Just found out I’m pregnant but not in love with my partner anymore

[hazel889]

I have just found out that I’m pregnant and I’m really happy as I haven’t conceived since our first child 8 years ago and have been desperate to extend our family.

long story short, me and my partner have had a really rocky relationship getting together as teens and now nearly 30 allot has happened over the years and I’ve found myself falling out of love with him and considering leaving him. Our relationship has never been great if I’m honest and I’m starting to realise I don’t think I’ve ever been truly happy with the way I’ve been treated.

I suppose I’m just looking for some suggestions on how I go about telling him I’m pregnant but at the same time I’m unhappy in the relationship. I don’t want to hurt him but I want to be honest with him.

what would you say the problems in the relationship are?

have you tried to talk about the issues befroe?

yes we’ve spoken about our problems before and we always end up arguing. My main problem is I find our relationship boring, we’ve never been on a date or done anything fun together and anytime I mention this I’m made to feel bad because he’s insecure about other men but goes out himself.

id be here all night if I listed all the problems we’ve had.

my DH is crap at this too, unless we are on holiday. he never organises thigns for me and it did erode me over tiem and cause me stress- my MH got very very bad.

like you we had quite a few problems but I only saw them after I had this catastrophic breakdwon which caused me to lose everything.

do you think he is willing ot change? my husabnd just wouldnt ever talk about anythign ever in fact I just made another thread about it.

our relationships sound the same! I don’t think he’s willing to change as he never sees any wrong in anything he does. People might say why are you having another child with him or why have a stayed with him but I feel like I’ve been blinded all this time and I’m finally waking up to it all

If you’re planning to keep the baby which it sounds like you are, I would hold off on telling him you want to split up because the moment you do he will become a different person and he’ll be mean and he will not help you with the baby. He may initially, but once he realises that you mean what you said he has has a potential to turn into the meanest person you have ever met.

I would just ride out the pregnancy and keep putting money away. If you’re planning to go back to work after maternity, you need to wrap that out as well because he probably won’t help with childcare and he probably won’t help with nursery fees.

Take it from me and a lot of the other women on this forum that when you break up with a man he changes overnight and can be so mean!

Leave with strategy- Stack your money and wait until you’re not so reliant on him. Even the early days of having the baby with the sleepless nights is so much easier to do that with somebody there.

Maybe you should just do counselling with him for now just so it can possibly be a bit easier to bear.

I left mine when our DD was 18 months so I got through the hardest part.

'Insecure about other men'

So, controlling then.

There's no such thing as insecure about other men. Especially in a long term marriage (unless you have form for cheating) It's abuse.

I dont want to put a dampner on the baby..
I guess you can leave and raise it single but it pretty much strips you of freedoms you sound long overdue. It's like out of thr fryingpan into the fire. I suppose once they start nursery you've a bit more freedom. And maybe there's a slim chance he will co parent effectively. But i doubt it as he sounds the sort who uf anything, will use the children to make things difficult. And you already have an 8 year old to worry about.

As pp said, he will turn when you leave so make sure you have your money in your own name bank accounts before telling him anything. I'd also (house situation dependent) look to have my own place ready to move to and all my important documents there before telling him, just incase.

Wise to go asap before baby is too far along. Otherwise you'll be trapped a handful more years.

I basically raised our first child alone as he left us for around 3 years when she was born so I have no concerns for myself in that department. I’ve never cheated as well I’ve always been faithful to him.

I also live in a council house which is in my name and I pay for everything so don’t depend on him for anything really.

i feel stupid for even staying with him but the relationships been pretty toxic from the start and I suppose I’ve felt trapped up until now

Does he work? Why isn’t he financially contributing? It sounds like you’d be better off without him! I’d be quite frank with him about stepping up or shipping out.

Men appreciate directness. I need you to step up or ship out. I am no longer willing to put up with a half arsed relationship. I would hold off mentioning the pregnancy or you will always wonder if he is just staying for the baby. See what he does. If nothing leave.

Yes he works full time in construction. I work part time in a pharmacy. This is a whole other problem we have and can’t seem to come to some conclusion.

im aware the relationship is shit, I just don’t know how to go about the situation I’m in now and when do I tell him

If you're unhappy in the relationship and don't see it lasting then imo you should not bring another child into the situation. It's not fair on your 8 year old to have to deal with his/ her parents separating and a new baby in the mix.

I mean there is no compromise with this and you don't need his permission. The only worry is he may become violent. It would be easier if you could just physically leave but as its your place, he needs to go. Do you have any male relatives you can have round when you tell him it's over?
Hopefully he has plenty of dosh if he pays for nothing there. So he can find a place to rent elsewhere.

But of course he won't want to as he has a kushy life where he is. But all you can do is put the foot down. And call the police if at any point, you feel at risk.

I agree here too tbh. Its an awful idea. But op seems rather set on another kid so...

Like I said in my post I haven’t conceived for 8 years, we had sex once around Christmas and I’ve fallen pregnant. My daughter has been begging me for a brother or sister since she was around 4 years old so I know she’s going to be really happy.

would you suggest I have an abortion instead?

Like I said in my post I haven’t conceived for 8 years, we had sex once around Christmas and I’ve fallen pregnant. My daughter has been begging me for a brother or sister since she was around 4 years old so I know she’s going to be really happy.

would you suggest I have an abortion instead?

Only you can decide whether or not to continue the pregnancy, as is your right. I wouldn't in your shoes. An 8 year old might well be very excited about the prospect of a new sibling but the reality of a new baby coming into their lives as their parents navigate a separation sounds like a recipe for instability and unhappiness.

Does he pay towards bills and food and things for your DD. If the house is in your name it will be easier to make him leave as he doesn't part own it or have his name on the tenancy.

Not really my place to suggest that but, seen as you asked - yes.

Bringing a child into the world with an abuser for a father isn't the right thing to do no matter what you want. I really want to win the lottery but if it meant killing 1000 people for it then I'd let that notion go. Obviously I understand the baby fever is a bit different and abortion itself is a moral dilemma....but, still yes.

And tying yourself in some way shape or form to him for an extra decade (instead of until the current kid is 18) is a bloody awful idea.

I'd choose my freedom, as much as I could get from him. But I'm not you and only you get to decide. And there are worse complications than a new baby. It's just you're going to have to work extra hard to protect that child from its fathers influence. It's understandable that it would just be too heartbreaking to abort a long desired baby. But just be aware that keeping this child potentially has severe implications for you and for your current child.

Congratulations on your pregnancy 💐

Going against the grain here, you need to end the relationship with him, but keep the baby.