Finances and separating - am I being too generous?

[NeutralLeopard]

DH and I are separating. My choice and I instigated. We have one DD aged 10.

We’re still in the marital home, everything is very amicable and I’m in the spare room.

Obviously I have been planning this in my mind for some time before we had the ‘chat’. My plan was to save enough money so DH could cover my share of the mortgage and bills until he decided what to do (re: house sale). And also to ensure I could afford the rent, deposit and furnishing of a new place as I intend to rent for a year or so whilst the house sells. So I want to save £20k which I’ll split between us. By my calculations this will take until October.

I am the higher earner (£90k vs his £38k) so this is partly out of guilt. I want to make sure he’s ok because I want this to be as easy on him and our daughter as possible.

My friends and my DM all think I’m being too generous and that I’m extending how long I’ll stay in the house, and that things may turn sour before then. Am I?

I’d have done the saving before announcing to him that I didn’t want to be with him anymore.

I don’t think you’re being too generous no. You’re instigating the split and you out earn him by quite a bit. Be nice of you to sort him out and not completely do him over. The more money he has, the better his set up will be in the future which will therefore be better for your DD in the long run.

That was always my intention. However, a year of counselling and a really shitty Christmas where he did absolutely nothing meant it all came to a head

I think dragging it out until October is too long and it's probably not a great environment for your dd in the meantime. If Christmas was shitty, was that somehow perfectly concealed from your dd?

And what if he starts dating or whatever?

Does it really make sense for you to be renting in a year's time while he stays in the house - and then however long it takes to sell up? What if he becomes awkward about viewings or upkeep of the house?

Could you buy him out? Have you spoken to a solicitor about your options?

My plan was to save enough money so DH could cover my share of the mortgage and bills until he decided what to do (re: house sale).

Why are you leaving it up to DH to decide about the house?
Is there a chance he will be able to buy you out of your share, on his income?

If yes, he needs to start looking for a mortgage right away.
If not, the house will need to be sold, so get that ball rolling.

The only possible reason for delaying to save up is so that you can afford to go into a rental big enough to have DD, pending the house sale or him buying you out.
But many couples would stay in the house together until it was sold, or at least until it was on the market, to minimise the amount of money wasted on rent (assuming the intention is that you want to eventually buy another place).

No, not spoken to anyone. I could afford to buy him out but the house is a real project and I just wouldn’t have the leftover cash to get it to the place I want it.

Yes, he could get funny about the house sale but that wouldn’t help him as he’d run out of money after 10 months.

Yes - the rental is for me and DD to afford somewhere that doesn’t feel like a downgrade for her

Are you the primary carer?

Which means he'd stop paying the mortgage and either you'd have to cover it or it would be in default.

Both of which land you in shit street.

You need to get legal and financial advice.

You'd be a lot better selling up in situ than trying to sell up having left the house. Solicitors generally advise to stay put for good reason.

Especially since you're thinking you have to stay there for nearly a year anyway to save up, so it's not like you're trying to get out of the home due to it being unbearable.

You can be generous in the settlement without running the risk of really screwing yourself over.

Don't let guilt over being the one to call it lead you into making damaging decisions.

Is the house in both of your names? He could simply not pay the mortgage and the bank would come after both of you and both of you would end up with a bad credit score- the last thing you want when you want to buy a house. Not living there is not an excuse not to pay

He could do the same with all the utilities in your name too.

If he didn’t “do” anything for Christmas then what’s the likelihood of him cleaning and helping the estate agent do viewings etc? There’s lots of stories on here where the man left in the house dragged out the selling process for years and the woman had to get court orders forcing the sale etc

You know him best but I’ve read many stories on here so would be braced for the best.

Why the delay? Can you not just sell the house now while you're both living there? If you save the money and give him half, there's no guarantee he'll pay the mortgage and bills - he could land you in hot water and you could lose the house altogether!

Get proper legal advice, don't move out and don't feel guilty.

His choice to be a low earner and shit husband.

I'd just put the house on the market and get it over with. Too many things could go wrong with only him in the house, being given money to supposedly pay to mortgage and bills.

He's your ex for a reason so I don't think you should put that much trust in him.

My friend wanted to do exactly this when she left her ex. She totally changed her mind after sitting down with a divorce ifa who actually showed her the long term math. I'm not sure what exactly was discussed in that call but she said he talked her through everything and she decided to be fair but not over generous.

She said they were really helpful and walked her through the whole financial side stuff the solicitors didn't even mention, like pension offsets and the mortgage. Definitely worth having a chat with them or another ifa specialising in divorce before you hand over that £10k! You don't want to compromise over your own future just to be 'nice' right now. https://www.thedivorceifa.co.uk/