I’ve finally ended it. Someone give my head a wobble please!

[HaloHaze]

Ohmygod. I have finally told my vile abusive pig of a husband it’s over and so far I haven’t backed down and let him change my mind.
Last night he decided he needed sex, it had been too long (about a week) and the way it usually goes
is that if I say no, he will just whine, or guilt trip, or shout and rant until I just agree to it, just to get him to leave me alone. I can’t even bear him to touch me anymore, I feel physical revulsion as he’s been doing this for YEARS.

Last night something just flipped and I thought no! I’m not being forced into sex I don’t want anymore, he can rant all night if he wants.

I told him it’s over.

I have told him I’m done many times before but he always gives me false hope and promises and wears me down and makes me change my mind and give him another chance.
This morning he was awful, he seemed to realise I wasnt changing my mind this time and said he was willing to separate amicably, then switched and said if he finds out I’m lying or trying to screw him over, I will regret it, he will turn nasty and make my life hell, he’s willing to go to prison.
Then followed me from room to room asking if I think he won’t carry out his threats.

When he realised I wasn’t backing down, he changed tactics and started crying and saying he was devastated, telling me he’s a great man, I’m lucky to have him and I won’t find anyone better than him, saying I’m ruining the kids lives and we will both regret it.

He’s refusing to leave until we sell the house, he won’t buy me out as he doesn’t want the house. I can’t afford to leave so we are stuck living here together until we can sell it. 2 kids stuck in the middle of it all.

I am 100% done. I need to be strong and not give in to his manipulation.

If you don’t want to go to the police OP there are domestic violence solicitors who can apply for an injunction to get him out the house. There is legal aid available for this as well if you are eligible.

It is bad enough. And I say that as having worked in one.

That's really disappointing that the police were unhelpful, especially because making that call in the first place is so scary and can take so much. At the same time what I would say is that I know at least where I live police have had much more training on dealing with dv in the last few years and laws have also changed in the last few years as well particularly in respect of coercion. The fact you've a history of having reported before is also significant and different officers will have slightly different approaches.

So please don't let that put you off reporting if you feel unsafe. Reporting can also help you with your divorce as its proof of highly unreasonable behaviour on his part which might affect your financial settlement. And op more importantly it does sound like you are not safe at the moment. Do you have a plan in place of where you could go if you needed to leave immediately? Is there a garage or shop near you that opens all night? Make sure your phone is charged and always to hand, if you can I'd also leave a bag at a non mutual friends house with changes of clothes and important documents so if you needed to flee urgently you would have that to hand.

You deserve good things op, you didn't deserve anything that he's done to you and you deserve support with all of this.

Gaslighting and coercion are key factors in controlling someone because it means your brain is so busy and fried trying to work out what's real and what isn't, that it actually makes it really hard to find the mental space to make decisions that would help you leave. So it is going to be harder for you navigating this while you're still around him rather than safe away from him where you can breathe. This is your choice and I don't want you to feel pressure but just wanted to make you aware so you can decide for yourself.

You can do this. It may not be pretty or easy but it will be so worth the investment.

I kept a notebook of everything he did or said; partly for evidence if things ratcheted up, partly for me to re-read when I wobbled or started believing his abuse.

I did report him hacking into my PC to the police and got a crime number, also just in case. It must have been very dull reading for him. He even tracked me down on Mumsnet and threw comments in to conversations so I would know he was watching me.

FWIW he was online dating within 6 weeks of me saying it was over, despite having been distraught and faux-suicidal up till then. Made life a lot easier in many ways.

I think its good to give people chances, but there needs to be a limit on the chances we give.

He keeps crying.
He has suggested he might agree to move out temporarily to give us some space, based on the assumption that some time apart will fix things.

This is just exhausting

Firm up on him moving out temporarily. Then make it permanent 💐

Well done so far. If you look up Chumplady you'll get good advice, you'll also see how the pattern plays out.

One simple thing I wish I'd known when I was believing what I was told and was being manipulated ... these men have three modes ... rage, charm and poor me. Once you can see this you are less likely to be pulled in. In particular if only I'd realised that the rage is as much an act as the charm and poor me! I thought it was something i'd said or done, and could maybe change things ...

Go along with how you think time apart is such a good idea then just don’t have him back! Stay string, your doing amazing x

Disgusting pig. Stay strong x

Get him out and change the locks.

She can’t do that they both own the house from what she said.
OP look, stand your ground here just rinse and repeat a phrase you are happy with. “It’s over” or if easier just encourage the “we need space” to get him to move out then switch to the “it’s over”
He is an abusive pig and you deserve better.
Start the divorce process yourself. Pull the trigger, men like him never change.

So two weeks on and he’s still here.
He agreed to move out but has kept making excuses and moving the date.

He has listened to a hypnosis app and it has apparently cured him! He is a changed man, he accepts he was wrong and is apparently sorry.
Oh but i need to go to the GP because it’s definitely my hormones that are making me unreasonable and making me hate him!!! (Absolutely nothing to do with his behaviour)

He is so full of shit

Coercive sex will be the death of all of us. Good luck to you and well done

Well done! Stay strong. Make a few notes of your reasons, and if it gets hard look back over them and remember why - how you felt in this moment.

This sounds like a situation where you needs some advice from Women's Aid.
Realistically you need to get the house up for sale, he needs to know you are serious.
Problem is that he’ll start being a complete dick about it all.
I don’t know the solution for this!

Stay strong @HaloHaze

you can see all this for what it is, he’s got to go. It won’t always be like this

(((hug)))

My ex told me it was hormones too.

I actually saw my doctor and asked if it could be menopause. She told me to get a therapist urgently and that it was clearly nothing to do with hormones.