Advice - is this abusive

[Thefinalstraw2026]

DP has become more and more aggressive over the last year. I think its abusive but he thinks he's doing no wrong and that police etc would not care.

Shouting at a 11 year old with asd who doesn't know how to do DIY. Telling him he's stupid and standing around instead of 'being ahead of him' in the diy project they were working on. Telling DS to find x tool 'now' and shouting if he doesn't find it quick enough. Ds going around panicking and crying.

I step in knowing full well that DP will turn his anger to me instead, but that's better than him doing it to DS. So to follow yesterday, DP:

Screamed at me and belittled me in front of his co worker (who he also treats badly)
Squared up to me
I left to collect something and he phoned me and said 'bring the car back now'
Had a go at me again in the evening
Screamed at me because he asked me a question and there was a delay in me answering because I was eating.
I left the room because of his shouting and he followed me, continued shouting and kicked a chair.
I then tried to leave the house and he followed me and stopped me leaving and I had to go back inside. He made me come back and sit in the same room with him and I had a panic attack while he sat there eating.
He took my bank card last night to pay for food and wouldn't give it back this morning.
he continually says everything is my fault cos I dont respect him.
he tells me at least once a week to leave the house and dont come back. Yesterday he tried to convince me that i agreed to leave.
He has gone out and now I can't really do anything without the bank card.

Is this something that any authority would care about? I have been making voice recordings over the last year and actually recorded him admitting everything this morning. He says no one will care, that police don't even come out if a man hits a woman.

I just don't know where to turn really. I don't have savings because I pay for all our bills and expenses, but if I got out, I would have enough money to rent and pay bills somewhere. I was thinking of ringing womens aid for advice but don't know if I would just be wasting their time based on what he said.

Call the police and then call Women’s Aid. Tell them you are not safe (tell them everything you have written here - it’s a good note) and that you have had your bank card removed.

You will not be wasting anybody’s time, they are there for just this situation, sadly.

He is abusing you terribly, he is abusing your son horribly and he needs to be removed from the house and divorced asap.

Sound like a horrible relationship. I dont think the police will be interested in shouting unless you are being threatened. It would be better if you separated as the whole thing sounds toxic. But taking your bank card is serious. Tell him to leave. You should see a solicitor asap.

RING THEM NOW.

Yes it's abuse. Yes you should absolutely contact Women's Aid 💐

Honestly who cares who thinks what label is appropriate . That should be the least of your worries

YOU think it’s abusive. YOU are the child’s parent. So…. Parent. And protect them.

And as for his treatment of you, your relationship benchmark must be in the gutter for you to accept this.

He isn’t even your child’s father is he?

Yes, he is definitely abusive. I'm so sorry.

Yes he's abusive so start thinking about how best to move forward. That doesnt necessarily mean you leave, you could change the locks and dump his clothes by the door. Then you get a restraining order to keep him away. Read this about the law https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Coercive-control-Final.pdf

Who owns the house? Why are you paying all the bills? This is the past year - what has changed? Could he be ill?

If he still hasnt given you the bank card back report it as stolen, lost if you must, and get another. Make sure you keep cash hidden if you dont kick him out immediately.

He is abusive towards both you and your son. Protect your son from this by leaving your abuser as soon as possible. I would call the police re the theft of your bank card along with Women’s Aid.

What is the situation re the property and finances?.

The police will care and I would report the theft of the bank card also as this remains the bank’s property.

Please leave. Can you add your bank card to your phone to pay for things in the meantime if he takes it away? You and your child deserve so much better than this. He likely thinks you’ll never have the courage to leave so he thinks he can keep getting away with it.

This is wrong, OP. I have been married over 30 years and my husband has never raised his voice to me, let alone "screamed" at me. Please listen to what people are saying to you here.

Thanks for confirming my thoughts. I'll speak to womensaid first for advice because he wont find out about it. I want to get my ducks in a row before involving the police.

The property is jointly owned with a joint mortgage. However, its complicated because we have undertaken extensive renovations. He has project managed the renovations and while most of it is financed through joint loans, he has paid some from his pocket. Plus is saying free labour for the bits he did do. I have paid the mortgage in full for the last 5 years while this has been ongoing.. I intend to speak to a solicitor about this. In Dps opinion I should leave and he should just get the house. But I know the bank won't let him take on the mortgage himself. Plus - what about the equity? He thinks he should get it all.

i can rent elsewhere but I'm reluctant to just hand everything to him. If I change the locks, he will break in for sure. Can I rely on the police to get here quickly - we live rurally.

Another reason I am paying everything is to give him the opportunity to give his new business a good start. He doesn't take a salary. He got a big job at the end of 2024 and had huge turnover in 2025. I think this is linked to his behaviour, in conjunction with me going NC with family members (encouraged by him of course).

Ds is his, which somehow makes it worse. After a while yesterday, I reminded him how DS struggles with x and y type tasks due to his ASD. He then felt bad and said he just needs a reminder sometimes!! A reminder that his son has asd and what his struggles are!!!

It is abuse. He threatened you physically = "squared up" to you, thats abusive. He verbally abuses you and dc. He takes your bankcard = financial abuse. He stops you leaving when you want to = abuse. He belittles you and dc = emotional abuse.

Cancel your bank card now. He can't use it. Banks have help available for domestic abuse.... Your poor ds. If he confided in a teacher tomorrow how will you explain you are complicit in his abuse? Because if you don't end the relationship and keep ds safe you fail him. Your post is mainly financial not the long term effects of your poor dc being abused.

"Plus is saying free labour for the bits he did do."
He can say what he likes, it doesn't make it less laughable. He's not due any money for work he chose to do on the house he lives in.

"I have paid the mortgage in full for the last 5 years while this has been ongoing.. I intend to speak to a solicitor about this."
Good idea.

"In Dps opinion I should leave and he should just get the house. But I know the bank won't let him take on the mortgage himself. Plus - what about the equity? He thinks he should get it all."
Of course he does, it doesn't mean his opinion is based on reality.

Financials are important. What OP probably wants is to stay in the house so her son can continue with his life without more disruption. Sounds like she can afford the mortgage but they are not married so she needs to be able to buy out his share of the equity and fund the shared loans. No he doesnt get it all. Or she can leave but she needs the house sold and her share of the equity from it. She needs to know how to force a sale and it will be a lot more difficult to get it sold if she isnt in the house.

Talk to womens aid. Until you involve the courts and get a restraining order he has a right to enter the home. Talk to an estate agent too - get the house valued.

It sounds like you both agree the marriage is over, you need to try and work out the best way to separate. Would he go to marriage counselling?

She shouldn't go to marriage counselling with an abusive partner.

Ok. I hear what you are saying. Women’s Aid first.

Next, back up your recordings of your husband to a new Gmail account your husband doesn’t know about.

Next. tell a friend. Start getting stuff out of the house. Store it all at your friends house. Documents, clothes, photos, DS’s medical records (actually, do that first). Bank statements, H’s pension details. DVLA details.

Marriage counselling is not appropriate here - OP is being abused mentally, emotionally and financially.

OP please do call Women's Aid asap. You need good financial advice and they can support you in reporting his abuse to the police. He cannot be allowed to continue abusing you and your poor son 😔

Neither you or your child are safe. Please just call the Police.

Yes OP… that’s all abuse. And taking your card is both financial abuse and theft.

It’s all abuse and theft, please contact women’s aid and police asap

I'm not suggesting couples therapy. It's possible to go separately for counselling on how to have an amicable split, although perhaps that is called separation counselling.

Report the card stolen. If he is not on house deed or rental lease change the locks at first opportunity.

Have you got a banking app on your phone, OP? If so, you should be able to stop your card being used. Failing that, phone the bank and report that it's been stolen.