Just wanted to come on here to vent and explain my situation to gauge others thoughts and options.
My SO got together in 2021, I knew him from a friendship group we would hang out in in 2006-8 then I moved away for uni. He was with a girl at the time who was a twin whom he then married and had 2 kids with. His brother who also hung out in the group married the twin and had 2 kids with her.
To give context..My SO and his ex wife separated and divorced in 2018. She was cheating on him with another member of the group who'd done things like this before. Then she went on to be an alcoholic with mental health problems and would self harm. She tried to kill herself on one occasion and my SOs daughter called him to let him know she was unresponsive and had to go to hospital as she was passed out from overdose and alcohol , thrown up and pooed herself in the bed where she found her and partner then found her.
My SO and I got together a few years later as he'd messaged me and I ended up moving back to the area and in with him after 6 months or so as my job was closer to there anyway and for other reasons. So we have been together since and had 2 children(1 and 2) and got engaged a year and a bit ago.
SO's parents have been helpful and involved with childcare now and then when we've needed it and we would usually go to Sunday dinner with them in the past. Which has been needed as my parents haven't really offered as they live 40 minutes away but I suspect they probably.qpupent have anyway even if they didn't move and still loved in the village. Because of this we've been able to have a few nights doing nice things together over the past couple of years and they've covered days when we've been at work sometimes.
SO's kids (now f15 and m13) would come and stay with him in th pasta t my old house when it was his weekend and they were difficult to talk to and quiet/ignorant but I made the effort and took them places and tried to talk with them. In the end I sort of gave up as one of them will now walk past me in my own home without saying anything always glued to their devices which they have been since day 1 really.
SIL missed my children's birthday party last year (they had a joint one as 11 months apart) apparently because her kids needed to attend a dance class. She invited me to her hen do but it was around 3 or 400 quid and we didn't have the money really then due to astronomical childcare costs.
I earn a lot more than my partner and he works slightly less hours and does all the pick ups and drops offs with the kids as he drives and works around the corner where he has worked the last 20 years. He spends the most time with them as I am working often. I contribute more financially as I cannot afford to quit this job to spend more time with them. He says he can't get a pay rise and is on minimum wage I sneak off home when i can to see them and to get to bed and bath times. The job is great pressure and very demanding so I am very tired and stressed all the time and don't have much time to eat or even atteNd to basic needs. My partner definitely puts the effort in in this sense.
What I'm upset about is when we go to Sunday dinners I've come away for a while now feeling excluded. His family seem to have a very cult mentality especially his Mum as pleasant as she can be. They have brought up his ex and often asked the other SIL about her birthday and how she's doing in front of me even though she cheated on hima.nd they're divorced now.
They seem to pay her more mind than me because they're familiar with her and obviously she is the identical twin of the other SIL who is there every week too. They are literally carbon copies of each other in ith regards lifestyles, appearance, style, accent, mannerisms. The other SIL is not coined an alcoholic but she I have seen her often in front of her 2 children hardly able to speak and she's put every weekend leaving partner's brother to look after the kids which is what my partner said his ex did.
I've found it rude uncomfortable and disrespectful when they bring her up but it carries on. MIL has gone through her rather than my partner to buy his daughter a prom dress in the past. I've recently found out SIL the twin has been asked to be bridesmaid maid at my SIL's wedding and obviously I haven't. I've then come up against my partner's Mum insisting that we 'put our differences aside' and attend SO'S daughter's 16th at the social club where both twins get drunk all the time. My SO has told me his daughter doesn't like the social club or parties in the past as she is very quiet and finds this overwhelming. She was adamant that my partner attend this party and he told his Mum he would find it awkward due to ex in laws being there and him not liking them. He is happy to do other things to make her birthday special.
I am upset about all of this, hurt I guess and just feel very rejected by it all for not being involved in th conversations week to week and feeling like I'm shit on when they bring her up often. Am I unreasonable or are these feelings valid? Any advice on where to go with it from a place of objectivity would be amazing?