Is my marriage over?

[FFSparenting]

I've just had an arguement with my husband and he has stormed out somewhere. He said he felt alone and unsupported by me and was angry because I told him he could choose how he reacted to something. He was extremely stressed about starting a new job and when he is stressed its very palpable, swearing, huffing and puffing, sometimes at its worst punching walls, slamming doors. I hate it because it overshadows everything and makes me stressed as well. I sometimes worry what mood he will be in when I am on my way home.

We have a son and money problems so separating would be horrific but I do look forward to nights when he goes out which can't be good. Its not all bad, we had a lovely night out together just last night and I am defintely listing his worst points. My question is what is normal long term relationship resentment and what is a sign to end things?

I couldn’t live like that OP, it isn’t normal at all.

Hello @FFSparenting. So sorry you have this issue with your DH. It must be taxing and I can't even imagine the constant fear of him blowing up over something. Yikes. When it comes to problems like this, you don't need to rationalise or make it semi-ok by highlighting that "it's not all bad".

What you described is NOT OK. Not in the slightest. What separates us grownups - healthy adults - from toddlers is that we ideally have already learned to regulate our emotions, know how to channel them, and keep ourselves sane. Going by what you described - obviously none of us here know the guy - Your DH has anger issues of some sort. Therapy, therapy, therapy. So he can find an outlet or channel his frustrations somehow, without damaging his loved one's mental state.

This is a serious thing. And it is leagues more dire because you have a kid. I urge you to be smart and cautious, OP, as this is the environment the boy is growing up it, it is being normalised for him, and it definitely leaves a mark on him. If you are lucky, he will be the polar opposite, if not, well.. replicate what he sees now. I wouldn't leave it to a coin toss.

Again, be smart about it, you owe it to yourself and your child, neither of you deserve this setup. We all have money problems (most of us at least), we have stress with jobs, new jobs, etc.. But I dunno, I for one never take it out on my wife or kids. I choose note to. It would be easy, but they are not the source of the frustration, it is not fair to punish them for some moron that frustrated me at work. Maybe he should think about his problems this way... But all of that aside, he does need therapy of some sorts.

On an even more negative note, one there is resentment, I am not sure there is much to revive...being sad or frustrated about things in a relationship is one thing, resentment is a scar that rarely can heal...

What he is showing you and in turn your son is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. This is what the supposed nice times really are.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?.

And even if your son does not see his dad punch the walls he certainly sees damaged ones in his home. Same with the doors; he hears those being slammed. Your home is not the sanctuary it should be for either he or you. It’s also a short step from punching walls into punching you. Your h is not
punching walls at work is he?, no this abuse is reserved for you.

Seek legal advice re divorce asap as knowledge here is power. Do also contact Womens Aid .

Men like yours OP don’t go to therapy readily if at all because they think they’re doing nothing wrong. He does this because he can.

Did you grow up seeing similar behaviour as a child!

Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute over you and your child. It is not a relationship issue nor is it about communication or a perceived lack of.

He is angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger when you call him out on this behaviour. Again he’s not treating his work colleagues like this and he’s not slamming doors or punching walls in the office.

You have a choice re this man. Your son does not. Do not further let this become the cornerstone of his childhood.

Yes that it is my biggest concern that our son will think this is normal. He is a very, very loving dad but he definitely has a problem containing and regulating his emotions and stress. His upbringing was like this and he has broken the cycle to some extent but still has these mood swings. So I can see how this behaviour can be passed on.

op

He was raised in an abusive home and now he’s doing the same to his own family ie you people.

He is not a loving dad at sll if he is behaving like this. He’s an abusive dad instead. He can also regulate his emotions and stress at works; he’s not punching walls there.

His mood swings are examples of emotional abuse.

Again you have a choice re this man and your son does not. Your son cannot afford to see such within his home too. He needs to be taught that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You in turn are not some rehab centre for such a badly raised man.

Presumably he manages to keep his temper under control when he's at work, at the shops, at the gym or with friends? But at home he storms out, shouts, slams doors and punches walls? This is not him 'losing control' - it is a choice. He's making the choice to be abusive in the home, to his wife and child. He's perfectly capable of controlling his temper - he chooses not to.

what is a sign to end things?

None of it sounds great but the punching of walls and slamming of doors should be the biggest, flashing, neon sign to end things. I could not live with that level of fear (that he could turn it on me) and neither should your son. You've normalised those and you absolutely should not - both have no place in a loving, peaceful home which is the least that your son deserves!

How does your husband behave outside the home? Does he manage to contain his emotions at work, at the shops, with friends/family? If the answer is yes, then he's capable of regulating his emotions, at home he's choosing not too.

Your husband's behaviour is unacceptable. What makes him believe that he has the right to behave like an overgrown toddler, throwing a strop, just because it's in his home?!! It makes no difference where he is, if he's capable of behaving like a rational adult out of it, then he's capable of behaving like it, at home too. So yes, you are right, he is choosing to behave this way.

Your son is watching his Dad's behaviour and is thinking that this is normal adult behaviour. It isn't. Your husband is teaching your son, that sulking, stropping around, hitting objects is acceptable. He will gown up, quite possibly doing the same, because it's behaviour he's learnt from his Dad.