How do you get over an argument

[Patient2026]

So I'm not sure I've ever really learned how to deal with emotional issues in a healthy way. I've recently had an argument with my b/f and some things were aired that I'm now really struggling with. I don't want to focus on the argument but how do I get rid of the horrific feeling in my gut? I know I take things too personally and I'm a very emotional person but the hurt is horrific. I feel sick when I feel emotional pain. Is there anything I can do to soothe this for myself?

This also happens in other areas of my life so the question is about self soothing, not the argument. I take a lot of things incredibly personally and struggle internally.

I would say listen to your gut and what it's telling you. There's a reason why you feel this way. What has the argument brought up about the relationship? Is it telling you this relationship isn't right, that you're tolerating things that you shouldn't be?

What was aired that you are struggling with? I can tell you now that if he aired anything that was framed in a way to make you feel small he was projecting. And you’re feeling whatever he hoped you would.

I know the feeling you’re talking about. I hate arguing with dh, I feel completely out of sorts until we make up. Fortunately he does too, so we generally have to sit ourselves down and talk things out until we’re cuddling again.

It’s not as easy with wider issues because sometimes they just can’t be resolved. From living with dh, and discovering that we can repair and even grow through these disagreements, I either look to see what lessons I can learn or, sometimes, I just minimise my interactions. Life is too short to feel like this.

Have you thought about having some therapy? It’s exactly the kind of thing that you could unpack with a good therapist. It may take only a few sessions to work out if your issue is around insufficient boundaries, the other person is being out of order or whether it really is a self-soothing issue. It may be a good thing to listen to your gut for instance if your boyfriend is being unkind or gaslighting you. On the other hand it could be that your arguments remind you of unhealthy disagreements you had in the past with friends or family and you need to work through that. Or it could just be that you need to work on regulating your emotions and you could learn some techniques for doing that.

I wish I knew.

What are the things that you're struggling to get over?

There's two types of argument. Ones where no-one is trying to hurt each other but it happens anyway. Eg - "I feel like I'm the only one pulling my weight in this relationship, I feel like I'm drowning under all the housework" or "We never have sex, I'm not sure I can continue in this relationship if we don't fix this"

And ones that involve people actively trying to attack each other. "You're a lazy twat and I fucking hate you" or "You're a frigid bitch, I'm going to leave you and no-one else is ever going to want you."

If its the first, you both give each other time and space to calm down, and then try to resolve the issue that caused the argument calmly.

If it's the second, then you don't try and get over the argument, you get out of the relationship instead.

Its definitely the first but the gutteral hurt is so strong and painful. Is it just time or is there something that can help this awful feeling?

What was the argument about? Something fixable, or a fundamental difference?

I divorce them usually.

I think fixable but I dont know. Maybe its the not knowing that causes this much hurt. We're talking tonight but I cant eat, sleep, work, be around anyone without crying my heart out.

Essentially different love languages.

my husband and I have the same love languages in the giving end.. both gifts of service, for example, I keep the food coming lol.. make sure when I am out shopping if I see something that I know he would like, I get it.. make his coffees (normally has 3 per morning) even though I don't drink coffee.. He makes sure that I never have to pick up dog poop (which I appreciate lol) and keeps the lawn trimmed...car serviced, gas topped up, He also makes all my online reservations when I am travelling up to Canada and arranges my visa email that I need. What I want? a little romance, but it just not his style. I will say that when we have a little (or big ) argument, our rule is never to go to bed till it is sorted.

I think we both take time to think and respond. Not always possible to not leave until resolved......

It’s probably triggering something from the past. What was it like when you were growing up? How did your parents resolve conflict with each other, with you?

I dont remember solving conflict. We probably did but its not something I remember. They faught all the time though.

That's probably why you're feeling so rough now. Your experience growing up of arguments was that they just rumbled on forever more without ever getting resolved, so you're now expecting that to be your normal from now on in this relationship.

That's not how arguments work in most relationships though. They're like an earthquake. A short sharp shock, a release of pressure, and a rare occurance. And then they're over and you pick up the pieces and build everything back up stronger.

OP, your parents fighting all the time is the key.
As a child we all long for stability. Our parents being loving and supportive toward each other is a sign that we will survive. We depend on them for that. Them arguing all the time sets off the opposite feeling - I am not safe, this person is going to leave, I need to protect myself.
I only learned about this through therapy.
Before that I either ignored conflict and put up with shitty treatment, or made myself ill with worry.
Here’s the best thing I learned: in your relationship it’s about building love, it’s not about seeking resolution.
You cannot try and use your relationship to resolve those feelings you had as a child. If you do that - and I did - you just repeat this stress over and over and over.
If that sounds like I’ve worked it all out I haven’t I was probably twice your age before I got some help.

Thank you very much for this. Its something ive recently uncovered in therapy also. Ive been given grounding techniques to help with feeling overwhelmed with feelings of abandonment. Its a start I guess.

Do you think the feeling is a gut sinking terror that your world, your relationship is under threat, that you are unsafe?

And if so, could you ask him to reassure you that you are safe and that this is something you can work out together?