At a crossroads and don’t know what to do

[tetheringendings]

After a particularly terrible weekend, I told DH last night that I’m done. And I really did feel it. I said that ultimately it comes down to incompatibility- we both just want to live in very different ways and neither are wrong, but it just doesn’t work. I have tried to compromise, but I’m pretty miserable.

We have had repeated conversations about this for several years. Nothing changes. I’m sure there are changes I could make, but I feel it would be at significant cost to myself and bluntly, I just don’t want to.

DH of course is saying give him another try. This time will be different. But then turning it back round to me again.

I said I want to stay friendly. Be good Co-parents etc. He says he can’t/won’t.

I just don’t know what to do. It’s the closest I’ve got to actually instigating a separation and it feels like so much is riding on my decision. I’ve always been quite passive so this feels massive to me.

I'm really worried I’d regret it, and I’m really worried about the impact on our 4 year old.

I just don’t know what to do. Any words of wisdom?

No words of wisdom I’m sorry but I am in a similar situation. I’ve recently started a thread myself.
25 years together, same repeated issue, promises of change and last week blurted out that I’m done.
It’s so hard to know if it’s the right thing isn’t it?

If a friend was writing this what would your advice be?.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is he or she learning here?.

I would be very brave here and make the break sooner rather than later. Your child will adapt and be fine. Better for your child to grow up with parents who are apart and potentially happier than to be together and miserable as you in particular are now. He has promised change and its not happened, it will never happen.

Re your comment, "I said I want to stay friendly. Be good Co-parents etc. He says he can’t/won’t."

What does he mean by can't/won't?. That sounds like a veiled threat.
I would therefore take him at his word and arrange child access through the courts. I would seek legal advice asap also as knowledge is power.

It’s so hard, isn’t it @Thisisntme1

I even said to DH last night that I just wish he felt the same so we could move forward. I just don’t want to hurt anyone.

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat

My logical brain knows all these things - I know exactly what I would say to a friend etc. But advising it and actually living it are just too very different things.

I also agree re the veiled threats. His lurched from saying he wanted DC full time, to not committing to the childcare he was supposed to be providing for the next 2 days and leaving me in the lurch. I said the full time thing was an absolute nonsense. I do 95% of all childcare and in reality, it would just mean an extra breakfast club and afterschool club to cover what he does. I just think he does have the potential to be difficult and I really don’t want DC to be caught in the crossfire.

And I don’t know if we would both be happier apart. I think I will, but he says he won’t be. I really don’t want to hurt him.

and I am very conscious of the example we are setting to DC.

Him asking for you to give him another try just proves he knows he’s being unreasonable.
Threatening to apply for full custody of your child is abusive.
Ditch him. Bastard.

Being able to replace his contribution to child rearing so easily proves he’s not pulling his weight.

He won’t be happy when you separate because he won’t have you to look after him.
You’ll thrive because you won’t have to look after the extra person.

Him saying he can't and won't be a functional co-parent after separation should really tell you everything you need to know about him. A decent man will never refuse to do what's best for his child no matter how aggrieved he is with their mother.
Separation is the right decision.

Plus he might move on quickly, you never know.

It's the uncertainty that stops people leaving, when they probably should.

Hmm, he is showing his true colours now. I would have no compunction about separating from him. You may well may not want to hurt him but he is showing you no such consideration at all.

If he had properly stepped up as both a husband and father to begin with such a conversation would not have happened. He has brought this upon himself but he will never apologise nor accept any responsibility for his actions.

He's already trying to be difficult and I think he will make the process of separation and divorce as protracted as possible. He's also seeing his gravy train life with you coming to an end. But this does not mean that you should not part ways.

You don't want to hurt him because you are both a reasonable and nice person; he is not and he will give you no such consideration. You are seeing this already. People like that see kindness as weakness.

Of course he has his own side of the story. He says he works so hard to provide and I’m not grateful enough to him for that. I work, and earn 40-50% of our income.

If nothing changes, nothing changes. Stick to your guns and follow through this time…or you’ll be back in a few months sharing the same tale.

Please be very careful with trusting what he says from now on @tetheringendings . Believe him when he says he can't/won't but if he comes out with reasonable sounding stuff, be very wary. He knows you are serious, he's only out to protect himself now.

And be careful what you share with him too. He won't think twice about turning nasty now that you're upsetting his poorly tended apple cart.

Hi lovely, I'm in the same situation as you. Also have a 4 year old. Things have been awful for years and years tbh. We both think it's over. Just don't even know where to start with figuring out finances etc. Its also not straightforward with the housing side of things. I kind of wonder how people here so easily say: just up and leave.
I love him still but we've been through so much crap over the years and ultimately I just don't think we're ever going to be compatible. I'm thinking of you and if you ever want to chat, can do anytime. It's so awful, especially when there are children involved. The thought of not seeing my baby girl every day absolutely breaks my heart 😢.

'He says he works so hard to provide and I’m not grateful enough to him for that'
Says it all. If he feels gratitude is his due for providing for his wife and child, he is living in the 1950's. And you are working and I'll bet do the bulk of the house work and child care...where is his gratitude?