GF has Zero friends and a distant family, should I be concerned?

[ForBlueUser]

So im 27 while my GF is 25, we have been together for nearly three years and we got a mortgage together about a year ago. A bit of a backstory to my GF she grew up very strict and growing up was never allowed out the house after school, she was never allowed to date and I actually grew up 5 mins away so I always kind of knew her/her family. We met online and her family had a lot of strict rules like we wasnt allowed to spend the night together or she had to be back by 1AM at the weekend.

But we decided to get a mortgage together and move in so we could have our own freedom, we have also been abroad to a few countries and it was her first time on a plane. Us moving in upset her family and since then they really dont come down to visit her or anything. As for her job she gets all school holidays off so sometimes she will be off for a week while im at work so its just her and the dog in the house. She doesnt have any friends that call her and I feel like at times im her only friend, she sometimes visits her cousins but thats really it.

We are also going to start having kids and we are going to try this year, she really wants kids but then she is scared of getting pregnant because she knows that her family will be discusted. Even her sister who lives at home said to her that if she gets pregnant then she'll know what shes been at (having sex with me)

I also worry about her pregnant because of the stress that its going to cause due to her family but other than that we have a nice house, I earn good money, I get weekends and evenings off to be with her so im not worried about the financial side of things. She even told me that she dreads revealing that she is pregnant to her family cause she knows that they will go mental, she also says that her family wont even come to baptisms or anything. In the past she has even said that her parents have layed hands on her even when she was an adult, I worry about them doing this to her when she is pregnant

By the way she doesnt come from a religious family or anything. Another thing is that they think im controlling and think that before I met her I was some sort of man who slept with lots of girls (me and her were both each others firsts).

I also worry about her being on maternity leave because she will be on her own while im at work and worrying about her family while not having any friends to talk to

She sounds like she comes from an abusive family, so she probably struggles to build friendships. I think some therapy would be really helpful to her, especially in trying to deal with a pregnancy.
Is there a reason you're not marrying first? Is she going to be taking a career hit?

Distant family wouldn’t bother me at all, but not having any friends would!

Are you planning to get married? If she is going to go part time to have babies, that gives her financial protection.

Why do her family think having a baby is disgusting?!

Sounds like an abusive childhood to me. I had the same, not allowed out etc and it leaves a long shadow.

If you have a child, your gf will have the support of the community mid-wife. She will be able to go to NCT classes and meet other expectant mums. After baby is born, there are lots of mum & baby groups and activities for new mums, because it can be a bit isolating.

With your support, she will be fine. I think she probably needs to stay away from her family though. They sound vile.

Have you considered getting married? Is that something you both want? Would that help?

@Meadowfinch yeah we both want to get married but she knows that her family will not be happy and her mother said that her father will never walk her down the isle. Id prefer a quiet wedding but then the other day we were talking about it and she was worring cause she doesnt know anyone who would be her bridesmaid because she doesnt really have any friends.

But I said to her that when we do have kids then she'll most likely make friends with other mothers, Its not like she is awkward or introverted in fact she is bubbly and quiet chatty

@Meadowfinch she knows that her parents will never take her back if we broke up and at times I think she has a bit of a fear of me cheating, she has even said that she wouldnt be able to survive because she doesnt earn that much and its me paying the monthly mortgage.

I dont want to sound rude or horrible, I love my GF and I never knew id find myself a woman who would want to be with me and have kids with me but I feel like an abusive man could use her situation as a way to control her if that makes sense?

In your situation I'd do marriage then babies. Could a cousin be maid of honour?

Would she consider therapy regarding her parents before having children ?. Becoming a parent will likely bring up all kinds of stuff relating further to her own awful childhood and so it needs to be addressed now. This indeed casts a long shadow over her life. She could well be mired in fear obligation and guilt.

I would also suggest you get married before having children.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles: what were her roles at home?, And the roles of her parents and sister? For instance was she the family scapegoat with her sibling more favoured?.

Why does she have no friends?. Presumably she was encouraged by her family not to have any. What happened to her was not her fault and she owes them nothing , let alone a relationship. If you do go onto have children they will need to be kept away from her abusive family too.

She may well want to contact NAPAC which is for those people abused in childhood
www.napac.org.uk

You can get married in a registry office, she should do what’s best for her not be limited by her family. She can build a life with you, make mum friends, and be perfectly happy without them.

You title suggests that you think your girlfriend has red flags that you should be cautious of, whereas it sounds as if she has an overly controlling/abusive family that she has escaped from. However, it is common to leave that situation and replace it with someone similar and it’s notable that she has been with you for so long and yet she still doesn’t have any friends (despite being described as bubbly and chatty).

Why don’t her family like you? Is it specific to you or would it be anyone she was in a relationship with? Why won’t you marry before having children. She’s very very vulnerable otherwise and for someone you presumably love, why would you want to protect her?

All of this.

Get her some good therapy before you have a baby please. Her family sound abusive and she will definitely have trauma from that.

As previous posters have said, your girlfriend's family sound utterly horrible and abusive and it would be a good idea for your girlfriend to have some deep therapy around that before she has children.

She has done really well to escape her horrible family and to set up home with you but it sounds like she's still hankering after connection with her family and worrying about further alienating them. However, any connection with them is likely to be bad for her. Her family won't be happy whatever your girlfriend does (unless she gives you up and returns home which sounds like it would be disastrous for her) so, hard as it is, if she wants to make a life with you, it would probably be better for your girlfriend to release hopes of her father walking her down the aisle and just get on with making the arrangements which suit you both (and if you plan to marry, your girlfriend could still give her father the option of walking her down the aisle - he may well refuse but that would be his choice and she will have done what is expected of her by asking him to walk her down the aisle).

Given how traditional her family sound, they would presumably still prefer her to be married to you rather than to be having children outside marriage so if there is to be any chance of rebuilding the relationship, it's likely to be easier if done in that order.

As to making friends: her family deprived her of the opportunity to make friends growing up but she has it now. She can make friends with colleagues at work and, as and when you have children, she can make friends with other new mothers.

It sounds like she had a very abusive childhood and you have ended up saving her from this. I think maybe some gentle encouragement to get out the house and try new things, she’ll then interact with other people which could form a friendship. Having kids helps too, if she puts herself out there and goes to baby classes or anything where there are other mums and babies, then again, she could find a friendship or two.

Why are you in such a rush to have a baby? You are both young and it sounds like your GF has a lot of issues to work through and make peace with.

Bringing a child into the world without her having dealt with her childhood, and with very little family or friends support is a receipe for disaster.

Married first.

Does she get on with your friends? Do any of your guy mates have partners who'd make an effort with her?

I would really try to help her be on a more even keel socially and emotionally before a baby. She needs space to develop herself and her confidence before being pushed to her limits by parenthood - as wonderful as that might be for her in the future.

Her family sound awful I honestly wouldn’t be too concerned what they think.

If you’re going to have a family you should get married first, if you’re already living together I don’t see what her sister’s odd views about sex should have to do with anything, you’re already living together anyway?

I’d encourage her to have some therapy about her family dynamic and upbringing, and then focus on your future together, but I don’t think you necessarily should jump to having a baby just yet, you’re both young and it sounds like she’d benefit from establishing more distance from her family.

Marry her first and then children tell her you are her best friend and get her therapy. You make your own family. I get it I have an abusive family and I found friendships hard. Encourage her gently

Honestly, please don’t rush to have a baby. It’s good you are trying to understand your partner. As others have suggested, it might be a good idea for her to have some counselling.

Marry her first. She doesn't need a bridesmaid. You can get married in a registry office or anywhere that takes your fancy! It's about your commitment to each other that matters most, not your family or friends. Focus on that. Babies can come later.
Given her upbringing, it's not surprising she hasn't any friends. Many people with 'normal' upbringings don't have any or many friends. It doesn't mean there's anything 'wrong' with them.
It would help if you knew exactly why her family don't like you. I suspect it's due to you taking her away from their control.

Poor love. She sounds incredibly vulnerable. Please treat her well! And it’s hardly surprising, given her upbringing, that’s she’s short on friends.

Your GF has work colleagues and maybe she doesn't miss loads of friends. She will likely make a friend or two in every new stage of her life. Don't worry. If she is happy, who cares?

You know each other well now and you live together and own a house.
Why not the next step be getting married?

You will have to weather the storm of her family regardless as they seem a bit different/weird.
You could still invite them to your small wedding and if her Dad doesn't wish to walk her down the aisle - you both will not be surprised.

Send each family member their own invitation.
Some siblings and cousins might love to come.

I think, with the security of marriage, your GF is less likely to be abused by any relationship or by taking time off to nurture children.