilst you stay together.

OP
Can you learn to sit with the discomfort of him being "displeased". This is the key.

His emotional reaction to the house being messy/untidy etc is HIS to own.

Your exhaustion sounds like in part due to you being in "symbiosis" with him a bit like a child with a disapproving parent. But you're not a child, you're two adults with an equal say and equally valid and RESPONSIBLE for yourselves. He's responsible for his own anxiety/need to control/bad temper etc.

You have to learn to see the tension, and soothe your own reaction to it. For this you need to be well resourced - sleeping well, eating well, have good friendships etc. Then you need to implement Time Outs as soon as you detect his critical/anxious side starts to spill out. Tell him "I see that you're frustrated right now, can we take a break and deal with this later". Then walk away for a reasonable length of time. Repeat as necessary. We both are able to maintain calm, dialogue on the issue in question (eg where to put the shoes).

A good couple's counsellor can help develop this sort of dialogue

I'm not the op, but struggling with a similar decision... this is really helpful advice. Thank you.

In parallel to the above, try to reinject some positivity into things. It needs to be a conscious effort at first because you right now are not seeing much positive. So you need to start becoming a better detective for things to appreciate that he does. Even if it's not immediately reciprocated.

A good talk to listen to is John Gottman
Making Marriage Work.

OP - you are also in your rights to split. This is your life and your decision

Can you go to counselling together? Obviously most couples use counselling to stay together, but it can also be helpful to talk through splitting up in a calm and reasonable way. My friend did this.

I know this feeling all too well and have recently started my own thread after telling my husband I was done.

We’ve swept everything under the rug every time it happens and then we just have the same argument repeatedly for years.
And the same thing, a few days later I sort of forget in a way, or wonder if overreacted or made most of it up.
over the years I’ve kept so many notes about things that have happened.

I still love him in a way but I’m just so exhausted by it and very checked out.

It sounds like he thinks he’s the boss and there is no compromise on what he wants.

Do you have equal leisure time.

Ultimately you can end it if you are unhappy. It sound like you will never live up to his expectations.