There's nothing I can do but it's heartbreaking

[BetterOffNow]

My adult DD has a difficult relationship (or rather lack of relationship) with her narcissist DF and I've been NC with him for years. I have a wonderful relationship with her, we're very close.

I listen, I support, I give her all the love and hugs she needs from me when it's making her sad, but there's nothing else I can do as any involvement on my part would only make things worse.

How do I let this go when I'm not with DD? Does anyone have any techniques or strategies I can use so that when I step away I can sleep at night because it's really hard to do that right now...

I'm not sure what to say beyond having to trust her to deal with it... it would help to know what kind of difficulties are in her relationship with her father, because that would affect how you might respond. Eg, is he borrowing money and not paying her back, is he overly critical of her, or controlling? If you feel you can go into that then I think people would be able to offer more constructive help.

Thanks, he's barely contacting her and when he does he tells her that he's finding it hard to have a relationship with her, putting all the responsibility for maintaining the relationship onto her. She's in her early 20s, he's in his 50s and ultimately he's the parent so if he's interested in her surely he should put in more effort than the occasional text?

Yes, he should.

In the end there is only so much you can do. Actually would it help to let her see mumsnet, or Dr Ramani videos? There are so very many of us with lacking parents, and it can help ... a little ... to realise youre not alone

For you ... could meditation help? But in the end, you can't shield your daughter from his horribleness and you may have to give that grief and pain its place in your life.

Thanks, I'll google the Dr Ramani videos, and try some meditation... I need to learn a way of finding a place to put the pain where I can shut the lid on it when I need to.

Im thinking that helping her learn to cope with his inadequacy and unpleasantness nay be the best.

I don't think there is a,way to avoid pain when you're connected to a poisonous, even wicked person. It's a matter of learning how to handle the situation and pain, and understanding what's going on can help considerably. Especially if she can get to the point of realising it's him not her. Narcissists are very good at making their bad beviour your fault and as a child, even a near-adult child, that hurts like nothing else.

My radical advice would be for both of you to block him and arrange some therapy/counselling. I've had some brilliant experiences with BetterHelp website. It's relatively affordable (discounts for low income too, if relevant) and some therapists are truly fabulous for all manner of problems.

You are talking about this like it is some new extremely traumatic event. Surely he has always been a shit and this is not news to either of you? I think you need to explore why you are experiencing what seems like quite an overreaction.

I've already blocked him, DD isn't ready for that yet. I agree that therapy is the way to go and she's on a waiting list for this. I'll see if BetterHelp is an affordable option for us, thank you

I've blocked him from my thoughts, he isn't my issue, but she's young and still holding out for the DF she can't have.

You can't help your heart breaking for your child who loves and longs for their father as you see them hurt and confused and hurt over and over again. Asking themselves why aren't they good enough and believing they aren't when the answer is that it's not them that's not good enough; the parent is a bad one.

That's exactly it, I hate not being able to fix this for her